tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post4709120766730116011..comments2023-05-03T03:01:09.021-07:00Comments on Screaming Fat Girl: Wanting it all (answering a few good questions)screaming fatgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09556199963917842135noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-16346693063535096192013-02-27T11:54:19.747-08:002013-02-27T11:54:19.747-08:00I think it's really important, Eliza, not to e...I think it's really important, Eliza, not to expect to be 100% all of the time. In fact, I think it's important to sometimes just let yourself do what you want to do so that you don't feel "trapped". It's all about perspective-shifting and eating for pleasure rather than eating to fulfill some sort of constructed idea, whether that idea is that you have to have it all to be satisfied or that you can never have any at all.screaming fatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09556199963917842135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-1182495160974150392013-02-22T08:13:12.230-08:002013-02-22T08:13:12.230-08:00I just linked over from your post from 2/22/2013.....I just linked over from your post from 2/22/2013...I think this goes along with what I commented on in that post.<br />I've been losing for 3 years, and learning to deal with how I ate before has been interesting. On most days I eat a huge salad because it takes a long time for me to eat, and it's bulky, and I get that satisfaction I used to get from eating a huge mountain of something else becuase I'm eating for a long time and I feel full when I'm done.<br />For my treats I keep them quite small, so I *can* get that "every bite is wonderful" feeling when I eat them. <br />It isn't 100% of the time - I mean, nothing is - but for the vast majority of the time these things help me satisfy a lot of what I got out of how I used to eat.<br />I'm rambling again!<br />--ElizaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-72681059671667984762012-03-15T09:06:51.986-07:002012-03-15T09:06:51.986-07:00This is so good and kind of echoes my thought proc...This is so good and kind of echoes my thought process for the last few days. The last couple of days I have realized that I have had this "drive" to eat, and it didn't matter what it was. And that drive was a drive that I sometimes put into other things instead of eating. It was a fear-based drive that led me want to just "gorge." YOU talked about this kind of issue, and I want to say, "thank you."Sharileehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06067148382299727349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-42571495191829436752012-02-22T19:32:24.190-08:002012-02-22T19:32:24.190-08:00A very interesting dialogue here. Thanks Screamin...A very interesting dialogue here. Thanks Screaming Fat Girl and Human in Progress for such interesting comments and insights. I have a lot to think about in my own life just from reading what you have written.LHAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13280173316699217316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-68657829529417837022012-02-21T19:25:51.710-08:002012-02-21T19:25:51.710-08:00Knowing you are busy with a cross-country move mak...Knowing you are busy with a cross-country move makes me all the more grateful for your dialogue with me at this time (although I know that's not why you mentioned the move!). Just saying. :)<br /><br />I appreciate that you don't want to project yourself or your marriage onto me or mine, but in this case you are correct. The parallels are striking. And my childhood sounds very similar to yours, right down to the mom that taught me that my needs came second if they came at all, missing out on lots of fun/ typical childhood experiences, being ashamed of my house and not having friends over as a result, not getting to enjoy cute clothes, etc. And I've no doubt that eating what I wanted helped me navigate that reality.<br /><br />Not to get too far off track here, but my mom was dysfunctional and a narcissist. It was always clear that her needs AND wants AND whims came before mine, and that if I had any value, it was derived from being useful to her and only extended to that usefulness, and no further. I bring this up because a memory keeps resurfacing that I now see through the lens of self-assertion: mom was a chronic dieter and kept special Weight Watchers desserts that we were forbidden to touch in our extra freezer in the basement. And I would sometimes sneak them despite being terrified of the possible consequences (being hit, screamed at, humiliated in front of the rest of the family, and grounded). I'd sneak or eat more than my fair share of lots of other food, too, but those WW desserts stick out in my mind. I'd eat them while they were still frozen (before she could catch me!) and could hardly taste them in their frozen state. How much could I have been enjoying those things?<br /><br />Fast forward to today, and my husband's needs definitely come first. We've been having the kinds of talks you're recommending in the past couple of months, but it seems like we have to revisit those themes over and over. Perhaps it's because I haven't figured out the new ways I'm going to assert myself; I've just been saying "do not try to police my food. It backfires. Trust me." Sounds like it's time to go beyond that.<br /><br />Lots of other good points I'd like to respond to, but this is already getting too long. Thanks again and good luck with the move!Human In Progresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14141421581818137190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-5940729628722885602012-02-21T15:33:52.434-08:002012-02-21T15:33:52.434-08:00I'm very pleased that this was helpful to you....I'm very pleased that this was helpful to you. I wish I could say that this will solve the problems, but I know better. ;-) Understanding is always complicated. Well, life is always complicated.<br /><br />One thing I think people make a mistake about is thinking that emotions drive eating every time. They do drive eating sometimes, but sometimes the food drives the emotions because it is something we assign a lot of value to in our lives. <br /><br />Food should be assigned a value, but that should be the value of sensory pleasure, not being in control of our lives, seeing it as reward or punishment, or as a source of emotional comfort. I think pat assertions about being an "emotional stress" or "stress eater" are too vague to be of value. <br /><br /><br /><br />In your Valentine's post, which incidentally I wanted to comment on but my life is so busy these days with preparations for a cross-country move that I rarely have a moment to do anything that isn't a big necessity, you talked about how your husband's comments or behavior made you resentful and angry. You wanted to eat more because you felt he was attempting to deny or control you. In fact, I think you ate things you didn't even enjoy because of the emotional reaction to someone trying to take away your power to make choices. This is a feeling I'm well familiar with and it means that your access to food is very important to you in a deep way. It's far more meaningful to you than a source of nourishment or sensory delight.<br /><br />Knowing this doesn't solve the problem, but it is a window to a solution. Food occupies a place in your life disproportionate to its importance in anyone's life. It does appear to be the point at which you will assert that you have power and control. This is the same for me, which is why I've been trying to move it to another place (no small feat). Doing so sends ripples out though as it affects other relationships. I've had to push to assert myself in other ways which in turn changes the dynamic of my marriage which confuses and upsets my husband. Making him aware that I need to assert myself in other areas more often helps because he isn't as confused and is more likely to offer me opportunities to assert my will (and less likely to resist when I do).<br /><br />In your case, your Starbucks experience has the ring of your husband resisting your will (since he doesn't like going there) and your hiding your eating from him as an act of defiance seems to be an assertion of power. You couldn't freely do what you wanted so you did something to prove your freedom to yourself, even when you didn't enjoy it. It's not about emotions really as emotions came after the stimuli, not before. It's about power and feeling helpless. <br /><br />Analyzing your state of mind sometimes has nothing to do with eating issues. Eating is just the consequence because it allows one to act out in situations in which they feel they have insufficient control.<br /><br />Of course, I am speculating here. If you can, I'd strongly recommend having a talk with your husband in which he plays no role at all in your eating and explain the issue of asserting your will and getting some understanding from him. If you are like me, your esteem is so low that you have spent a lot of your marriage yielding to your mate because you feel your needs should be second. But, you're not me so I don't want to risk projecting my situation here. ;-)screaming fatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09556199963917842135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-24065194720402161032012-02-21T10:20:02.213-08:002012-02-21T10:20:02.213-08:00Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my...Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question in such a thoughtful way.<br /><br />Every bit of this post is insightful and educational, and I know I will be re-reading it again and again. My biggest lightbulb moment, however, came from this passage:<br /><br />"I think one thing I can offer as advice is to think about whether or not you want it all before you even eat it. If you decide beforehand that you won't be happy unless you eat it all, then it's about something other than the experience of enjoying your food."<br /><br />That <i>almost</i> sounds like the typical advice about tuning into your feelings before you fall into the food, but it's different in a subtle--and crucial--way. <br /><br />The typical emotional eating advice I'm talking about goes something like: figure out if you're sad or stressed or desperate or angry when reaching for food, because if you are, it's not about the food/hunger and you shouldn't be eating.<br /><br />The problem with that advice is my emotional landscape shifts continuously and rapidly throughout the day and I can't always make sense of it. If my assignment is to check for any negative emotions that could possibly be driving my desire to eat cookies on a given day, and to abstain from eating whenever those emotions have occurred (that day, that morning, the night before...), then I'd never be able to eat cookies or anything else ever again because there's ALWAYS something emotional going on in either the background or foreground of my life. <br /><br />What I understand you to be saying (in the passage quoted above) is: pay attention to your feelings about the FOOD itself before diving in; if you feel you must eat an entire pie before even taking the first bite and finding out whether it tastes good or not, something is wrong. Pause and figure out what's going on.<br /><br />That is WAY more do-able! And that makes it way more helpful.<br /><br />I know I must get better acquainted with my emotions in general and trace how they relate to food and eating; I'm not dismissing that. But when it comes to the specific problem with desserts that I'm having, this method of starting with the feelings about the food itself and asking "must I have it all? Why?" is what I needed. I don't have the urge to eat entire pizzas or entire pots of mashed potatoes or entire vats of mac and cheese. Those foods are tasty and I do tend to overeat them, and certainly have done so to quiet emotional turbulence. That is a concern, and part of the overall emotional eating puzzle that has to be solved.<br /><br />But the MUST. HAVE. IT. ALL. thing comes into play with desserts, and now I have a targeted question to apply to the recurring situation that was troubling me the most. <br /><br />Thanks again! :DHuman In Progresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14141421581818137190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-45415686905784503192012-02-21T01:52:19.232-08:002012-02-21T01:52:19.232-08:00Thank you, Paris. It's comments like yours tha...Thank you, Paris. It's comments like yours that keep me doing this when I feel my voice is not welcome in a world of calorie counts, menu lists, and minutes of exercise. <br /><br />It really does mean a lot to me when I hear such things. My best to you.screaming fatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09556199963917842135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-239703775224526488.post-13249336122937874372012-02-21T00:44:51.513-08:002012-02-21T00:44:51.513-08:00Once again, your word just make so much sense. It...Once again, your word just make so much sense. It's really striking to read my "other" weight-centric blogs and then click on you. Intelligent, reflective, modest, humble...I get so much out of your posts.The Paris Chronicleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02667503853760168339noreply@blogger.com