There have been many shocks for me since returning to America after more than two decades of living in an Asian culture. I'm sure that it is not that things have changed, but rather that I was so thoroughly a part of the culture before that these matters did not appear to be strange enough to note previously. Of course, things have changed, but overall, I think it's just that I got used to how things were "there" and forgot how they are "here".
When it comes to food, I've noticed that there are aisles upon aisles of frozen food and processed food in the U.S. This isn't entirely a reflection of our taste for such food (though it is that as well), but also the change in lifestyle that has come about because people are so over-booked that they don't do slow food much anymore. What is worse, a lot of that processed food is cheaper than real food. I used to think that was an excuse people made, but it's very clearly a reality. It's not just about the macaroni with powdered cheese in store brand boxes that provide cheap carbs and calories at a tiny price, but cans of soup, packets of ready-made meals, and entrees of processed meat in fried breading that are ready for the toaster oven at a fraction of the cost of that raw skinless, boneless chicken breast meat.
My husband and I have not had the time or mobility to visit a lot of the typical shopping haunts of people who live on lower incomes, but the biggest shock for us came when we made a trip to Target. Not every Target carries food, but this one did and the fresh food sections were tiny and expensive while the junk food areas were huge and full of items that could be had for a song. When we bought diet soda that was on sale for a very good price (yes, I drink diet soda and it hasn't had a negative impact on my weight loss), the store gave us a free half gallon of ice cream.They didn't offer a pound of apples or a half pound of cherries, but rather ice cream.
I was stunned by how cheaply one could eat food that wasn't really food and how much pricier it was to buy real food. It's not that you can't buy "real" food cheaply, but that it's far less attractive, far more troublesome, and requires pretty sophisticated knowledge of cooking. While one of the cheapest and most nutritious foods you can make is beans, few people have the time or inclination to deal with them. I've actually eaten beans about 5 times a week since coming home, but that's because I've been welcome to eat food from my host's pantry and it is full of various kinds of beans that she bought but didn't have the time or desire to prepare. I'm sure she's not alone in her good intentions and weak follow-through.
Beyond the poor folks who find that they have better and cheaper access to nutritionally poor food options, I've noticed that even affluent people eat poorly and convince themselves that they're eating well. My in-laws are fairly well off people, and they still eat what is easy, though definitely from a better grade of processed food. They'll concentrate on deli potato salad from an expensive store, organic canned soup, and protein bars rather than cheaper fare, but there is still a lot of processed and pre-prepared food in their lives rather than real cooking with real food. They believe that, as long as it's labeled "organic", and it is missing any of the hot-button "bad" ingredients of the current era (trans fats, HFCS, etc.), then it's "healthy".
In short, I'm shocked at how easy it is to eat poorly and how even people who are educated are eating badly and convincing themselves otherwise. Lara bars, sugar-packed Greek yogurt (and most of it is!), frozen and canned processed vegetarian meals, and protein powder-based drinks and smoothies don't make your diet a good one. It's still not "real" food for the most part.
I'm certainly not one to pine about the "lost art of cooking", but it has really come home to me that people have lost the art of eating well. They are so accustomed to processed food that they not only don't think about cooking from whole foods, but they find the tastes of such things strange and unpalatable. People are so indoctrinated in the chemical tastes of prepared food that food from scratch tastes "weird" to them.
As my readers know, I am far from being any sort of "food saint", and feel that all sorts of food have a place in modern diets. However, I think that the place currently occupied by real food is very small and getting smaller. The sickness of America's food culture is so deep and wide that I have to wonder if there will ever be a cure. Obesity isn't the worst consequence of it, but it certainly is one of them. We have a lot of work to do, and little of it has to do with losing weight. It has to do with finding our way back to being in touch with food in a way which brings the hands of people back into the process, and removes the machinery.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Resources
Recently, I had a conversation with my father-in-law in which he asserted that it has never been proven that therapy helps anyone. He also said that many people go to counselors just to talk and don't want help. As one might imagine, I disagreed with this perspective, and I found it frustrating and somewhat insulting since both my husband and I are trying to work in a counseling profession in the future.
Nonetheless, one thing I realize is that these biases reflect his personal experience as well as his desires. He went to therapy while he was going to college as an undergraduate because of an obsession with death which started when he was 4 years old. His aim in going was to understand why he was so preoccupied with it from such a young age and the therapist did not help him. Therefore, he believes that, aside from cathartic talk, therapy is not very effective for most people.
This discussion taught me a lot of useful things, and one irony of it is that, at the end, I knew why he was obsessed with death at a young age and in his early adulthood (and he may yet be).* I didn't tell him why because he didn't ask, and he believes no one can help him with their psychological intervention anyway. I don't tell people things they don't want to hear, even if I believe I can offer them assistance. Suffice it to say, even if I gave him "the answer", I don't think he could benefit from it.
Before I get too much further, let me say that I believe that therapy is not the answer for every problem and that, for some problems, merely venting about your issues is all that therapy needs to accomplish. People do benefit from simply talking, but I think there are limits and that much more can be done if people really want to gain better tools for coping with life's difficulties.
There are many grades of psychological problems, and nearly everyone has some issues, particularly low-level neurotic behavior, that they can function quite well with. My father-in-law is what I would term "functionally neurotic". That's not a negative label. I would also call myself by that same term. That means that there is something about my thinking and emotions which degrades quality of life which I'd be better off trying to change. The difference between us is that I am working to decrease my neuroses and he doesn't seem to think his can be changed or that change is possible or necessary.
Most people with functional neuroses are what would be seen as "normal". They tend to go through life navigating as best they can around various obstacles that are put in their way due to their anxiety, fear, small obsessions and compulsions, or other troublesome behaviors. Sometimes, their issues cause their friends and family some level of grief, but never enough to destroy relationships in most cases. It simply is a case of quality of life. They could be happier, less annoying, more fulfilled, more productive, etc., but they do get by.
The thing about people with functional neuroses is that they rarely seek treatment because they have other outlets to help them cope. Often, they do what my father-in-law does and find a way to "burn off" the anxiety or mitigate the depression (in his case, through exercise), distract themselves from their ruminating (in his case, T.V. and reading), or purge their issues (in his case, through talking to others about how he feels).
One thing I realized, and I'm not going into the details of a protracted talk I had with my father-in-law here, is that one of the reasons that people do not benefit from therapy is that they have other resources which are easier to access and tap into. If he truly had no other recourse, he'd probably work harder to solve his issues rather than simply burn off, distract, or purge. When we were talking about therapy and whether or not it could help people, both my husband and I talked about doing the work involved and that few people are willing to do it. I realized that they don't do it because they don't have to.
In weight loss terms, and I use this as an analogy, not because I'm applying this to weight loss, it is like exercising like a maniac to burn off calories from eating large meals rather than reducing the meal size. You cope with one issue (overeating) by finding another outlet, but the core problem remains. If you lose access to that resource (exercise) by becoming injured, you will then suffer the consequences of your core problem. It's much better to solve the actual problem than to find ways to work around it.
When I mentioned that fact that people like my father-in-law don't have to push themselves to benefit from therapy, he paused and said that, if he could no longer exercise (a big outlet for his depression since his wife passed away late last year), he'd have some serious problems. Then he went back to essentially asserting his core belief that therapy wasn't proven to work anyway. Attempts to have a more meaningful discussion with him were essentially derailed by his sliding around about how things like "happiness" are defined and arguing that psychology was a "soft science". Every time we closed in on a point, he moved the goal post or topic.
At the end of the day, I realized that people with functional neuroses go to therapists for help, but as long as they have access to other resources, they are unlikely to push themselves to do the hard work it takes to actually get better. It's immensely difficult to change yourself and it's just easier to do what is comfortable rather than face the work of mentally reprogramming yourself. It's not that it is so elusive as people seem to think, but rather than people who are anywhere but at the end of their rope with exhausted or non-existent resources aren't likely to try very hard.
In terms of weight loss, I think this is a huge part of the core issue people have. They don't deal with their real problems, but rather find a path to becoming more functional. It's far easier to exercise, eat diet foods, and reshape your environment than to deal with the core issue, the inability to develop a relationship with food which leads ones particular body to a state of health and well-being. Unfortunately, when those resources no longer become available because one is injured, schedules change, finances are altered, or the control over ones environment is lost, people regain because their problematic relationship with their eating and all that drives it is still there. So, just as my father-in-law may have to finally deal with his depression if he cannot exercise, the person who loses weight by devoting significant energy and time to weight control practices will regain when that ability is lost.
*For the curious, one thing which I understood after all of his discussion about science and "soft science" as well as having an overview of his lifestyle and choices is that he has an uncommonly high intolerance for uncertainty. This is so deeply rooted that he won't try even minor variations in food and has a very low desire for novelty in daily life. I can't go into all of the evidence here, but it is clear that his fear of death at a young age that came from a strong core character trait which makes him desire very precise and certain answers.
Death is the ultimate uncertainty. He can't process the outcome in any meaningful way, but he can't avoid the ultimate nature of it. The obsession is like a program loop for him. He needs certainty, but will never get it. Had I had access to him at a younger age, I believe I could have helped him by systematically making him more comfortable with uncertainty by encouraging him to slowly take steps into various situations that were uncertain and becoming acclimated to existing in that state or seeing that the outcome may not always be negative.
Though I don't believe he would ever be comfortable with the idea of dying (who is?), I believe the obsession could have been ameliorated. However, now that he is 75 and has no belief in the effectiveness of therapy anyway, it's essentially an academic exercise for me to ponder treatment.
Nonetheless, one thing I realize is that these biases reflect his personal experience as well as his desires. He went to therapy while he was going to college as an undergraduate because of an obsession with death which started when he was 4 years old. His aim in going was to understand why he was so preoccupied with it from such a young age and the therapist did not help him. Therefore, he believes that, aside from cathartic talk, therapy is not very effective for most people.
This discussion taught me a lot of useful things, and one irony of it is that, at the end, I knew why he was obsessed with death at a young age and in his early adulthood (and he may yet be).* I didn't tell him why because he didn't ask, and he believes no one can help him with their psychological intervention anyway. I don't tell people things they don't want to hear, even if I believe I can offer them assistance. Suffice it to say, even if I gave him "the answer", I don't think he could benefit from it.
Before I get too much further, let me say that I believe that therapy is not the answer for every problem and that, for some problems, merely venting about your issues is all that therapy needs to accomplish. People do benefit from simply talking, but I think there are limits and that much more can be done if people really want to gain better tools for coping with life's difficulties.
There are many grades of psychological problems, and nearly everyone has some issues, particularly low-level neurotic behavior, that they can function quite well with. My father-in-law is what I would term "functionally neurotic". That's not a negative label. I would also call myself by that same term. That means that there is something about my thinking and emotions which degrades quality of life which I'd be better off trying to change. The difference between us is that I am working to decrease my neuroses and he doesn't seem to think his can be changed or that change is possible or necessary.
Most people with functional neuroses are what would be seen as "normal". They tend to go through life navigating as best they can around various obstacles that are put in their way due to their anxiety, fear, small obsessions and compulsions, or other troublesome behaviors. Sometimes, their issues cause their friends and family some level of grief, but never enough to destroy relationships in most cases. It simply is a case of quality of life. They could be happier, less annoying, more fulfilled, more productive, etc., but they do get by.
The thing about people with functional neuroses is that they rarely seek treatment because they have other outlets to help them cope. Often, they do what my father-in-law does and find a way to "burn off" the anxiety or mitigate the depression (in his case, through exercise), distract themselves from their ruminating (in his case, T.V. and reading), or purge their issues (in his case, through talking to others about how he feels).
One thing I realized, and I'm not going into the details of a protracted talk I had with my father-in-law here, is that one of the reasons that people do not benefit from therapy is that they have other resources which are easier to access and tap into. If he truly had no other recourse, he'd probably work harder to solve his issues rather than simply burn off, distract, or purge. When we were talking about therapy and whether or not it could help people, both my husband and I talked about doing the work involved and that few people are willing to do it. I realized that they don't do it because they don't have to.
In weight loss terms, and I use this as an analogy, not because I'm applying this to weight loss, it is like exercising like a maniac to burn off calories from eating large meals rather than reducing the meal size. You cope with one issue (overeating) by finding another outlet, but the core problem remains. If you lose access to that resource (exercise) by becoming injured, you will then suffer the consequences of your core problem. It's much better to solve the actual problem than to find ways to work around it.
When I mentioned that fact that people like my father-in-law don't have to push themselves to benefit from therapy, he paused and said that, if he could no longer exercise (a big outlet for his depression since his wife passed away late last year), he'd have some serious problems. Then he went back to essentially asserting his core belief that therapy wasn't proven to work anyway. Attempts to have a more meaningful discussion with him were essentially derailed by his sliding around about how things like "happiness" are defined and arguing that psychology was a "soft science". Every time we closed in on a point, he moved the goal post or topic.
At the end of the day, I realized that people with functional neuroses go to therapists for help, but as long as they have access to other resources, they are unlikely to push themselves to do the hard work it takes to actually get better. It's immensely difficult to change yourself and it's just easier to do what is comfortable rather than face the work of mentally reprogramming yourself. It's not that it is so elusive as people seem to think, but rather than people who are anywhere but at the end of their rope with exhausted or non-existent resources aren't likely to try very hard.
In terms of weight loss, I think this is a huge part of the core issue people have. They don't deal with their real problems, but rather find a path to becoming more functional. It's far easier to exercise, eat diet foods, and reshape your environment than to deal with the core issue, the inability to develop a relationship with food which leads ones particular body to a state of health and well-being. Unfortunately, when those resources no longer become available because one is injured, schedules change, finances are altered, or the control over ones environment is lost, people regain because their problematic relationship with their eating and all that drives it is still there. So, just as my father-in-law may have to finally deal with his depression if he cannot exercise, the person who loses weight by devoting significant energy and time to weight control practices will regain when that ability is lost.
*For the curious, one thing which I understood after all of his discussion about science and "soft science" as well as having an overview of his lifestyle and choices is that he has an uncommonly high intolerance for uncertainty. This is so deeply rooted that he won't try even minor variations in food and has a very low desire for novelty in daily life. I can't go into all of the evidence here, but it is clear that his fear of death at a young age that came from a strong core character trait which makes him desire very precise and certain answers.
Death is the ultimate uncertainty. He can't process the outcome in any meaningful way, but he can't avoid the ultimate nature of it. The obsession is like a program loop for him. He needs certainty, but will never get it. Had I had access to him at a younger age, I believe I could have helped him by systematically making him more comfortable with uncertainty by encouraging him to slowly take steps into various situations that were uncertain and becoming acclimated to existing in that state or seeing that the outcome may not always be negative.
Though I don't believe he would ever be comfortable with the idea of dying (who is?), I believe the obsession could have been ameliorated. However, now that he is 75 and has no belief in the effectiveness of therapy anyway, it's essentially an academic exercise for me to ponder treatment.
Friday, June 22, 2012
A roadmap to changing
People talk a lot about choices in life as if we made them under black and white conditions. Eat this, not that. Move more, sit less. In fact, in the weight loss world, there are many people who enjoy indulging in “Yoda-isms”. They say, “do or not do, there is no try.”
This sort of absolutism makes it very difficult for people who cannot make the “right” choices to feel that they will ever succeed. Every morning they get up with a laundry list of choices they hope to make and every night they go to bed feeling like failures for not having made them. They don't understand why they simply don't make the best choices and point to their character flaws as the reason. It's about a lack of “willpower” or being “weak”. They see others around them who seem capable of making the changes they want to make, and feel demoralized and deflated at the fact that they can't do so as well.
I've often said and truly believe that talk of “choice” in stark terms helps no one. It's not about inspiration, motivation, or intestinal fortitude, but about a complex array of extremely personal factors. Environment, temperament, socioeconomic status, and psychology (among other things) all play into the ability to make particular choices. Change is about knowing what choices you personally can and cannot make and about expanding your range of choices slowly and with the establishment of new routines.
I drew a graphic to explain this more clearly. In the center, we have choices that are easy for us to make. They tend to be the most gratifying and convenient options. For most people, but not all, they include resting, being entertained, and eating very tasty food. The extent to which we rely on the easy choices is often based on how hard our life is. This can be seen as the most comfortable zone to operate in and people who are stressed, tired, or physically or psychologically ill will tend to operate in this space most of the time. They do this not because they are lazy or weak, but rather because they don't have the stamina to go outside of that range of choices.
Beyond the easiest range of choices are the “less easy” ones. We tend to operate sporadically in this space throughout the day, generally based on being pushed by various factors into doing so. For many, these would include moderately taxing activities such as taking a brief walk instead of watching T.V., eating a carrot instead of a potato, or reading an educating non-fiction book instead of a fiction book. It also includes doing your tax forms or dealing with other unpleasant, but necessary societal requirements.
Making less easy choices seems like it shouldn't over-tax anyone's resolve, but it's not so simple as that. The stress incurred and energy spent on each individual "less easy" choice may not seem like much, but making a multitude of them adds up. It becomes harder and harder to make more of such choices throughout the day. There is exhaustion when you spend most of your day operating by making choices in this space. It makes it harder to operate in the next space and to make "difficult choices". It's one of the reasons mothers are so overwhelmed. They aren't doing one thing which is so hard, but many, many things which are not easy.
Regarding, “difficult choices”, it's important to keep in mind that what is “difficult” for one may be “easy” for another. I will speak in generalities to illustrate the point, but it's imperative to know that such things are highly personalized. “Difficult” choices for many may include getting up and going to the gym instead of sleeping in, preparing a healthy meal which includes time-consuming processes like chopping and cooking vegetables or fruit instead of eating out, or studying for a test instead of playing a video game. Most people cannot make choices in this space too often without being worn out. This is why it is important not to make a great many choices in this space for too long or too often.
When I was in college, I used to come home every day and sleep because studying constantly was my operating in the "difficult choice" space a great deal of the time. I had no choice but to do those things, but it decimated my quality of life outside of school until I became acclimated to the level of study and the process dropped down to the status of a "less easy" choice. Mastery of the process as well as the establishment of a routine helped make it less difficult, though it would never be easy.
Finally, there is the range of “impossible” choices. This is perhaps the hardest category to speak in general about because it is the most personal territory. For a poor person, signing up for and going to a gym for swimming falls into the range of “impossible”, whereas for a financially comfortable person, it is “difficult”. For a wealthy person with a pool in the backyard, it is “less easy” or “easy” if that person enjoys swimming or lives in a hot environment. For me, in 2009, taking a long walk fell into the “impossible” category because of crippling back pain. The me in 2012 finds taking a long walk “less easy” or even “easy” depending on my health condition, responsibilities, and free time.
The individual nature of how hard or easy a choice is cannot be stressed enough. One of the mistakes people make is in assuming that what is easy for them should be easy for others (and vice versa) and that it is only through personal shortcomings such as laziness, gluttony, immaturity, or a lack of responsibility that others cannot make the same choices that they can. They do this out of ignorance, but also because elevating oneself at the expense of others is very ego-gratifying. Criticizing others is a means for such people to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, we accept this criticism when we want to change because we don't want to “let ourselves off the hook” for not making the “right” choices.
This need to self-criticize likely stems from the way in which we were raised. Children will operate in the "easy" space as much as possible and their parents constantly admonish them for their poor choices and inability or lack of desire to do what is constructive, but difficult. Often, you find people who want to make positive changes in their lives talking about how they need someone to "kick their asses". These people are, essentially, looking for someone to assume the parental role with them. They feel that they will not or cannot make hard choices without pressure from an authority figure. However, as adults, surrendering ourselves to authority in this way and seeking the approval of outsiders as a motivational tool in accomplishing our goals is not a good choice. When we do this, we are placing control outside of ourselves as well as placing the credit for success on those who push us rather than on ourselves for successfully changing.
Successful change comes from inside, and I absolutely do not embrace the idea of seeking any sort of external critical voice when trying to truly change. Beyond the aforementioned reason of placing control and credit outside of yourself, there is also the strong possibility that judgment will be attached to your choices. You will be "good" or "bad" based on how you behave in the eyes of your mentor, disciplinarian, master, mother, father, etc. Words like "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" have no positive role in psychological change.
It's important to understand that morality does not play into choice-making unless the choices are being made about true matters of right and wrong such as choosing to harm others. The first step in moving closer to who you want to be by making the choices you want is to stop that critical inner voice that says you are making “bad” or “good” choices and that doing so reflects your value or character strength. The productive and constructive thing to do is to analyze your particular situation and know what you personally can and cannot do.
To this end, I recommend people look carefully at their lives and consider what are easy, less easy, difficult, and impossible choices for them. In fact, I would recommend writing it all out so that you know where you are starting from before making a change. I didn't do this specifically, but I did do it mentally. I knew that I would not be able to give up 100% food that people saw as "bad". While this was not an "impossible" choice for me, it did fall into the space of "very, very difficult" and would have taxed my ability to make a multitude of more meaningful "less easy" choices that would propel me closer to my goals more rapidly than such a hard choice.
It's imperative not to look at it through anyone's eyes but your own. You should not say, “this shouldn't be impossible for me,” but rather honestly determine without judgment whether or not it is. I was taken to task and personally attacked by another blogger for not giving up chocolate. I'm sure he saw this as a fatal weakness of my character, but I did not accept that judgment and followed my own path because I know what I can and cannot do based on living my life in my skin. I also know that he regained weight that he lost despite making more difficult choices than me, and I have not.
I chose not to burn out my ability to change by making choices too close to what was psychologically "impossible" for me. And make no mistake, what is emotionally possible is just as if not more important than what is physically possible. At this moment, you may be physically capable of jogging for a half hour everyday, but that doesn't mean that you have the time, inclination, or mental ability to do it. It's okay if things other people can do are “impossible” for you for whatever reason. You need to plot the choices graph accurately, honestly, and without judgment for you. This is the beginning of the process.
Once you know where choices fall for you in this range, you can start to work on making less easy choices which move in the direction you'd like to go and try to do them more often as you feel more capable of doing so. For me, this began with eating a little less at every meal. I couldn't dramatically reduce what and how much I ate immediately, but I could put back two spoonfuls. This was a “less easy” but very doable choice. I couldn't endure hunger for an hour in order to stretch my biological and psychological stamina for not eating, but I could endure 5 minutes and later stretch that to 10 then 15, then a half hour. I couldn't walk for an hour, but I could walk for 3 minutes and then sit down. I couldn't make all of my food from scratch for maximum health and minimum calorie density at first, but I could spend some time once a week making a large pot of tomato soup.
By practicing expanding your choices such that you make more of them from the “less easy” range, you gradually make the “easy” range wider. Routine behaviors become easier both because the mental barriers become lower and you develop stamina for them. Expanding the range of “easy” is the first step. Once you start this expansion, formerly “difficult” or “impossible” choices may start to fall into the “less easy” and “difficult” range. It depends upon personal limitations, and it's very important not to become angry at yourself for an inability to expand beyond a certain point.
The mistake people often make when attempting to make any change in their lives, including losing weight, is that they want to jump right to making “difficult” or, for them, “impossible” choices right away. They fail to recognize their personal limits by comparing their choices to those of others or operating from the “should” mindset rather than the “are capable of” frame of thinking. Sometimes what is easy for others is hard for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. For people with particular mental or physical health issues, there may be little or no overlap between "easy" choices. For instance, a person with a severe eating disorder such as anorexia may find it impossible to eat a cupcake, whereas the vast majority of people would find it "easy". I personally find it "impossible" to drink alcohol of any kind, but many people find that easy.
Many times, women who are working their particular weight loss program will say that you have to “make the time” to exercise, prepare healthy meals, etc. They tell exhausted people who say they simply can't do everything and look after their bodies in the way they like that they aren't making it enough of a priority and need to “just do it.” This sort of thinking stems from an inability to understand a critical concept and that is that all choices are not the same for everyone. The circle of options for some people overlap greatly, but for others, very few options overlap. We tend to believe that everyone operates similarly to us, but this is extreme egotism.
The reality is that we are all very different for a variety of reasons and we need to be kind and patient with ourselves in accepting what choices we can and cannot make at a given time. For lasting and effective change, largely operating within our limits until we can slowly and consistently expand them is essential.
It's also important to know that, when times are hard, it's okay to live within the comfortable range of “easy choices” for periods of time while we try to regain our stamina either emotionally or physically. We need to be patient and keep confidence that we will work to expand into other ranges of difficult choice-making when we have that capacity. It is not a failure to do this. Failure will come only if you overtax yourself such that you are too exhausted or demoralized to work slowly toward making other choices.
This sort of absolutism makes it very difficult for people who cannot make the “right” choices to feel that they will ever succeed. Every morning they get up with a laundry list of choices they hope to make and every night they go to bed feeling like failures for not having made them. They don't understand why they simply don't make the best choices and point to their character flaws as the reason. It's about a lack of “willpower” or being “weak”. They see others around them who seem capable of making the changes they want to make, and feel demoralized and deflated at the fact that they can't do so as well.
I've often said and truly believe that talk of “choice” in stark terms helps no one. It's not about inspiration, motivation, or intestinal fortitude, but about a complex array of extremely personal factors. Environment, temperament, socioeconomic status, and psychology (among other things) all play into the ability to make particular choices. Change is about knowing what choices you personally can and cannot make and about expanding your range of choices slowly and with the establishment of new routines.
I drew a graphic to explain this more clearly. In the center, we have choices that are easy for us to make. They tend to be the most gratifying and convenient options. For most people, but not all, they include resting, being entertained, and eating very tasty food. The extent to which we rely on the easy choices is often based on how hard our life is. This can be seen as the most comfortable zone to operate in and people who are stressed, tired, or physically or psychologically ill will tend to operate in this space most of the time. They do this not because they are lazy or weak, but rather because they don't have the stamina to go outside of that range of choices.
Beyond the easiest range of choices are the “less easy” ones. We tend to operate sporadically in this space throughout the day, generally based on being pushed by various factors into doing so. For many, these would include moderately taxing activities such as taking a brief walk instead of watching T.V., eating a carrot instead of a potato, or reading an educating non-fiction book instead of a fiction book. It also includes doing your tax forms or dealing with other unpleasant, but necessary societal requirements.
Making less easy choices seems like it shouldn't over-tax anyone's resolve, but it's not so simple as that. The stress incurred and energy spent on each individual "less easy" choice may not seem like much, but making a multitude of them adds up. It becomes harder and harder to make more of such choices throughout the day. There is exhaustion when you spend most of your day operating by making choices in this space. It makes it harder to operate in the next space and to make "difficult choices". It's one of the reasons mothers are so overwhelmed. They aren't doing one thing which is so hard, but many, many things which are not easy.
Regarding, “difficult choices”, it's important to keep in mind that what is “difficult” for one may be “easy” for another. I will speak in generalities to illustrate the point, but it's imperative to know that such things are highly personalized. “Difficult” choices for many may include getting up and going to the gym instead of sleeping in, preparing a healthy meal which includes time-consuming processes like chopping and cooking vegetables or fruit instead of eating out, or studying for a test instead of playing a video game. Most people cannot make choices in this space too often without being worn out. This is why it is important not to make a great many choices in this space for too long or too often.
When I was in college, I used to come home every day and sleep because studying constantly was my operating in the "difficult choice" space a great deal of the time. I had no choice but to do those things, but it decimated my quality of life outside of school until I became acclimated to the level of study and the process dropped down to the status of a "less easy" choice. Mastery of the process as well as the establishment of a routine helped make it less difficult, though it would never be easy.
Finally, there is the range of “impossible” choices. This is perhaps the hardest category to speak in general about because it is the most personal territory. For a poor person, signing up for and going to a gym for swimming falls into the range of “impossible”, whereas for a financially comfortable person, it is “difficult”. For a wealthy person with a pool in the backyard, it is “less easy” or “easy” if that person enjoys swimming or lives in a hot environment. For me, in 2009, taking a long walk fell into the “impossible” category because of crippling back pain. The me in 2012 finds taking a long walk “less easy” or even “easy” depending on my health condition, responsibilities, and free time.
The individual nature of how hard or easy a choice is cannot be stressed enough. One of the mistakes people make is in assuming that what is easy for them should be easy for others (and vice versa) and that it is only through personal shortcomings such as laziness, gluttony, immaturity, or a lack of responsibility that others cannot make the same choices that they can. They do this out of ignorance, but also because elevating oneself at the expense of others is very ego-gratifying. Criticizing others is a means for such people to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, we accept this criticism when we want to change because we don't want to “let ourselves off the hook” for not making the “right” choices.
This need to self-criticize likely stems from the way in which we were raised. Children will operate in the "easy" space as much as possible and their parents constantly admonish them for their poor choices and inability or lack of desire to do what is constructive, but difficult. Often, you find people who want to make positive changes in their lives talking about how they need someone to "kick their asses". These people are, essentially, looking for someone to assume the parental role with them. They feel that they will not or cannot make hard choices without pressure from an authority figure. However, as adults, surrendering ourselves to authority in this way and seeking the approval of outsiders as a motivational tool in accomplishing our goals is not a good choice. When we do this, we are placing control outside of ourselves as well as placing the credit for success on those who push us rather than on ourselves for successfully changing.
Successful change comes from inside, and I absolutely do not embrace the idea of seeking any sort of external critical voice when trying to truly change. Beyond the aforementioned reason of placing control and credit outside of yourself, there is also the strong possibility that judgment will be attached to your choices. You will be "good" or "bad" based on how you behave in the eyes of your mentor, disciplinarian, master, mother, father, etc. Words like "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" have no positive role in psychological change.
It's important to understand that morality does not play into choice-making unless the choices are being made about true matters of right and wrong such as choosing to harm others. The first step in moving closer to who you want to be by making the choices you want is to stop that critical inner voice that says you are making “bad” or “good” choices and that doing so reflects your value or character strength. The productive and constructive thing to do is to analyze your particular situation and know what you personally can and cannot do.
To this end, I recommend people look carefully at their lives and consider what are easy, less easy, difficult, and impossible choices for them. In fact, I would recommend writing it all out so that you know where you are starting from before making a change. I didn't do this specifically, but I did do it mentally. I knew that I would not be able to give up 100% food that people saw as "bad". While this was not an "impossible" choice for me, it did fall into the space of "very, very difficult" and would have taxed my ability to make a multitude of more meaningful "less easy" choices that would propel me closer to my goals more rapidly than such a hard choice.
It's imperative not to look at it through anyone's eyes but your own. You should not say, “this shouldn't be impossible for me,” but rather honestly determine without judgment whether or not it is. I was taken to task and personally attacked by another blogger for not giving up chocolate. I'm sure he saw this as a fatal weakness of my character, but I did not accept that judgment and followed my own path because I know what I can and cannot do based on living my life in my skin. I also know that he regained weight that he lost despite making more difficult choices than me, and I have not.
I chose not to burn out my ability to change by making choices too close to what was psychologically "impossible" for me. And make no mistake, what is emotionally possible is just as if not more important than what is physically possible. At this moment, you may be physically capable of jogging for a half hour everyday, but that doesn't mean that you have the time, inclination, or mental ability to do it. It's okay if things other people can do are “impossible” for you for whatever reason. You need to plot the choices graph accurately, honestly, and without judgment for you. This is the beginning of the process.
Once you know where choices fall for you in this range, you can start to work on making less easy choices which move in the direction you'd like to go and try to do them more often as you feel more capable of doing so. For me, this began with eating a little less at every meal. I couldn't dramatically reduce what and how much I ate immediately, but I could put back two spoonfuls. This was a “less easy” but very doable choice. I couldn't endure hunger for an hour in order to stretch my biological and psychological stamina for not eating, but I could endure 5 minutes and later stretch that to 10 then 15, then a half hour. I couldn't walk for an hour, but I could walk for 3 minutes and then sit down. I couldn't make all of my food from scratch for maximum health and minimum calorie density at first, but I could spend some time once a week making a large pot of tomato soup.
By practicing expanding your choices such that you make more of them from the “less easy” range, you gradually make the “easy” range wider. Routine behaviors become easier both because the mental barriers become lower and you develop stamina for them. Expanding the range of “easy” is the first step. Once you start this expansion, formerly “difficult” or “impossible” choices may start to fall into the “less easy” and “difficult” range. It depends upon personal limitations, and it's very important not to become angry at yourself for an inability to expand beyond a certain point.
The mistake people often make when attempting to make any change in their lives, including losing weight, is that they want to jump right to making “difficult” or, for them, “impossible” choices right away. They fail to recognize their personal limits by comparing their choices to those of others or operating from the “should” mindset rather than the “are capable of” frame of thinking. Sometimes what is easy for others is hard for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. For people with particular mental or physical health issues, there may be little or no overlap between "easy" choices. For instance, a person with a severe eating disorder such as anorexia may find it impossible to eat a cupcake, whereas the vast majority of people would find it "easy". I personally find it "impossible" to drink alcohol of any kind, but many people find that easy.
Many times, women who are working their particular weight loss program will say that you have to “make the time” to exercise, prepare healthy meals, etc. They tell exhausted people who say they simply can't do everything and look after their bodies in the way they like that they aren't making it enough of a priority and need to “just do it.” This sort of thinking stems from an inability to understand a critical concept and that is that all choices are not the same for everyone. The circle of options for some people overlap greatly, but for others, very few options overlap. We tend to believe that everyone operates similarly to us, but this is extreme egotism.
The reality is that we are all very different for a variety of reasons and we need to be kind and patient with ourselves in accepting what choices we can and cannot make at a given time. For lasting and effective change, largely operating within our limits until we can slowly and consistently expand them is essential.
It's also important to know that, when times are hard, it's okay to live within the comfortable range of “easy choices” for periods of time while we try to regain our stamina either emotionally or physically. We need to be patient and keep confidence that we will work to expand into other ranges of difficult choice-making when we have that capacity. It is not a failure to do this. Failure will come only if you overtax yourself such that you are too exhausted or demoralized to work slowly toward making other choices.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wobbling
For the past 2 weeks, I've been living in a suburb in California and in a situation which is vastly different from the cabin on the island I was on before. This makes the second big transition for me in about two and a half months. First, I left the Asian country I had been living in for over two decades and returned to the U.S. and stayed in an isolated rural area. Now, life has kicked up a notch and is more stimulating, but is also moving ahead.
It is the moving ahead part which has been daunting. I've been happy with the ability to walk around and see new places and things. The environment I'm in is closer to the one I was in for most of my adult life. That is, there are people around, places to see, and things to do. However, I'm also living in a huge house after living in two tiny spaces and have to face the steps that most people take for granted and view as normal.
It's hard to convey how complicated life in America feels to someone who hasn't encountered the changes that have happened. It's a little like stepping out of a time machine. Debit cards? Never used one. Driver's license? Haven't driven for about 24 years and it's long expired. Supermarket self-check-out? Never heard of it. Cell phone? Never owned one. All of these things require that I take a deep breath and go through the processes that others are completely accustomed to. In doing so, I feel stupid, naive, and disconnected from this reality. My sense of being an alien in my own culture is more profound here than it was in a bucolic setting, even though my satisfaction with suburban life is much higher.
All of the stress of adjustment has taken a toll on my eating. I have twice now done what I call "wobbling". That is, I eat more than I should for a period of time (a hard wobble), then I start to eat better about every other day (a less shaky wobble), and then I reach a point close to stability. When I was on the island, I wobbled hard for at least two weeks and was shaky for nearly another 3 weeks. It was only toward the end that I felt a return to normality. Here, I have also been wobbling pretty hard for about 10 days, and have started to regain my footing a little faster.
One of the things about this wobbling with my eating is that I never mistake it for the start of falling down. It is inevitable during difficult times and particularly with a complete loss of routine to wobble. I haven't panicked or felt that I'm a terrible person for this. I don't see myself as weak or a failure. I know I can recover and I will find my old equilibrium back. Even though I've gone through two intensely stressful changes and there is really no end in sight for the foreseeable future, I know this is temporary. I give myself the time to adjust and the luxury of not living everyday to my personal standards because I deserve it during this time.
A lot of people feel that it's "wrong" to "cut themselves some slack" during stressful or hard times. I should make it clear that this is not me letting myself go on some sort of eating free-for-all in which I gorge and make myself sick. I don't do that. Part of the benefit of using portion control and not denying myself any food is that there really is zero appeal to going on a all-out food binging marathon. I tend to serial graze too much at these times, though there are also out and out occasions in which I binge a small amount as conscious stress reduction. I know what I'm doing. It is like a cutter cutting herself. The relief is completely real, like a drowning person coming up for air. Even though the behavior is self-destructive, I can't deny that it is effective. It's something I have not yet extinguished, but I do less of and with less collateral damage than before. It's an ongoing process and getting worked up about it isn't going to help anything so I just try to do better the next day (and usually do).
The situation has mainly been my eating more than I need and not tolerating hunger for very long. It's the difference between buying a bar of chocolate and saying "I'll eat one square a day" and ending up eating two, or eating at night before bed rather than going to bed a little hungry. I may or may not be gaining a little weight from it, but I'm not overly concerned as I'm sure it'll stabilize and go back down again in the coming weeks. I think that attaching drama to stressful times and the subsequent changes in eating habits only makes it harder to recover.
Interestingly, people worry horribly if they overeat when stressed, but not when they don't eat enough when stressed. They know that, eventually, their appetite will return and they'll eat enough again. I know that, eventually, my appetite will abate and I'll eat "enough" again. Having confidence that normal will return is having already won most of the battle.
It is the moving ahead part which has been daunting. I've been happy with the ability to walk around and see new places and things. The environment I'm in is closer to the one I was in for most of my adult life. That is, there are people around, places to see, and things to do. However, I'm also living in a huge house after living in two tiny spaces and have to face the steps that most people take for granted and view as normal.
It's hard to convey how complicated life in America feels to someone who hasn't encountered the changes that have happened. It's a little like stepping out of a time machine. Debit cards? Never used one. Driver's license? Haven't driven for about 24 years and it's long expired. Supermarket self-check-out? Never heard of it. Cell phone? Never owned one. All of these things require that I take a deep breath and go through the processes that others are completely accustomed to. In doing so, I feel stupid, naive, and disconnected from this reality. My sense of being an alien in my own culture is more profound here than it was in a bucolic setting, even though my satisfaction with suburban life is much higher.
All of the stress of adjustment has taken a toll on my eating. I have twice now done what I call "wobbling". That is, I eat more than I should for a period of time (a hard wobble), then I start to eat better about every other day (a less shaky wobble), and then I reach a point close to stability. When I was on the island, I wobbled hard for at least two weeks and was shaky for nearly another 3 weeks. It was only toward the end that I felt a return to normality. Here, I have also been wobbling pretty hard for about 10 days, and have started to regain my footing a little faster.
One of the things about this wobbling with my eating is that I never mistake it for the start of falling down. It is inevitable during difficult times and particularly with a complete loss of routine to wobble. I haven't panicked or felt that I'm a terrible person for this. I don't see myself as weak or a failure. I know I can recover and I will find my old equilibrium back. Even though I've gone through two intensely stressful changes and there is really no end in sight for the foreseeable future, I know this is temporary. I give myself the time to adjust and the luxury of not living everyday to my personal standards because I deserve it during this time.
A lot of people feel that it's "wrong" to "cut themselves some slack" during stressful or hard times. I should make it clear that this is not me letting myself go on some sort of eating free-for-all in which I gorge and make myself sick. I don't do that. Part of the benefit of using portion control and not denying myself any food is that there really is zero appeal to going on a all-out food binging marathon. I tend to serial graze too much at these times, though there are also out and out occasions in which I binge a small amount as conscious stress reduction. I know what I'm doing. It is like a cutter cutting herself. The relief is completely real, like a drowning person coming up for air. Even though the behavior is self-destructive, I can't deny that it is effective. It's something I have not yet extinguished, but I do less of and with less collateral damage than before. It's an ongoing process and getting worked up about it isn't going to help anything so I just try to do better the next day (and usually do).
The situation has mainly been my eating more than I need and not tolerating hunger for very long. It's the difference between buying a bar of chocolate and saying "I'll eat one square a day" and ending up eating two, or eating at night before bed rather than going to bed a little hungry. I may or may not be gaining a little weight from it, but I'm not overly concerned as I'm sure it'll stabilize and go back down again in the coming weeks. I think that attaching drama to stressful times and the subsequent changes in eating habits only makes it harder to recover.
Interestingly, people worry horribly if they overeat when stressed, but not when they don't eat enough when stressed. They know that, eventually, their appetite will return and they'll eat enough again. I know that, eventually, my appetite will abate and I'll eat "enough" again. Having confidence that normal will return is having already won most of the battle.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Self-Esteem
For many years, I would tell my husband that I did not feel I was worthy of him. In fact, I told him repeatedly that I was "garbage". The truth was that I honestly felt I was completely worthless and that he deserved a "better" wife than me. I didn't just tell him that once when I was depressed, but many, many times over the course of years.
I can't remember the last time that I told him I was garbage, but it wasn't that long ago. It was, as little as a year ago, perhaps as "far" back as two years ago, but lately I've been thinking about the concepts and talk about self-esteem. The aspects of it I've been considering are how we form it, how it affects our behavior, and why we lose it or gain it. Obviously, I'm hardly the self-esteem queen, though I've certainly got more of it than I used to.
One of the things about the way I saw myself in the past was that, when my husband told me I was valuable, it was an utterly abstract concept to me. I could not relate to that label at all and couldn't see how it fit into the psychological puzzle of me. Sure, he loved me a lot and wanted to be with me despite my body size. He would tell me about all of the things he admired or found attractive in me, but I didn't see those things as adding value to me as an individual. I rationalized away all of the good points, and filtered them through my daily experiences.
The impact of the daily poor treatment a fat person receives cannot be overestimated. When you are ridiculed, pointed at, laughed at, and spoken about as if you had no more comprehension of how people are regarding you than a fish does of a fisherman, you begin to accept that you are somehow less than others. Being objectified makes you feel like an object. Being treated like a worthless object makes you feel worthless. Being treated like an object that deserves to be scorned and ridiculed makes you feel like garbage.
My self-esteem didn't start to find a way out of its deep, dark hole because I lost weight and found myself a new image. It managed to slowly climb out because the abuse that kept knocking it back down slowed and eventually stopped as a result of losing weight. A lot of people who do fat advocacy writing talk about loving yourself and confidence and how the world will treat you with respect if you project respect for yourself, but that's a load of bull cookies. There really are only two roads out of the garbage pail. One is to lose weight so the emotional battering stops and the other is to build up an attitude or defensive wall such that you don't allow yourself to be dragged back down by the abuse heaped on you. Confidence will not stop the abuse.
One of the things that happened as my self-esteem revived was that I started to have problems in my relationship with my husband. When I viewed myself as garbage and unworthy of him, I constantly repressed my own wishes and desires. I felt I didn't deserve any better and I placed my needs last. Whatever he wanted, he got, but not because he insisted. I just gave way. As I lost weight, a two-pronged problem emerged. I lost food as a support mechanism and I started to assert my needs more strongly.
I would say that I was "needier" than before because of the stresses of the psychological changes I was going through, but I don't think that is actually true. I think that my overall level of "neediness" was the same, but just handled differently. Before, I repressed my pains with food and hated myself or I fulfilled the gaping hole of my "need" with food. Now, I felt my pain and demanded that I be cared for. My husband's needs competed with mine and we had a horrible few years as a result. He wasn't used to having to balance his needs against mine because I felt so unworthy of him that I never questioned that he should always come first and I wasn't used to having him not meet my needs completely. Of course, he had to now do heavier duty. Food no longer shared the burden with him.
My husband and I worked through these issues. It was a long and complex process of reaching some understanding about how we were both going to change which would require a book to write so I can't go into it in this blog post. Suffice it to say, I need a bit less and he's much better at meeting the needs I have now. I can see, however, how women losing weight often crushes their relationships. My husband and I are at least two standard deviations from normal in terms of our devotion to each other and our level of communication, and this put a strain on us. People in more average relationships would be hard-pressed to survive the transition.
Now that I have some self-esteem, I've reached some realizations about how I interacted with people before. I'm not only talking about my husband, but everyone. Just as I suppressed my needs in favor of those of his, I also did it for others. Since I saw myself as fundamentally flawed and unworthy, I felt others always should come first and that I was "lucky" if they overlooked my body and were friends with me at all. This theme is not new to this blog nor to me. However, recently, my fledgling self-esteem has made me realize how vulnerable I was before.
Part of feeling like garbage is that you feel you deserve to be treated in whatever manner people choose to treat you. You deserve no better, after all. I gave people access to the best part of me and asked that they do nothing in return. In fact, in some cases, I allowed them to treat me poorly as I helped them. It never occurred to me that knowing me was a privilege, not a right, and that anyone who treated me badly deserved to lose that privilege. I wasn't special. I was lucky they associated with me at all.
I have realized after difficulties with my in-laws that I am special and that they are lucky that I associate with them. I was a good person before and I'm that same person now. I'm kind, warm, engaging, and an excellent conversationalist. I help people who need help without expectation of return, but in the past I've allowed them to treat me poorly and I would still help them. I convinced myself that I did this because I was the better person, but it was actually because I thought that I deserved no better. If I was garbage, then I was lucky anyone kept me around rather than throwing me out.
Part of my coping with my in-laws situation as described in the previous post is that I've decided to limit their access to me. What is more, I've decided that when I am with them to share less of the best me with them. I will be socially appropriate and kind. I will still act in accord with my values, but the part that gives and shares warmly and generously is being put carefully in a box so that I can protect myself from their issues and the pain they can inflict on me. I'm not doing this because they are awful people and I want to punish them by taking away my glorious self. Frankly, I think they are not bad people, but just lacking in awareness of how their actions affect others due to their insular lifestyle and lack of social experience. I even feel sorry for them in some ways, but now that I have some sense of my own worth, I am going to treat myself as something too valuable to be damaged.
I can't remember the last time that I told him I was garbage, but it wasn't that long ago. It was, as little as a year ago, perhaps as "far" back as two years ago, but lately I've been thinking about the concepts and talk about self-esteem. The aspects of it I've been considering are how we form it, how it affects our behavior, and why we lose it or gain it. Obviously, I'm hardly the self-esteem queen, though I've certainly got more of it than I used to.
One of the things about the way I saw myself in the past was that, when my husband told me I was valuable, it was an utterly abstract concept to me. I could not relate to that label at all and couldn't see how it fit into the psychological puzzle of me. Sure, he loved me a lot and wanted to be with me despite my body size. He would tell me about all of the things he admired or found attractive in me, but I didn't see those things as adding value to me as an individual. I rationalized away all of the good points, and filtered them through my daily experiences.
The impact of the daily poor treatment a fat person receives cannot be overestimated. When you are ridiculed, pointed at, laughed at, and spoken about as if you had no more comprehension of how people are regarding you than a fish does of a fisherman, you begin to accept that you are somehow less than others. Being objectified makes you feel like an object. Being treated like a worthless object makes you feel worthless. Being treated like an object that deserves to be scorned and ridiculed makes you feel like garbage.
My self-esteem didn't start to find a way out of its deep, dark hole because I lost weight and found myself a new image. It managed to slowly climb out because the abuse that kept knocking it back down slowed and eventually stopped as a result of losing weight. A lot of people who do fat advocacy writing talk about loving yourself and confidence and how the world will treat you with respect if you project respect for yourself, but that's a load of bull cookies. There really are only two roads out of the garbage pail. One is to lose weight so the emotional battering stops and the other is to build up an attitude or defensive wall such that you don't allow yourself to be dragged back down by the abuse heaped on you. Confidence will not stop the abuse.
One of the things that happened as my self-esteem revived was that I started to have problems in my relationship with my husband. When I viewed myself as garbage and unworthy of him, I constantly repressed my own wishes and desires. I felt I didn't deserve any better and I placed my needs last. Whatever he wanted, he got, but not because he insisted. I just gave way. As I lost weight, a two-pronged problem emerged. I lost food as a support mechanism and I started to assert my needs more strongly.
I would say that I was "needier" than before because of the stresses of the psychological changes I was going through, but I don't think that is actually true. I think that my overall level of "neediness" was the same, but just handled differently. Before, I repressed my pains with food and hated myself or I fulfilled the gaping hole of my "need" with food. Now, I felt my pain and demanded that I be cared for. My husband's needs competed with mine and we had a horrible few years as a result. He wasn't used to having to balance his needs against mine because I felt so unworthy of him that I never questioned that he should always come first and I wasn't used to having him not meet my needs completely. Of course, he had to now do heavier duty. Food no longer shared the burden with him.
My husband and I worked through these issues. It was a long and complex process of reaching some understanding about how we were both going to change which would require a book to write so I can't go into it in this blog post. Suffice it to say, I need a bit less and he's much better at meeting the needs I have now. I can see, however, how women losing weight often crushes their relationships. My husband and I are at least two standard deviations from normal in terms of our devotion to each other and our level of communication, and this put a strain on us. People in more average relationships would be hard-pressed to survive the transition.
Now that I have some self-esteem, I've reached some realizations about how I interacted with people before. I'm not only talking about my husband, but everyone. Just as I suppressed my needs in favor of those of his, I also did it for others. Since I saw myself as fundamentally flawed and unworthy, I felt others always should come first and that I was "lucky" if they overlooked my body and were friends with me at all. This theme is not new to this blog nor to me. However, recently, my fledgling self-esteem has made me realize how vulnerable I was before.
Part of feeling like garbage is that you feel you deserve to be treated in whatever manner people choose to treat you. You deserve no better, after all. I gave people access to the best part of me and asked that they do nothing in return. In fact, in some cases, I allowed them to treat me poorly as I helped them. It never occurred to me that knowing me was a privilege, not a right, and that anyone who treated me badly deserved to lose that privilege. I wasn't special. I was lucky they associated with me at all.
I have realized after difficulties with my in-laws that I am special and that they are lucky that I associate with them. I was a good person before and I'm that same person now. I'm kind, warm, engaging, and an excellent conversationalist. I help people who need help without expectation of return, but in the past I've allowed them to treat me poorly and I would still help them. I convinced myself that I did this because I was the better person, but it was actually because I thought that I deserved no better. If I was garbage, then I was lucky anyone kept me around rather than throwing me out.
Part of my coping with my in-laws situation as described in the previous post is that I've decided to limit their access to me. What is more, I've decided that when I am with them to share less of the best me with them. I will be socially appropriate and kind. I will still act in accord with my values, but the part that gives and shares warmly and generously is being put carefully in a box so that I can protect myself from their issues and the pain they can inflict on me. I'm not doing this because they are awful people and I want to punish them by taking away my glorious self. Frankly, I think they are not bad people, but just lacking in awareness of how their actions affect others due to their insular lifestyle and lack of social experience. I even feel sorry for them in some ways, but now that I have some sense of my own worth, I am going to treat myself as something too valuable to be damaged.
Friday, May 25, 2012
I'm Not You
I haven't been writing here for awhile because the emotional difficulties stemming from my transition from the life I knew in Asia for so long to a "new" life in America have been pretty overwhelming for me. There are many aspects to this transition, but one of them is that I have had to deal with other people in a way that I did not have to for most of my adult life. Specifically, I now have to deal with family in general and my in-laws in particular.
The difficulties I've had have led to self-reflection about what is important to me and why, but also the limits of empathy and the seemingly limitless capacity of people to be self-centered in their thinking. Neither of these are exactly revelations, but personal experience is a powerful reinforcer of such thoughts.
In the place that I'm currently at, a group of islands in which people who are wealthy tend to vacation, I have found it hard to enjoy walking as I did back in the country I lived in in Asia. The reason for this difficulty is multi-fold. One is that the island I'm on is small and carved up into pieces of public and private land such that one can rarely walk far on a hiking trail before encountering a sign saying you cannot go any further or you'll be trespassing. Before I came here, I imagined long walks in nature and escaping the hectic sidewalks and crowds of the metropolis that I had been living in. Now, I find it hard to wander longer than 20 minutes on a nature trail or beach without being road-blocked by private property signs.
Since I grew up very poor, I'll admit that I have a negative reaction to the idea that wealth buys people a piece of the beach such that the public can walk for such a short time before being driven back. There's this huge world of trees, beaches, and natural beauty that someone has laid claim to because they don't want anyone coming within miles of their land. It just seems wrong to me that anyone can possess such things, especially when it isn't being used outside of the most attractive tourist times (the summer).
At any rate, this post isn't about my social views, as I realize that it can be argued that the possession of such property may be as much about protecting the habitats as privacy. This is about how bothered I have been at not being able to walk much here as compared to where I was before. Unless my husband and I walk along a relatively narrow public road with little shoulder and almost no protection from the beating sun and share it with intermittent vehicles passing by, we cannot walk for long before having to turn back. We have tried going to various public parks on this island to find better spaces, but have been stymied again and again by various problems.
On one particular occasion, we planned a trip to a particular park based on web site information and when we arrived, the trail leading to it was a virtual swamp. We tried to walk along the beach, but the stretch that the public had access to was no longer than a 10-minute stroll before we were barred access. Even the road itself dead-ended onto private property. This was extremely frustrating and, for about the third time, we complained about the way in which we couldn't walk anywhere on Facebook.
I need to mention that we are staying in a vacation cabin that is owned by my in-laws and they adore this island. They own two houses on it and have been coming here for more than 20 years. However, when they come here, they spend the vast majority of their time sitting in the cabin and just looking out the window at the view. They watch T.V., use the internet, and go to the tiny local village to shop. Occasionally, they will go crabbing or drive the car to some scenic spot and sit there and look at the view. Most of their time here is spent doing almost nothing different than what they do at home. They just do it with nicer scenery around them.
For my husband and I, this is a nice enough place, and we are grateful to have a place to stay while we work out our lives in America (a sentiment that we have expressed many, many, many times), but this environment is not only sleepy, but practically comatose. We are not the type of people who enjoy sitting around staring out windows looking at the same scenes again and again nor do we see value added to internet use or T.V. watching for having done it in a cabin on an island instead of at home. We are accustomed to a more stimulating existence, and, since I have lost weight, a more active one. We really don't watch much television at all (never did), and that makes up a lot of my in-laws' lives.
You may guess that one of my in-laws, in this case, my father-in-law, took the critical comments about the limits of our ability to walk personally. He was upset and said that he felt we mustn't like it here and his feelings were hurt. It's important to note that this is the only point which we have complained about and has no bearing on our immediate environment. I have also commented on Facebook about how lovely the cabin we are staying in is and my husband has been very positive about the local wildlife. However, my father-in-law was agitated about these repeated complaints.
That being said, my father-in-law has had his complaints about this place as well, and his have a far greater bearing on the immediate environment around the cabin. There is an area at which people practice shooting their guns not too far from the cabin and another at which they ride their dirt bikes. He complained at least 3 times and at great length about the noise from the gunshots. He also talked about how he lobbied to limit their ability to do shooting practice and failed. He went on about these things at length on multiple occasions. My husband and I have never complained about this noise. In fact, each time my father-in-law complained, I said it didn't really bother me at all (nor do the dirt bikes). He has also expressed less than glowing opinions (though not actual complaints) about other aspects of this place (the food at certain restaurants) and has complained about the behavior of some of the neighbors.
So, if my father-in-law has an issue with something on the island which limits his enjoyment of his time here, it does not mean he hates it here. If I have an issue with something on the island which limits my enjoyment of my time here, it means I hate it here and he is personally offended. This hypocrisy illustrates all too well how people expect the world to be processed in the way in which they process it and are confused, upset, or even offended when others perceive things in a different manner. He expects others to emotionally process everything as he does and can't understand why they do not. In fact, when he "had" to tell us how he felt, he said that he just can't understand why anyone would not "love" it here as he does. Well, we aren't him for starters and enjoy different things and are bothered by different things. This is not a rejection of the entire place, but merely the fact that we have different values than someone who prefers to sit around all day doing very little.
Of course, there is more to the story than that. One thing that I learned from this experience is that my complaints weren't merely coming from a sense of frustration and disapproval of people of means hogging up as much land as they could. Walking is much more to me than mere exercise or diversion. If it were merely that, I probably would not have complained at all.
I realized that walking for me after nearly two decades of being crippled by my body and unable to do so without pain represents my liberation from my former self. It is a demonstration of my success and my hard-earned independence. I need to do it not only to move my body and maintain my health, but also to feel free. I was not so removed from being a person confined in a wheelchair who was able to learn to walk again and I felt as if that ability was being taken away.
For my father-in-law, walking is something he is indifferent toward doing because he has never lost the ability to do it. To him, it's just the lamest, slowest form of exercise and locomotion. It's a diversion he doesn't enjoy. To me, it is the only exercise I am physically capable of doing due to a bad knee and bad back (which don't limit my walking too much, but make more strenuous exercise inadvisable at best and likely dangerous). But, it is much, much more than that, but he never asked why it bothered me. He never asked me about the roots of my feelings. He didn't care about me because he only cares about being him and he didn't realize that I'm not him and may have different feelings and needs.
Unfortunately, I realized that this is only the beginning of what is likely to be a long and difficult adjustment. My husband's family is very insular and much more self-centered than any group of people I have ever known. Their rejection of me when we first married went a long way toward shattering my hard-earned esteem at the end of college and setting me onto the path that got me to nearly 400 lbs. The challenge for me is to maintain a decent relationship with these people, but not allow their selfishness to have a destructive impact on me.
Fortunately, I have insight and my husband sees them for what they are now (he did not before). I know that it is not me. It is them. I don't say that as a way of dismissing them, but merely recognizing that their actions toward me do not reflect my value nor my behavior. They are selfish and ignore other people's needs because they don't know any better. Many of them have mental health issues which are masked or mild enough not to need strong treatment, but present enough to make them, at times, unpleasant to deal with. I didn't realize this before since my husband had praised them so much before I met them, but he was naive (by his own admission) and we see it now. With his support, I hope that I will not be dragged to the head of the same self-destructive path I was at before.
The lesson I would hope readers will take from this, and the one I'm taking as well, is to remember that others will judge you by your actions while letting themselves off the hook for theirs. Others will view the world through their emotional responses while trying to reject the validity of yours. Others will not understand or see why you value things they do not, but that does not mean you should not or are not entitled to value those things (much as they may try to convince you otherwise). Others will react to you based not on your value, but on their own psychological needs. Most people will treat you in a manner which is gratifying for them personally regardless of the effect on you or their relationship to you. They don't do this out of malice or meanness. They do it because they lack awareness.
That means that you have to protect yourself, though it doesn't mean you have to do it in a retaliatory or nasty way. For me, it's going to me structuring interactions and holding back when it comes to my nature. That is a nature in which I try to be kind and helpful to people because that is what I think the world should be like. However, sometimes you can't give of yourself to people who are selfish and clueless. They will take from you with one hand and then slap your face with the other hand because they don't have any idea how to build a relationship. They act on need and lack the reflective capacity to see their own behaviors. Knowing this, I will try to adapt to this situation and not allow it to tear down what I have built for myself after years of hard work. It has not and will not be easy.
The difficulties I've had have led to self-reflection about what is important to me and why, but also the limits of empathy and the seemingly limitless capacity of people to be self-centered in their thinking. Neither of these are exactly revelations, but personal experience is a powerful reinforcer of such thoughts.
In the place that I'm currently at, a group of islands in which people who are wealthy tend to vacation, I have found it hard to enjoy walking as I did back in the country I lived in in Asia. The reason for this difficulty is multi-fold. One is that the island I'm on is small and carved up into pieces of public and private land such that one can rarely walk far on a hiking trail before encountering a sign saying you cannot go any further or you'll be trespassing. Before I came here, I imagined long walks in nature and escaping the hectic sidewalks and crowds of the metropolis that I had been living in. Now, I find it hard to wander longer than 20 minutes on a nature trail or beach without being road-blocked by private property signs.
Since I grew up very poor, I'll admit that I have a negative reaction to the idea that wealth buys people a piece of the beach such that the public can walk for such a short time before being driven back. There's this huge world of trees, beaches, and natural beauty that someone has laid claim to because they don't want anyone coming within miles of their land. It just seems wrong to me that anyone can possess such things, especially when it isn't being used outside of the most attractive tourist times (the summer).
At any rate, this post isn't about my social views, as I realize that it can be argued that the possession of such property may be as much about protecting the habitats as privacy. This is about how bothered I have been at not being able to walk much here as compared to where I was before. Unless my husband and I walk along a relatively narrow public road with little shoulder and almost no protection from the beating sun and share it with intermittent vehicles passing by, we cannot walk for long before having to turn back. We have tried going to various public parks on this island to find better spaces, but have been stymied again and again by various problems.
On one particular occasion, we planned a trip to a particular park based on web site information and when we arrived, the trail leading to it was a virtual swamp. We tried to walk along the beach, but the stretch that the public had access to was no longer than a 10-minute stroll before we were barred access. Even the road itself dead-ended onto private property. This was extremely frustrating and, for about the third time, we complained about the way in which we couldn't walk anywhere on Facebook.
I need to mention that we are staying in a vacation cabin that is owned by my in-laws and they adore this island. They own two houses on it and have been coming here for more than 20 years. However, when they come here, they spend the vast majority of their time sitting in the cabin and just looking out the window at the view. They watch T.V., use the internet, and go to the tiny local village to shop. Occasionally, they will go crabbing or drive the car to some scenic spot and sit there and look at the view. Most of their time here is spent doing almost nothing different than what they do at home. They just do it with nicer scenery around them.
For my husband and I, this is a nice enough place, and we are grateful to have a place to stay while we work out our lives in America (a sentiment that we have expressed many, many, many times), but this environment is not only sleepy, but practically comatose. We are not the type of people who enjoy sitting around staring out windows looking at the same scenes again and again nor do we see value added to internet use or T.V. watching for having done it in a cabin on an island instead of at home. We are accustomed to a more stimulating existence, and, since I have lost weight, a more active one. We really don't watch much television at all (never did), and that makes up a lot of my in-laws' lives.
You may guess that one of my in-laws, in this case, my father-in-law, took the critical comments about the limits of our ability to walk personally. He was upset and said that he felt we mustn't like it here and his feelings were hurt. It's important to note that this is the only point which we have complained about and has no bearing on our immediate environment. I have also commented on Facebook about how lovely the cabin we are staying in is and my husband has been very positive about the local wildlife. However, my father-in-law was agitated about these repeated complaints.
That being said, my father-in-law has had his complaints about this place as well, and his have a far greater bearing on the immediate environment around the cabin. There is an area at which people practice shooting their guns not too far from the cabin and another at which they ride their dirt bikes. He complained at least 3 times and at great length about the noise from the gunshots. He also talked about how he lobbied to limit their ability to do shooting practice and failed. He went on about these things at length on multiple occasions. My husband and I have never complained about this noise. In fact, each time my father-in-law complained, I said it didn't really bother me at all (nor do the dirt bikes). He has also expressed less than glowing opinions (though not actual complaints) about other aspects of this place (the food at certain restaurants) and has complained about the behavior of some of the neighbors.
So, if my father-in-law has an issue with something on the island which limits his enjoyment of his time here, it does not mean he hates it here. If I have an issue with something on the island which limits my enjoyment of my time here, it means I hate it here and he is personally offended. This hypocrisy illustrates all too well how people expect the world to be processed in the way in which they process it and are confused, upset, or even offended when others perceive things in a different manner. He expects others to emotionally process everything as he does and can't understand why they do not. In fact, when he "had" to tell us how he felt, he said that he just can't understand why anyone would not "love" it here as he does. Well, we aren't him for starters and enjoy different things and are bothered by different things. This is not a rejection of the entire place, but merely the fact that we have different values than someone who prefers to sit around all day doing very little.
Of course, there is more to the story than that. One thing that I learned from this experience is that my complaints weren't merely coming from a sense of frustration and disapproval of people of means hogging up as much land as they could. Walking is much more to me than mere exercise or diversion. If it were merely that, I probably would not have complained at all.
I realized that walking for me after nearly two decades of being crippled by my body and unable to do so without pain represents my liberation from my former self. It is a demonstration of my success and my hard-earned independence. I need to do it not only to move my body and maintain my health, but also to feel free. I was not so removed from being a person confined in a wheelchair who was able to learn to walk again and I felt as if that ability was being taken away.
For my father-in-law, walking is something he is indifferent toward doing because he has never lost the ability to do it. To him, it's just the lamest, slowest form of exercise and locomotion. It's a diversion he doesn't enjoy. To me, it is the only exercise I am physically capable of doing due to a bad knee and bad back (which don't limit my walking too much, but make more strenuous exercise inadvisable at best and likely dangerous). But, it is much, much more than that, but he never asked why it bothered me. He never asked me about the roots of my feelings. He didn't care about me because he only cares about being him and he didn't realize that I'm not him and may have different feelings and needs.
Unfortunately, I realized that this is only the beginning of what is likely to be a long and difficult adjustment. My husband's family is very insular and much more self-centered than any group of people I have ever known. Their rejection of me when we first married went a long way toward shattering my hard-earned esteem at the end of college and setting me onto the path that got me to nearly 400 lbs. The challenge for me is to maintain a decent relationship with these people, but not allow their selfishness to have a destructive impact on me.
Fortunately, I have insight and my husband sees them for what they are now (he did not before). I know that it is not me. It is them. I don't say that as a way of dismissing them, but merely recognizing that their actions toward me do not reflect my value nor my behavior. They are selfish and ignore other people's needs because they don't know any better. Many of them have mental health issues which are masked or mild enough not to need strong treatment, but present enough to make them, at times, unpleasant to deal with. I didn't realize this before since my husband had praised them so much before I met them, but he was naive (by his own admission) and we see it now. With his support, I hope that I will not be dragged to the head of the same self-destructive path I was at before.
The lesson I would hope readers will take from this, and the one I'm taking as well, is to remember that others will judge you by your actions while letting themselves off the hook for theirs. Others will view the world through their emotional responses while trying to reject the validity of yours. Others will not understand or see why you value things they do not, but that does not mean you should not or are not entitled to value those things (much as they may try to convince you otherwise). Others will react to you based not on your value, but on their own psychological needs. Most people will treat you in a manner which is gratifying for them personally regardless of the effect on you or their relationship to you. They don't do this out of malice or meanness. They do it because they lack awareness.
That means that you have to protect yourself, though it doesn't mean you have to do it in a retaliatory or nasty way. For me, it's going to me structuring interactions and holding back when it comes to my nature. That is a nature in which I try to be kind and helpful to people because that is what I think the world should be like. However, sometimes you can't give of yourself to people who are selfish and clueless. They will take from you with one hand and then slap your face with the other hand because they don't have any idea how to build a relationship. They act on need and lack the reflective capacity to see their own behaviors. Knowing this, I will try to adapt to this situation and not allow it to tear down what I have built for myself after years of hard work. It has not and will not be easy.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Public Private Message
This is a little public message for my faithful reader and frequent commenter, dlamb. Please feel free to privately e-mail me at screamingfatgirl@gmail. com to relay anything you'd like to tell me, but not do so publicly. That goes for any reader out there! I'm happy to hear from you!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)