Today's Lunch

It may seem from these lunches that I eat a lot of bagels, but that's not true most of the time. I just happened to buy one of those big bags with 12 bagels at Costco and it takes me a long time to eat them since I only eat half at a time. Usually, I have whole wheat bread, and later lunches should reflect this. Using bagels means that these lunches are about 80 calories more than my usual, but that's okay. I enjoy the bagels and they're more filling than thin slices of wheat bread. I simply have to adjust later snacks so that I eat a bit less on days when I'm having these bagels.

Today, I had one of my more filling lunches. Tuna always keeps me full longer than any other type of protein. I also had a bit of avocado, which is often hard to squeeze in because it's so high in calories. Finally, I had the last of some carrot soup I had lying around. I had this with half of a bottle of Coke Zero.

Tuna salad (2 servings):

• 1 can of water-packed Albacore tuna, drained (210 calories)
• 2 tbsp. reduced calorie mayonnaise (60 calories) or 1 tbsp. regular mayonnaise with 1 tbsp. yogurt (100 calories)
• 1 tbsp. plain, low-fat yogurt (10 calories)
• 1 thin slice large onion, finely chopped (4 calories)
• seasoning to taste - garlic powder, celery salt, pepper are my favorites

total for all: 284 calories

If you like moister tuna salad, it's not going to cost much in calories just to put more yogurt in it and I can't taste it much. If you're sensitive to yogurt flavors, it may be best to go with reduced calorie mayo and add more of it.

1/2 bagel = 160 calories
tuna salad (1/2 the above) = 142 calories (add 20 more if you use full fat mayo and yogurt)
tomato (1 small) and avocado salad (1 thin slice) = 16 + 32 = 48 calories
10 oz. carrot soup = 100 calories
total: 450 calories

Fat Collocations

Most people use collocations all of the time, but they don't realize that is what they are called. A collocation is a grouping together of words in a certain order to make a common expression. You find that certain words tend to pair up with one another. For example, "mortal" and "combat" are often paired or "crystal" and "clear". Now, if you think about "thin" and the words that it are frequently collocated with it, you may come up with "thin and beautiful" or "thin and attractive". Conversely, we find that "fat" is often collocated with "ugly" or "disgusting".

These collocations aren't merely expressions, but part of our collective consciousness about how we regard weight and appearance. The truth is, however, that weight doesn't always have such a clear cut relationship to appearance. There are plenty of thin people who are ugly and fat ones who are beautiful. Beauty is considered to be largely subjective, but, in reality, it is a measure of certain types of symmetry which almost all humans find more appealing. Being overweight is seen as "ugly" mainly because the weight changes the symmetry or favorable ratios that are connected to beauty and because affluent cultures place a higher status on being thin.

The point of this post isn't to argue about "big" being potentially "beautiful". My point is that the collocation about "thin" being beautiful may actually play a part in the psychology of people regaining weight. Many women believe that they will be beautiful once they lose weight, but the truth is that many women lose weight and merely look average or even below average. The basic structure of beauty can't be acquired through weight loss. If your facial symmetry or waist to hip ratio at a lower weight are not appealing, you won't be beautiful when you are thin. You will just be thin.

Sometimes I wonder if the expectation that one will be regarded much more positively or become "hot" by dropping excess weight sets one up for a major fall when they get closer to their goal. What if you find out as you approach your goal that you aren't some great beauty hiding under all of that weight as everyone seems to be telling you when you're fat? What if you find that you are almost as invisible to the wandering eyes of men seeking partners as before or that you don't look really great in your smaller size clothes? It happens. In fact, it happens more than people realize as we never view ourselves as others do. People sometimes think they look great because they lost weight, but they actually look quite average.

One thing I've noticed when I view the progress pictures of the brave people who put up pictures of themselves after weight loss (and they are so much braver than me) is that many of them look healthier (and therefore "better"), but not necessarily "beautiful" or even "pretty". I had a similar experience when I lost weight in college. I don't think I looked beautiful or pretty, and it seemed that my nose really looked bigger with a smaller face.

So, what happens when a woman loses a lot of weight and she doesn't become beautiful? Well, the expected "reward" of beauty doesn't come at the end of a lot of effort and the chances that one will regain are increased. I'm not saying that is all it will take to set off the cycle of gaining weight after losing, but that it very well could be a factor. For this and many reasons, I think that overall fitness, mobility, and health should be the main focus of weight loss rather than appearance. Without having this priority in place, there is an increased probability of eventually looking in the mirror and saying, "why bother", when confronted with the choice of overindulging in food.

Today's Lunch

Today's lunch was super simple because I was in a hurry. I was also in the mood for cheese so I took half of an onion poppy seed bagel from the freezer, thawed it a bit in the microwave (but left it still a bit cold), topped with Colby Jack cheese, and stuck it in the toaster oven just enough to soften the cheese. It's amazing how something so simple can be so good when you really crave it. I had it with carrot soup that I had already made and just a few strawberries. I had more strawberries later as a snack, but wanted a few as a sweet finish to this small lunch.

carrot soup:

• 1 tsp. oil (40 calories)
• 1 tsp. fennel seed (7 calories)
• 1 medium onion, diced (44 calories)
• 1 semi-heaping tsp. curry powder (9 calories)
• 2 small whole garlic cloves, peeled (9 calories)
• 3 large carrots, scrubbed with tips removed, sliced (90 calories)
• 1 can (2 cups) chicken or vegetable stock (20 calories for chicken)
• 1 1/2 cups low fat milk (135 calories)
• 1/2-1 cup water
• salt and coarse black pepper to taste (I use 1/2 tsp. salt, and 1/4 tsp. pepper)

total (entire batch): 354 calories

Heat a medium soup pot (that you have a lid for) under low heat. Add the oil to the hot pan and tip it around to coat the bottom evenly. Add the fennel seeds and allow them to cook for about a minute. Add the diced onion and garlic cloves and stir it around in the oil and fennel. Cook the onions over low or medium heat until they become translucent. If they start to stick or brown too quickly, lower the heat and stir more frequently. It should take 5-10 minutes to cook the onions. It's important to do this to remove the "raw" or harsh flavors from the onion.

Add the curry powder to the onions and stir it around. Cook the curry powder for 2-3 minutes with the onions. Add the carrots and stir around to coat with seasonings. Add the soup stock, salt, pepper, water and milk. Note that the amount of water you use depends on how thin you want the soup to be. I prefer mine thick, so I use a half cup, but the size of the vegetables plays into this as well. Stir to mix, cover with a lid, and allow to cook over low to medium-low heat at a vigorous simmer. A vigorous simmer means it is boiling a little, but not at a point where the pot might boil over. Stir the soup occasionally (about every 10 minutes or so).

Cook until the carrots are tender. The time this takes depends on how you slice or cut up your carrots. Smaller pieces take less time. Generally speaking, between 30-45 minutes is good. It's okay to overcook the soup, but not to cook too little as the carrots need to be very tender. Test the carrots with a fork to see if they are done. If you can cut one of the thicker or larger pieces in half easily with a fork, it is cooked well enough. When the carrots are thoroughly cooked, use an immersion blender to puree it well. Serve hot or cold.

This makes between 4-5 one-cup (8 oz.) servings of soup. The volume varies slightly depending on the size of your vegetables and whether or not you make the soup thinner or thicker. For my FitDay logging, I just place one serving at 80 calories which I believe is going to be within 10 calories one way or another if I have a one cup serving.

bagel = 160 calories
1.6 oz. cheese = 174 calories
8 oz. carrot soup = 80 calories
4 strawberries = 16 calories
total = 430

Because of the low amount of protein, I was hungry about 2 hours later, but I rather expected that. I had a half cup of (full fat, with sugar) yogurt with the second serving of strawberries about two hours after this.

Fat and Happiness

Lately, I've been bouncing around to various blogs written by women who are overweight and not necessarily interested in losing weight. Several themes shine through across the blogs. One is that one can be healthy and fat. Another is that it doesn't have to hold you back in your career. A big one is that, yes, people can be happy while fat.

I have been thinking about my happiness levels now as compared to 9 months ago. It's probably not entirely fair to reach conclusions at this point about how happy I might be if I were thinner, since I'm still very fat. That being said, I can compare my happiness at a life lead close to 400 lbs. and holding as compared to a life lead at close to 300 lbs. and dropping. If nothing else, this post will be a bookmark for the future when I've lost more weight.

When I pondered this point, I realized that measuring happiness is not an easy thing. It's difficult to find a starting point, but I thought I would begin by looking at the things which diminish my ability to be content and how they have been affected by my weight loss so far. The primary factor in reducing my overall quality of life was physical pain and a lack of mobility due to that pain. If I look at both of those factors, I can say that having lost 100 lbs. has diminished my overall physical pain on a daily basis by about 85% and my mobility issues by about 75%. That means my happiness "suppression" due to these factors has been greatly alleviated.

That being said, there are new factors related to weight loss that have also played into decreasing happiness. For one thing, I no longer have unhindered pleasure with food. Setting aside the fact that seeking pleasure and comfort in food is unhealthy on multiple levels, the fact of the matter is that I enjoyed eating more then than I do now on a quantitative level (though not necessarily on a qualitative one). I spent more of my time eating and enjoying it as well as preparing and less shopping for food than I do now. Now, I'm basically imprisoned by calorie counting and treat budgeting such that I get a trickle of the food pleasure that I once did. In terms of the loss of happiness due to a change in eating habits, I've probably seen a 95% loss in food-related pleasures because I'm losing weight.

I also find that I have much less free time than I used to have and can't relax nearly as much as before because I have to constantly deal with food and push myself to move more. I think more about food, and enjoy it less. Because of the vigilance I must exercise in crafting meals, counting calories, balancing nutrition, and making sure I have what I need on hand at all times, I find myself constantly working on preparing meals and cleaning up after them. Anyone who says that eating healthily isn't more difficult than eating junk is a gigantic liar, is someone who has a personal chef doing all of the heavy lifting, or is ingesting a lot of expensive, frozen, pre-made diet meals (which taste bad and aren't really good for you). I'm sorry, but the truth is that it takes a lot of effort to look after your best food interests.

The other factor about losing weight which is hindering my happiness is the fact that I have to go out among people more. Before, I would go out once a week, twice tops, to shop because of my pain while walking. That meant that I was exposed less to people who treated me poorly. Now, I go out for walks 6 out of 7 days a week and get treated like crap (gawked at, made fun of, whispered about, given dirty looks, stared at) almost everyday. That's bound to undermine my happiness. The only thing I can say about this last point is that there is some small hope that, when I lose enough weight to look relatively "normal", this sort of behavior will stop.

For me, the current situation is that I am happier in some ways because of weight loss, but, on the whole, I am not appreciably happier than before. I am less unhappy in some ways and less happy than in others. One thing is clear though, aside from physical pain, I could be a lot happier if other people would mind their own business and leave me alone. Most of the unhappiness I feel about being fat now that most of my pain is greatly diminished is due to how others treat me, not to any inherent personal wish to look a certain way.

As for other fat bloggers who carry the fat pride flag and are doing what they can to convince the world that one can be fat and happy, I say, "more power to you." They surely have more strength to endure the critical glare of the world around them. Of course, the "thin" world around them is never going to believe they are really happy. How can they possibly believe a fat person can be happy when they (the thin people) are doing their utmost day-in and day-out to make you as miserable as possible?

Resisting the Impulse

This morning, I did something emotionally difficult for me. I have connected with many old school friends on FaceBook and one of them holds a special place for me. Unfortunately, there was something this person has been saying on a regular basis which I was troubled by. It wasn't the specifics, but rather the general idea. I had to consider whether or not to say something in a constructive, non-judgmental way that I felt I should say. I didn't think that I should say it because I was emotional or upset, but just because I think that this type of pattern of behavior is destructive on the whole and reflects poorly on people who do it.

In the end, I decided that I would say something because I concluded that it would be better to lose a trivial association with someone I care about than to say nothing and preserve it. In essence, I wanted to say something that would elevate the relationship in a way rather than treat it as two ships passing on FaceBook. I carefully crafted my message in the best way possible, and sent it off.

After sending it, I felt hungry, and I decided to have some grapes. That was fine since breakfast was small, as usual, and a fruit-based snack between breakfast and lunch isn't unusual for me on my plan. After eating the grapes, I was eyeballing a snack cake remainder that had been around for several days and thinking of eating it, too. The portion that was left was only 90 calories, and I could afford it though I'd have to sacrifice a better-timed, more filling snack later.

At this point, I realized that this was not me being hungry or treating myself, but stress-based emotional eating desires manifesting themselves. I'm nervous about how my friend will respond. In particular, I think there is at least a 50-50 chance he'll just boot me from his friend's list without a word in response. While I have some faith in my writing ability, I think that words on a screen are read in the voice of the reader, not the writer, and can be infused with all of the wrong intentions. (Update: he responded kindly and all is well)

I haven't felt much in the way of stress eating as of late, and I even mentioned several posts ago that I consciously dismissed food as an option for comfort in moments of dire emotional stress. It seems, however, that the unconscious urge to eat in times of less acute stress are still there and propelling me. Fortunately, I recognized this for what it was and left the cake alone. I would say that it is amazing that this still happens, but I think it's be more astonishing if it didn't. It's not just the big things that drive me to food, but it's the little ones as well.

For the record, the technique I use when I feel the urge to eat things too early in the day, when it's easier to slip because you have more calories left to "spend", is to go to FitDay and fill out my calorie log for the next meal (or the rest of the day). Seeing the total for food I plan to eat but has not yet been eaten often takes the wind out of my eating sails when I want to do something which is imprudent.

Today's Dinner

I love chicken eaten over glutinous rice. The combination is very good in terms of the contrasting textures, and you don't have to add gravy or butter to the rice because it will take on the flavor of the meat that you make with it if you eat them both together.

The ground chicken was seasoned only with salt and pepper and was cooked in a cast iron skillet. Using cast iron lends meat a nicer flavor than using a non-stick pan. I also threw in some garlic cloves and fried them up with the burger, though I used a very scant amount of oil in the process. One other nice aspect of cast iron pans is that they can work with little oil after they are seasoned.

The burger was perfectly cooked (still juicy) and the texture of the ground meat went very well with the rice. I mashed and cut up the garlic with the side of my fork and ate it with bites of chicken and rice. It may be a bit strong for some people, but I really enjoyed it. The garlic was softer and mellower because of slow cooking in the cast iron skillet.

I had hot tea and water with this, and the chocolate was "dessert". I usually don't eat sweets right after dinner, but I had had a low calorie day and was in the mood for it. The chocolate was two small squares of a large bar of hazelnut milk chocolate (chocolate with whole nuts in it) that I bought a long time ago and have slowly been eating over a period of months. It has been in a Ziploc bag my refrigerator, buffeted around as other food is shifted around it, for quite awhile so it looks a little bruised. It was delicious though. You can compare the squares to the size of the grapes to see just how small they were.

I took a multivitamin with this meal, as I try to do every night with dinner.

carrot salad (1 serving):

• 1 carrot, peeled and grated (25 calories)
• 1 tsp. oil (any type you like) (40 calories)
• 1-2 tsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1/2 tsp. whole grain mustard
• salt, pepper, parsley to taste
  total calories: 65 calories
  

Add the lemon juice, oil, mustard, and spices to a bowl and whisk together. Stir in the grated carrot with a fork, cover and place in the refrigerator to marinate for an hour or so. You can eat it fresh, but it's nicer is you let it sit for a bit. The flavors combine much more smoothly and the carrot gets a little softer.

chicken burger (4 oz.) = 142 calories
garlic cloves = 14 calories
1 cup glutinous rice = 168 calories
grated carrot salad = 65 calories
3.4 oz. red grapes = 66 calories
hazelnut chocolate = 90
total = 545

The Secret Life of Fat People

One day my boss and I were walking to a restaurant for lunch and it was quite cold. He made some remark about how bitter it was, and I concurred. In response to my comment, he mentioned that I might be warmer if I "zipped up". He said this because I was wearing my coat, but it was hanging open. Of course, what he did not know, as a person of average weight, was that I couldn't zip it up because I was too fat for it to fit properly.

Sometimes I think that the part of the world which has never been obese doesn't realize the level of suffering on a daily basis and on every level that very fat people endure. They can't conceptualize the myriad challenges that we face from clothes that won't fit right to shoe-tying to worrying about fitting into chairs. My boss is a wonderful and sensitive person. I have no doubt that he was completely oblivious as to why I didn't zip up my coat because the only reason he wouldn't have done so was that he forgot or was being careless. People tend to see the world through their own perspective and don't inhabit the reality of others without being forced to do so for one reason or another. They're not aware of "the secret life of fat people" and all the little embarrassments and humiliations we fear and endure. Of course, many of them could hardly care. They think we deserve to suffer for being such "lazy", "weak-willed", and "out-of-control" "pigs".

One of my fondest wishes come next winter is that I will finally have lost enough weight to zip up my coat. This past winter, my coat fit around my upper body with inches to spare, but is still at about 8 inches too small around my lower body. My disproportionate weight loss is troublesome in this regard, but I'm hoping the fat cells in my stomach and behind will finally relent and allow themselves to shrink by the time the harsh chill is back with a vengeance.