Friday, September 3, 2010

An Examplary Man

Ex"am*pla*ry\, a. [From Examplecf. Exemplary.] Serving forexample or pattern; exemplary."

Ricky Gervais is a British comedian known in America mainly as the creator of the British "The Office" series which has been adapted for American audiences in a version starring Steve Carell. He has also made a few movies, but they have not performed particularly well. For fans of British comedy, he is also known for a fairly brilliant, but esoteric comedy about actors and acting called, "Extras".

It was through "Extras" that I came to know Ricky Gervais's work, and the fact that he was capable as someone who was seen as "fat" of mocking his own physicality. In particular, there is an episode of that show guest starring David Bowie in which the iconic singer composes a song on the fly about Gervais's character being a "little fat man". As Bowie improvises a song, Gervais's character sits uncomfortably trying to take it with good humor but his face registers a range of conflicting emotions. The scene is not funny in a conventional way. It's more of a painful situation which people identify with and sympathize with the character's dilemma. It's exposing something real and extracting dark humor from it.

A lot of Gervais's writing and humor comes from exploring pain, failure, and the human side of characters. His characters expose bald character flaws and weaknesses and generally lack self-awareness. It is not easy humor to watch or enjoy at times, but it is intricate and subtle in a way that some may appreciate, and others may find boring or uncomfortable.

I think there has been a place for Gervais's craft and that it has been interesting to explore. That being said, his work as of late has taken another turn. Gervais lost quite a bit of weight and started to buff up some, supposedly in fear of dying from a heart attack. After he lost weight, he started to attack fat people at every turn. People argue whether or not he truly feels what he is saying or if this is a comedic persona that he has concocted like his other comedy characters as a next step in his "evolution" as a comedian.

To me, it is irrelevant whether this is real or fake, because the underlying reasons for his assault against overweight people would be the same regardless. The truth is that Gervais, like many fat people who have managed to become thin, has lost the weight, but not the self-hate. When he castigates and blames fat people, he's using them as representatives of his former physical self because mentally he remains full of fat person self-loathing. He may also feel the need to keep beating up fat people as a way of beating himself up so that he keeps enough disgust for his former self in place to stop him from regaining weight. If so, his capacity to control himself is being held in place by the weakest of resolve, and he deserves our pity rather than our anger that he abuses us so roundly.

Like many formerly fat people, he has found that losing weight hasn't resulted in self-love, but in continued self-loathing. Since the body in the mirror doesn't match that internal feeling, he has no option but look outside of himself for targets and to use other fat people as representative punching bags. The very sad reality is that when David Bowie sings about the "pathetic little fat man", it was really Gervais saying that to himself, and even though he's no longer fat, nothing has really changed for Gervais in terms of his attitude toward himself. He still hates himself and that is a state which he has grown so accustomed to that the anger has to go somewhere else. His inner voices must be raging critical demons, and they're attacking us in lieu of him.

I talk about Ricky Gervais not because he is famous, but because his life is a public one by choice. It is easy for others to follow my links and see who he is and what he says. I am talking about him because he is an example of something that happens to some fat people when they lose weight when they don't deal with the underlying emotions that they have had for years as abused and tormented people. These people are still around, and they tend to be the sharpest critics of fat people. They're the first to dish out "tough love", talk about "willpower", and point out how you are unwilling to "sacrifice" enough. They need to beat you up because inside they need to keep beating themselves up. They also need to elevate themselves at your expense because inside they still feel inadequate despite their trimmer physiques. Inside, they still are full of anger and self-hate, just like Ricky Gervais.

With incredibly hard work and difficulty, you can eventually whittle your way free of your fat exterior, but it's even harder to lose the fat person mentality. No one exemplifies that better than Ricky Gervais.

13 comments:

Fat Grump said...

I completely understand what you are saying, but I think I have a foot in both camps here.

We become fat and we beat ourselves up. Not many of us properly love what we are, because whether we are great people or not, we have fat padding, and that becomes our identity in a way.

Describe me and I am the fat middle aged blonde...not the woman with lovely greeen eyes, or the one who works well with young people, or the women who is funny and good company, or the great and caring mother. I am a fat blonde. I am more than my fatness, of course I am, but I bet if lots of strangers were asked to describe me, the words 'fat' or 'overweight' would crop up somewhere.

OK, so it's not good to judge, but I think 'fat acceptance' is a double-edged sword. The day I become comfortable with my fatness is (to me..and of course this is MY response)the day I might as well give up on myself.

I am NOT fat and happy. I have a good life, but it is spoiled frequently and in so many ways by my fatness. I lack the confidence I used to have because I am now fat.

Again, this is a personal response..I don't want people to comfort me and tell me I am lovely just as I am. I have to be fat-aware because that's the only way I will remain conscious of my desire to shift the fat - for all sorts of reasons, health ones included.

Yes, Gervais makes cruel jibes about fat people, which of course reflects some of the inner 'obese man' turmoil he hasn't yet shed, but personally a general "Fatso, get off yer arse!" works a million times better for me than "Aww - you are such a lovely person, and being fat isn't a crime."

I used to be thin. Being fat is doing absolutely nothing for me, on so many levels. I can take the abuse flung out at fat people everywhere. If he said it to my face I'd have a retort and probably be hurt,but I wouldn't be destroyed or mortified. He has a point. I don't admire that sort of humour - fat people live with the pain of being fat - I certainly do, but I don't feel his thinking is in any way criminal. I need spurring on. Silent mirrors do it for me, and suspect humour, direct and cutting, aimed at fat people does it for me too. It makes me want to become smaller. My Dr. can tell me to lose weight - so can Gervais, in his cruel manner. They both have a point but Gervais's reaches more ears.

Sorry - just saying it as I see it.

Polar's Mom said...

Love the analyzation in this post. However I wonder if that much is going on with him... Sure we all still see the fat person in the mirror after the weight is gone, but maybe Ricky is just making the same fat jokes he always did. Except now, he is no longer fat so it seems he is projecting this humor onto other fat people. Regardless of his motive, I agree this humor is not cool, and he should understand why having been there himself. Or maybe he just expects all fat people to be as self-depricating as he is, or that he gets a free pass since he was once overweight. I guess all of what you and I have said could be correct, the only person who really knows what is going on is Ricky himself.

Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com

screaming fatgirl said...

Grump: I think you feel the way you do because you used to be thin and probably subscribe to the societal image of fat people as disgusting. Your internally generated self-image is affected more strongly in your body weight because it always has been - because it was a benefit when you were thin to some extent. People who have been fat all of their lives define themselves less by their bodies. They are disconnected from them (because society makes them hate themselves for their bodies so they can either constantly be depressed and full of self-hate every second of the day or they can find other ways to define themselves).

Others have always defined me by my body. I have not. I am much more than that and always will be. I'm making connections with my body now because I need to do so for health purposes, but I don't need to be abused, ridiculed, blamed, or "kicked in the backside" by anyone. All those things do is hurt me and undermine my efforts to do well for myself. You cannot abuse people into better choices or habits. You can't abuse them into being stronger people who are capable of making better choices.

I don't need anyone, and particularly a self-hating comedian who either has no schtick left except fat abuse (a pretty lame and unfunny type of humor which isn't nearly as subtle or well-crafted as his self-deprecating humor) to make me feel bad so I'll be motivated to improve.

Essentially, you are saying that you have to hate yourself to change. I don't. I have to love myself to change. I have to feel worthy of all of the effort, cost in time and cost in food choices. I have to feel I am important enough and valuable enough to "save". I got to the weight I'm at because I felt so worthless based on the way I have been treated based on weight. I didn't get where I am in terms of weight loss because of that abuse, but because of my husband's unconditional acceptance and my own character strength and motivation.

Fortunately for you, there are plenty of people out there who are more than happy to abuse you into changing yourself. Unfortunately for me, there are plenty out there willing to abuse me into making it very hard to change myself. I succeed in spite of people like Gervais, not because of them.

Polar's Mom: This sort of humor would be fine, if it was funny. I don't have a problem with "fat humor", as long as it is unique, clever and entertaining. I have a friend who isn't fat (just a little overweight) who can't stand listening to Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom" because she is unhappy with the looks of her posterior. I love that song, and I'm much fatter than her.

The main problem with what Gervais is doing is that he's no funnier than someone like Howard Stern. He's either self-hating, or he's no cleverer than a "shock jock" who just says horrible things about people to get attention. It's too simple, and mean-spirited. His humor (in my experience) laid not in the words, but in how he reacted to the fat jokes. If he's not reacting, there is no humor. By merely spewing vitriol, he isn't doing anything but, well, putting out poison.

Is it clever to say, "get off your fat ass and run"? Is that a joke? Is it in any way clever and worthy of a smile, let alone a laugh?

Sorry, he isn't funny when he does this, and I find it hard to believe this is about doing what he always did. I've seen him interviewed several times on Jon Stewart's show and there is nothing humorous in what he does. It isn't my fat sensitivity. It's just that he's not funny. He's full of anger.

Fat Grump said...

Hi again SFG :)

You wrote: "Essentially, you are saying that you have to hate yourself to change. I don't. I have to love myself to change."


No...I have to hate 'what I look like' to change.

I really appreciate myself. I am good and great in many ways..but I don't like what I see in a mirror. It depresses me. I can see good skin, nice fingernails, a pleasant smile, green eyes..and I am self-assured enough to know that I am kind, reasonably bright, curious, friendly, caring...etc, etc, etc. All this loveliness comes in a lumpen body.

I care that I carry flab around. How do we become fat? We eat too much and we don't burn it off. We overeat or under-exercise for a myriad of reasons. We turn to food, we comfort eat.

Why don't we comfort eat apples? Why don't we comfort eat tomatoes and lettuce? We find solace or enjoyment in pies, cakes, burgers, chocolate, ice-cream etc, etc...and there has to come a day when we know this damaging behaviour has to stop. We love ourselves by trying to put it right.

Former obese man Gervais's fat attacks aren't clever or kind, and we could do without them, but do we really want people to go easy on us..to understand and console? Is it helpful if people say "There, there" and soothe us - really?

If Gervais was a doctor and said in a public health announcement -

"Overweight people really should get up and out of their comfort zones and exercise. It is necessary to remain healthy and it's a good way to lose weight. They should also become aware of what bad food choices are doing to them..." would you find that insulting too?

He has said as much - but in cruder, more basic terms. The message is the same whether it's hurtful or not or whether it's delivered by a former fat man or a doctor.

screaming fatgirl said...

Grump: "I have to hate 'what I look like' to change. "

Do you need any external assistance with hating what you look like? I want to stay on track here and not drift from the core point, which is about people like Gervais spreading a self-hating message for fat people. I don't think you need more reinforcement of that.

So, I ask again, do you honestly need help from outsiders to make sure you continue to dislike your appearance?

Also, there is a difference between not being hit with fat-hating poison and being told you're lovely as you are. I think we need to operate in a supportive, realistic environment. It should be neutral and allow us to work with our own set of thoughts.

"Do we really want people to go easy on us..to understand and console? "

"We" (meaning I) want people to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS. I want them to stay out of it entirely, neither deriding nor consoling.

This is a personal thing and we don't need the input of the peanut gallery which hasn't spent a single day in our skin nor lived our experiences. I require neither consolation nor coddling, but I also do not benefit from abuse.

It is not the place of others to judge me and "go easy on me" or to "condemn me". It's really not a matter of either one or the other. They should stay out of it. It's my damn body, after all, and it's my life to live as I please whether it be to stuff myself with food, become a drug addict, or become a drunk. Society en masse has no say in it. The whole world would be better off in myriad ways if peopled minded their own business. So much more damage is done involving oneself in the concerns of others than simply leaving them to their own devices.

We are far more neurotic as a result of the self-centered, self-elevating meddling of "society" in our personal lives than ever in human history. You can see this in many facets of life but it is exemplified well in the book "Original Wisdom" where small, isolated communities regard the mentally ill with tolerance and compassion and the extent of their illness is far less destructive (for everyone) than it is in modern societies. If a community (not broad society) treats the problems of its citizens with compassion and tolerance, they do far better than if they are interfered with and treated as pariahs.

The more diffuse and intense pressure you exert on people to conform, the harder it is for them to be healthy both mentally and physically. When your friends, family and physician involve themselves in your life with care and concern, it is very different from being castigated publicly by strangers. The former helps, the latter harms. There are many reasons why people are fatter than ever, and it relates at least in part to how we are treated by society and sent media messages. We are told what to be, how to live, and how to act by people who have no stake in the outcome but act as if they do. People who have no connection involve themselves with our very personal choices and we develop anxiety and become isolated. We only change when we have a stake, not because strangers have a random desire to see us in some other way.

As for why we don't binge on apples for comfort, it's our biology. It's the response of neurotransmitters and endocrinology. We get comfort from foods that release serotonin and dopamine most expediently. It's not a personal choice to enjoy one food or another. It's our bodies exerting their power over our choices based on centuries of evolution. It's something you can choose not to do, but you can't alter the biological conditions which compel you to do it.

Fat Grump said...

SFG - believe me, I completely agree with all you have just written :)

However, my point is - this is the REAL world, a fairly vicious 2010.

We almost live life in a gold-fish bowl given the technology we have today to look in at other (women's) lives. Oh that we had a Utopia where everyone is caring, understanding and gentle.

Sadly, many of us compare ourselves unfavourably with others. We shouldn't but we are bombarded with images of the beautiful people, with beautiful lives.

Yes, years ago women in particular could just 'be'. We came in all shapes and sizes, and for the most part we could do our own thing, look as we wanted to look and gaze up admiringly at the (few) glamourous stars of the day...We appreciated their gorgeousness but didn't feel any pressure at all to emulate it.

How things have changed - and not for the better.

There is pressure all around us to conform - which is an interesting point, because I think my very begrudging attempt, my thinly veiled anger at 'having' to lose weight is a form of mini-rebellion against 'popular opinion' regarding what I 'should' be like. I want to just 'be' and be left alone, but given my health has suffered and I am getting older, self-love kicks in and I am doing this for me..for reasons of health, and yes, vanity.

Gervais's dig at the fat didn't really affect me terribly. He has a point, and he makes his point in a crude and unpleasant way. The fact that he did it may be wrong, but who can deny that he is only repeating the message that has gone global? Insurance and pharmacutical companies as well as the slimming industry actively promote the 'fat is ugly and unhealthy' message. You can't deny it.

All around us we are being told that beautiful, slim, healthy etc is the way forward. It's depressing. Gervais merely adds to that when he needn't, but *shrug* isn't that just typical of the crazy world in which we live?

screaming fatgirl said...

"Oh that we had a Utopia where everyone is caring, understanding and gentle."

I never asked anyone to be caring, understanding or gentle. I only ask that people leave others alone and mind their own business. In essence, I am saying people need not do one tiny little thing for me, just simply exhibit the self-control that stops them from acting against me.

Essentially, you are saying that people lack the self-control to stop imposing themselves and their opinions on others. This is their problem, not mine. I will not incorporate their weaknesses and the products thereof into my life anymore. I will not surrender control to a diffuse mass mentality that tells me how to live my life. This is the choice I make, and it really is about not offering them power over me or being swayed by their wishes.

This happens as a result of a high material quality of life and a spiritual and psychological emptiness that comes from lives of rampant materialism and an absence of concrete identity. People have nothing to latch onto so they go out and involve themselves in the business of others. If they had their own creative and fulfilling focus, they wouldn't care. This issue reflects how profoundly empty people are, and, again, it's really not my problem. It's just a variation on people who have an intense interest in celebrity gossip. They really need some fulfillment, but they are too lacking in self-awareness to realize that fact so they keep meddling in others lives. It's really a form of vicarious living, and they find it fulfilling because it requires nothing of them other than judging others to make themselves feel better.

We create the reality we live in. We begin by acting in a manner in which we prefer others act, and we continue by expressing a desire that the world be different. We don't get the world we want by shrugging our shoulders and saying, "the world is a terrible place and there's nothing we can do about it."

My point with this post wasn't about any of this though. It was about how people who lose weight don't lose their self-hate. This is all rather beside the point, but that doesn't make it any less interesting to consider, so I thank you for the exchange.

NewMe said...

Although I really enjoyed this post, I am even more interested in the exchange between SFG and Grumpy.

Essentially, Grumpy, when I read your posts (both here and on your website), I am always struck by how much self-hate you express. It is very clear that you were once slim and no longer are. And your hatred of fat people has carried over from your slim days. I know this sounds rough, but it does essentially boil down to just that.

I have never been excessively overweight, but have been at least plump most of my life. Moreover, I was never athletic (the kid who was always chosen last), which added to my feeling that I had a less than acceptable body.

Having always been on the fat side of the fence, I have a lot more compassion than you seem to have for the overweight amongst us.

Yes, most people can and should move more, but the across the board assumption that fat people are just lazy slobs just doesn't hold up scientifically. It is a prejudice that our society has accepted lock, stock and barrel. I, for one, will not stay silent before such unfounded hatred.

I also know that we are fat, obese or just plain overweight for many reasons. For you, it is probably in great part a factor of age (menopause and the attendant hormonal changes) and having had children. You are no worse than any other woman your age and I suspect that you would perhaps be a lot closer to your former slim self had you not had children. I certainly think that, in part, this is the case for me too.

Let's get the myth that overweight=unhealthy out of the way. This is just not true. Severe obesity *can* have an influence on one's health, but there are statistics showing that people with an "overweight" (not "obese") BMI are actually the healthiest from a general population point of view.

Personally, I want to fight for everyone's right to be healthy--not THIN--but healthy. I am much more interested in making sure that EVERYONE feels accepted coming to the gym, or to a yoga class or to the pool. Overweight women in particular loathe their bodies so much that they stop themselves from achieving better health because they do not want to be seen in public. THIS is the problem and famous idiots like Ricky Gervais certainly do not help at all.

I recognize just as much as you that we live in a fat-hating society, but I refuse to go with that flow.

Thus endeth the rant.

NewMe said...

Once again, Google has told me that my response is too long, but I have learnt the error of my ways and always save:

Part 1

Although I really enjoyed this post, I am even more interested in the exchange between SFG and Grumpy.

Essentially, Grumpy, when I read your posts (both here and on your website), I am always struck by how much self-hate you express. It is very clear that you were once slim and no longer are. And your hatred of fat people has carried over from your slim days. I know this sounds rough, but it does essentially boil down to just that.

I have never been excessively overweight, but have been at least plump most of my life. Moreover, I was never athletic (the kid who was always chosen last), which added to my feeling that I had a less than acceptable body.

Having always been on the fat side of the fence, I have a lot more compassion than you seem to have for the overweight amongst us.

Yes, most people can and should move more, but the across the board assumption that fat people are just lazy slobs just doesn't hold up scientifically. It is a prejudice that our society has accepted lock, stock and barrel. I, for one, will not stay silent before such unfounded hatred.

NewMe said...

Part 2:

I also know that we are fat, obese or just plain overweight for many reasons. For you, it is probably in great part a factor of age (menopause and the attendant hormonal changes) and having had children. You are no worse than any other woman your age and I suspect that you would perhaps be a lot closer to your former slim self had you not had children. I certainly think that, in part, this is the case for me too.

Let's get the myth that overweight=unhealthy out of the way. This is just not true. Severe obesity *can* have an influence on one's health, but there are statistics showing that people with an "overweight" (not "obese") BMI are actually the healthiest from a general population point of view.

Personally, I want to fight for everyone's right to be healthy--not THIN--but healthy. I am much more interested in making sure that EVERYONE feels accepted coming to the gym, or to a yoga class or to the pool. Overweight women in particular loathe their bodies so much that they stop themselves from achieving better health because they do not want to be seen in public. THIS is the problem and famous idiots like Ricky Gervais certainly do not help at all.

I recognize just as much as you that we live in a fat-hating society, but I refuse to go with that flow.

Thus endeth the rant.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a great discussion. Fat Grump seems to echo the belief that fat people benefit from a culture that pressures them to change. I might be more inclined to tolerate that rhetoric if the same culture provided more of the means and the support for fat people to change. But that would be a completely different kind of culture, now wouldn't it?

Ahem.

I follow a lot of blogs written by people with eating disorders, many recovering from anorexia and bulimia or binge eating disorders, because I see many of my coping behaviors as disordered, meaning they contribute to my misery more than to my comfort or security. How can compulsive overeating be viewed as *comfort eating* for example when it leads, often simultaneously, to so much emotional (and physical) distress?

In other words, my obesity is more than a self-control problem that can be fixed by staying on a diet and/or increasing my exercise. It is part of an *illness* or emotional dis-ease, if you will, that can only be repaired with a great deal of compassion, understanding, knowledge about biological mechanisms, and so forth. As SFG suggests, it would be much less of a struggle to cope (with fewer negative consequences) given a kinder and gentler social environment.

People like Gervais are not only not funny (is it funny to suggest that an anorexic for god's sake just needs to eat some pie?), but he and others like him are insulated from the harmful consequences of their actions. They don't have to confront the harm they do, not just to another individual, but to thousands of sensitive persons, maybe even millions, who feel more ashamed and hopeless with every hateful comment they internalize.

-Rebecca

screaming fatgirl said...

NewMe: You said a lot of the things I've been thinking, and you organized those thoughts very well. Thank you so much for your input. It's always appreciated

Also, Google has been goofy with comments as of late. I've had similar problems.

Rebecca: I think the whole "support" issue is on the money. I'm not even talking about people "being nice", but rather about the government not subsidizing ingredients that go into unhealthy foods to make them cheaper than healthy foods. Why don't they subsidize fresh and organic food? Why don't the offer up free or very cheap exercise opportunities? Why don't they encourage companies to offer "movement breaks" for employees who sit in cubicle farms?

They don't do anything except condemn, criticize and take money from food stamps so Michelle Obama can create an unintentionally fat-hostile environment for fat kids. It's a little like people who oppose abortion, but also oppose welfare services for poor families. They care about the problem, but not enough to do anything about it beyond complain and judge.

Inner said...

I just want to say thank you for everyone taking the time to post. Insightful discussion and honest feedback = good food for thought.