Control, the Illusion, the Reality, the Need

Recently, my husband and I were invited to one of his coworker’s homes. In the past, accepting such an invitation was out of the question for me. With my back pain, mobility issues, and the uncertainty associated with situating my large body in unknown surroundings that I may not fit in, my husband always knew that I could not go to another person's home. It was physically impossible when I couldn’t walk 5 minutes without great pain, and very stressful because of the potential trauma involved in finding myself in a situation where I was so fat I might not fit due to my girth.

Now that my back pain is almost reduced to the point that it is not an issue except in the longest sojourns and my size is about two-thirds of what it once was, the possibility of my taking part in such social situations has been opened up again. This may look like some sort of achievement, but it actually is something that makes me uncomfortable and causes stress. I’m not necessarily keen to subject myself to unknown situations despite the low probability of any sort of difficulty arising due to my size. Though now that my weight is likely in the 260 range rather than the high 300’s, I still don’t feel comfortable visiting other people’s homes because I need control, and I don’t have it when I’m not in my own home.

Control has always been an issue for me and I have had very significant problems emotionally in any circumstance in which I feel acutely out of control. The thought of having to go to a government office to apply for something that I need but may be turned down for would stress me out for weeks before the appointed time. My sense of not having control over the approval process caused a great deal of anxiety for me. It may seem ironic that someone who needs control to such an unrealistic extent would live the majority of her life to date completely out of control with food, but I’m sure that these factors are linked in a way that is not yet clear to me. Perhaps there is only so much one’s psyche can expend energy on in terms of taking control, and food is where I have traditionally let myself be out of control. It may have been the release valve. It’s something that needs to percolate a bit longer before I figure out the connections.

I believe that most of my control issues are not the result of some biologically induced compulsion, but rather related to my upbringing. My father is an alcoholic. My mother has always had significant mood issues and was verbally abusive throughout my life. That home life coupled with the daily torment I received from everyone around me at school and in public because I was fat, instilled in me an intense need to have control in order to escape the suffering I experienced. Having control meant I wouldn’t be hurt. Not having it meant I was exceedingly vulnerable.

One of the things that I am vigilant about at this point in time is how many changes in lifestyle I take on as a result of my “improved” condition. That is, I am aware that being fatter than I am now served me well in many ways psychologically because it gave me the power to say “no” with excuses that could not be considered arbitrary or selfish. If I was in too much pain to walk somewhere, no one could blame me for not going. Now, the only reason not to go is that I simply do not want to, either because I prefer to do something else, or I have a need for control that is not really rational but not having it causes me stress nonetheless.

Since I, like many other people who have been fat all of their lives, believe others have the right to control me (since so many of them have tried through bullying, judging, pushing me to lose weight, etc.), it is hard for me to simply refuse because that is what I want to do. I think that part of what might compel me to stop losing weight or start regain is not asserting my needs and wishes actively and without guilt at this point in time. It is imperative that I refuse when I want to refuse regardless of the reason so that I don’t start to conclude that losing weight or being smaller is going to result in a loss of control for me over other parts of my life.

While I initially told my husband that I was open to visiting his coworker, who has visited us and is a lovely person to talk with, I changed my mind after pondering all of this. I know he is disappointed, but he understands the choice I have made and that I may have to continue to say “no” in the future. It’s something I have to do for myself as a means of giving myself the power that being fatter once gave me.

Doing Better :-)

The thing about eating more than you'd like to when you've had a life-long problem with overeating is that you can be filled with fear that you're perched on a sled at the top of a snowy mountain and that one day of eating more than necessary will be the tap that sends you sliding down. I've found that this sense of losing control is rapidly mitigated by just one day of getting back on your plan. It really doesn't take much success to help you feel that failure isn't going to become the norm.

This experience has taught me that one further emotional aspect to this which I need to work on is the sense that any lapse in control is the start of a "permanent" loss of control. It's not that such a fear is unfounded. If you've tried to get a handle on your eating and failed enough times, you've got a sound basis in personal history for doubting yourself. That being said, I have to realize that I am not the person who failed before. I'm the person who is succeeding now, and this person has chosen a path which was paved more solidly than the one who failed before.

The Empowering Lie

Back when I was more out of control with my eating than I currently am, I used to tell myself that I was making choices, not that I was out of control. If I ate ice cream because I was depressed, I told myself that did so by choice with the full knowledge that I was attempting to drown my pain in creamy deliciousness. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was bad for my health and would likely cause me to gain more weight (or at least sustain the fat I already had), but I chose to do it anyway.

I told myself that this type of behavior was me being in control of my eating. This is what I would call an “empowering lie”. By lying and saying I was in control, I felt like I had power. I’m not fat because I can’t fight my urges. I’m fat because I choose to be so. I can’t tell you how many times I told myself that I was choosing to “be bad” when I overate or ate poorly.

Of course, no one chooses to be fat. That’s where the rub is on this control scenario. Choosing to drown your pain in food or to act on cravings or compulsions is not you being in control unless you are embracing the full implication of the choice. We make the choice dismissing the consequences, denying them, or mentally mitigating their impact. The final one of those is the easiest to do if you’re already fat. You aren’t likely to make yourself look much worse, even with a few more pounds.

Here’s the bottom line. It’s not a choice if you only have one option. If you can’t say no or if you can’t resist your cravings or impulses, it’s not a choice between, “yes, I will eat poorly this time,” or “no, I will eat properly this time.” Saying that you choose “yes” the majority of the time isn’t a choice because you almost certainly can’t say “no”, at least not most of the time. You have to be capable of saying “no” for there to be a choice and to actually be in control.

The scary thing for me is that I’m unclear on how I made the transition from choosing to eat to choosing not to eat. I don’t know what process allows me to say “no” now and not before. This scares me more than I can express. If I don’t know how I got here this time (or last time), I don’t know how I’ll get back if I get lost.

To me, this is the turning point for all people who lose weight as compared to those who try and fail. The fact that the birth of this capacity to truly make a choice about what and how much you eat is hard to recreate, stimulate or induce is frightening. It’s the critical yet elusive element in weight loss success.

Tuesday: October 13, 2009 (late posting)

Today, I finally got around to working on my ever-lengthening pants. I had to take them up 3 inches in order to get them to the proper length again. I don't know how much flab used to hold up those pants, but I do find it encouraging. That being said, I hate hemming pants, especially since I have to do it by hand.

My first restricted Tuesday went quite well. I ended the day around 1390 even though I allowed myself up to 1500. It just ended up being all the food I needed. That being said, I'm not doing particularly well today (Wednesday). I'm not feeling very well and a blood vessel burst in my left eye. This is the second time this has happened this year and I feel stressed by that. I know what it happens, and it's no danger. I've been to a doctor about it before and it happens as you get older. It tends to happen to me more often if I rub my eyes a lot, and I've been rubbing them lately. I need to stop doing that.

At any rate, the stress I felt about this sent me eating two small pieces of a breakfast pumpkin quick bread that I made for my husband. The bread isn't too bad for you as it has no frosting and is made with half sugar and half Splenda to reduce the calories, but I'm sure there are more than enough calories in it to send today's total a bit on the high side. I'm more annoyed that I spent the calories on something which wasn't healthy. I should have had some fruit or vegetables rather than something relatively nutritionally suspect. I don't think I'll end up overeating, but I won't have made much progress.

I'm not going to beat myself up over this as there's no point. Short of sticking my finger down my throat, it's not like I can undo what has happened. I'll just have to try and do better next time I feel stressed.