Prejudice, in all its forms

When I lived abroad, people tended to make a lot of assumptions about me based on their generalizations or stereotypes about foreigners from America. I figured when I returned to the U.S., this would stop. However, it turned out that people are still making assumptions based on generalizations or stereotypes, they are just doing so with a different set of them.

Several weeks ago, I met an new acquaintance of my husband's at a coffee shop for the first time. At the early stage of our conversation, we were discussing size differences in beverages. The country I used to live in did not offer "venti" size drinks, but it did offer "short" ones. This talk about everything being bigger, including the spaces around the tables, in the U.S. prompted this new acquaintance to mention how large the people in America were. Clearly, she was referring to weight.

As a way of handling this somewhat derogatory remark, I mentioned that I felt American weight issues were largely linked to acculturation. We are acclimated to larger portions and find them natural and normal. My husband also pointed to his drink and said that it cost a mere 20 cents more to go from a large to a venti so you are economically encouraged to have more. We proceeded to discuss how the cost of food products is largely wrapped up in marketing, packaging, and sales and that the cost of the actual food you are consuming is such a small percentage that there is much more profit in getting you to fork over an extra dime or quarter for more food because of this.

This new acquaintance, who I actually really like and I was not offended by what she said at all, in large part because she accepted what I said about food and culture with a thoughtful mindset rather than a defensive one, made assumptions about me based on how she saw me as I am now. I'm fat, for sure, but she's also a little overweight. She was looking at me as a "normal fat" rather than an "abnormal fat" and had no idea that she was talking to someone who used to weigh 380 lbs. and who has lived most of her adult life over 300. If she had known, my guess is she never would have casually remarked about how large Americans are to me within the first 3 minutes of having met me.

It isn't only about weight that I've found people are reaching conclusions about me. My sister-in-law has had several conversations with me in which she's has taken to "educating" me about a variety of things which she has no experience with and that I have, shall we say, copious experience with. The absurdity of her telling me what it is like for people to grow up with an alcoholic parent, in poverty, or to be around seriously mentally ill was hysterically ridiculous.

It's as if she just can't hold the thoughts in her mind that I grew up incredibly poor, surrounded by dysfunction, worked with seriously mentally ill people, and with an alcoholic father when she looks at me. She simply can't reconcile whatever image she holds of the present me with a person who lived that life and takes to talking to me as if I were an idiot who can't possibly understand or empathize with the difficulties of the people she is talking about. I've literally had to repeat each of these points at least 3 times during various discussions to make her understand that I'm not some middle class entitled person (which, ironically, she is) who has landed on these shores after an exciting and privileged life abroad. I've worked hard, suffered greatly, and came from absolutely nothing.

The intransigence of the stereotypes and generalizations people form about another person based on present day limited knowledge is something I find very frustrating, especially since people instantly believe my life was an easy one. They see me as middle class economically (even though currently I have no income at all), educated, and out of touch with the difficulties of minorities and the poor. The idea of "white privilege" is all around me and people speak as if I have no idea what it is like to be a minority and to experience prejudice. They assume I don't know what it is like to be judged on sight, rejected based on skin color, or have doors closed to me based on ethnicity.

 I spent 23 years being gawked at, insulted, talked about, turned away, and having my opportunities severely limited because I was in a country where more than 99% of the people were not like me. I think I do have some idea what it is like to be part of a minority. What is more, I spent about 20 years of my life at home in America being marginalized because of my weight. I have always been part of an oppressed minority, at least up until now. But, people don't see that, and won't even believe it when I tell them, because they cannot break out of the thought box their generalizations about me lock them in.

I find that I was less frustrated by the prejudices I experienced abroad than the preconceived notions I experience back home. Part of the reason for that is that my former home abroad is not a country in which people are educated about prejudice and how not to act on it. Part of it is that I disconnected emotionally from those people as a survival mechanism and could do so because they saw me as outside and I could see myself that way. Here, the perceived inclusion is stifling because I'm in an individualistic culture which is fiercely intent on pigeonholing me as something other than an individual. Even when I assert clearly that I am not what people perceive me to be, they push back or refuse to see who I truly am in favor of their notions.

One of the sources of my depression has been a deep disappointment and frustration at how I am perceived and how I did not expect to have this sort of thing happen. While I did not expect people to look at me and assume I used to be much more overweight, I did expect them to at least be open-minded to the fact that I can't be sized up with little more than a look. People used to think I was a lazy, donut-scoffing pig before based merely on my looks. Now, they think I'm some easy-living, entitled, spoiled middle-aged white lady. Perhaps I was naive in thinking that losing weight would change the way people reach conclusions based on appearances. The cursory judgement didn't end. The conclusions people tend to reach just changed, and they're not really for the better in my experiences. They still diminish me. They still serve to elevate others at my expense. They still are shallow and self-serving.

A calorie is a calorie is a calorie, yes

When I read forums or comments about people wanting to lose weight, the most common complaint I hear is something to the effect of, 'I work out everyday and eat healthy food, and I lost a little weight, but I can't lose anymore.' The fact that people believe this type of behavior is enough to lose weight is a reflection on how the  media continues to fail people in regards to informing them on what makes us fat.

If you believe all of what you hear about fat people, you think that they all got that way stuffing their maws with fast food and junk food. You also think they are lazy and watching T.V. or playing video games all day. Here's the thing; you can get fat from any type of food, even healthy food. You can be fat if you are very active. Losing weight is far less about what you eat and do than about how much you eat. Period. You can be thin eating McDonald's everyday and sitting on your duff, and you can be fat eating vegetables, high fiber foods, and lean meat and running 5 miles a day.

The perception that all you have to do is be "good" also shows just how poorly educated people are about calories in general. That is, they think there is a relationship between the nutritive value of something and the caloric density. Oatmeal is good for you. Milk is good for you. If you make yourself a bowl of oatmeal with a half cup of dry oatmeal and a half cup of whole milk, the calories are going to come out to 282. If you happen to add some fruit to it, say just half a banana, you're going to boost that up to around 340 calories. If you add even a tablespoon of brown sugar (or honey) to make it more palatable, you're up to 390 calories. Congratulations! Your healthy breakfast now has almost the same number of calories as two Krispy Kreme original glazed donuts (400 calories). Even without the banana, and with skim milk, your oatmeal is the same number of calories as one donut, and your body is going to treat those calories the same when it comes to fat loss or storage. If you eat your healthy oatmeal and your skinny compatriot has one donut and a black coffee, she's going to be eating less than you.

Of course, you will probably feel sated longer with the oatmeal (probably, though frankly it doesn't work that way for me), and it is undeniably healthier for you as your body can take the fiber and other nutrients and use them to help with vital processes like healing, muscle-building, etc. However, my point isn't that the donuts are better for you or equal, but rather that in terms of weight loss, being "good" isn't going to help you lose weight unless you are very aware of the total number of calories you're consuming in healthy foods.

As long as the stereotype of fat people becoming fat is linked to excessive consumption of empty calories and sloth, people who want to lose weight are going to keep thinking that eating good food and exercising are all it takes to lose weight. It takes so much more than that, and it is cumbersome and fussy. You don't have to count calories, but you do have to reduce portions and be aware of how much you're eating with at least some vague idea of how many calories are involved rather than only concern yourself with what types of food you are eating. To me, this is yet another problem that results from people oversimplifying things. They want easy answers and easy advice, and having to weigh and measure your food, and count calories isn't easy.