A Number

I'm not sure precisely why, but I dug out the scale today and decided to weigh myself. It has been under the bed for a very long time, unused by both my husband and me. It was so dusty that a felt-like layer of dust obscured the entire surface of it. I couldn't tell if it was face-up or face-down under the bed or distinguish which side was totally dusted over until I cleaned it up.

Before I did it, I carefully considered the implications of whatever numbers came up and what sort of behavior or feelings this might set off. First of all, I had no expectations in regards to the numbers coming up low. In fact, since I don't know where I started (but am guessing I started somewhere between 350 and 400 lbs., with a likely number of around 380), I can't view it as an indication of how much I've lost. It's more about bookmarking where I am now and pondering how much further I have to go.

I explored the potential emotional impact of various outcomes. The scale tops out at 330 lbs. If I was heavier than the scale could measure, would I be sanguine about it? If I was lighter, would I be elated? Honestly, the only tiny hope I had was that I would be able to get a reading on the scale, but if I was heavier, so be it. I could live with the truth. And I didn't expect to be excited by whatever the number was going to be even if it was lower than hoped for.

I decided that I was going to put it right back under the bed after I was done, and that I was not going to weigh myself again for a very long time no matter what the numbers said. I still staunchly feel that it is a demotivating factor to track those numbers. I don't need the emotional roller coaster of feeling that I'm failing or succeeding based on something so arbitrary.

The number was 295. My response was very, very mild satisfaction. I had a small hope (as in not much emotion riding on it, not a low expectation) to be under 300 lbs., but I hadn't necessarily expected to be so. I also hadn't expected to be much lighter than that. I can see myself and I know I'm still very heavy. That being said, this confirms my speculation about various numbers based on observations. I'm right about where I thought I'd be. It also confirms that I was a lot closer to 400 lbs. when I started than I realized initially. I'm certain I've lost 80 lbs. by now, possibly a bit more.

Mainly, this provides me with a benchmark for the future. It also improves my sense that I will make my goal (150 lbs.) by my deadline of 2012. I have nearly two years to lose the next 145 lbs. Considering my progress thus far, and inevitable slow-down as I draw closer to the goal, I think things are going according to plan.