Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Chronicle of Life Changes as of This Date

There are a few changes I've noticed in my life that I'd like to note for my own continued motivation and progress report:
  • Back in June of 2009, I couldn't walk out the door without fear of pain striking me down in 5 minutes. That fear was always on my mind if I had to leave the house. Now, I walk out the front door without fear of not being able to walk. I still have some pain after about 40 minutes of walking, but I am no longer afraid of the possibility of having to walk or stand for an extended period of time. This lack of fear is very liberating and makes me feel more like the person I was before I gained so much weight that I was crippled.
  • I used to dread going shopping for groceries because of the pain I'd be in by the end of a trip. I'd always get a cart and lean a little on it to help get me through the chore. Also, my back was so bad that I couldn't carry a basket without the imbalance and added weight causing more back pain. Using the cart wasn't enough support, and I'd be in near agony by the time the check-out process was over, but it helped. Now, I'm actually enjoying shopping because I don't find myself in horrible pain by the end, like the exercise of walking around the store and to and from the shops, and lose myself in the experience of checking out products.
  • I used to dread going out in public because people would stare and point or laugh at me. They'd also say cruel things. This still happens, but I'm not so overwhelmed with misery that I notice as much. Now, I'm more wrapped up in the liberation I feel in being able to move better and walk. I find that what people do matters less when I'm not struggling against pain.
  • All of my clothes are baggy. Some are insanely so. This feels very good after mainly wearing clothes that were just fitting or a bit tight for so long. The bagginess makes me feel successful.
  • The 44D bras that I bought in early December that I could just squeeze into at that time (though they weren't uncomfortable despite being tight) are just starting to run a bit on the big side. I've had to change the straps from being at their longest possible length to being about half of their length. I can also see this size bra isn't holding my breasts up as high because it's getting looser.
  • I've noticed it's getting easier to navigate my body through narrow spaces. I'm still big, but I can sense that I'm not as big as before. Based on relative approximations, I'd say I've lost 6-8 inches off the widest part of my body (my belly and behind combined), and more off of my upper body.
  • A pair of white yoga pants that I bought some time ago but were too tight to be worn for a long time now fit very comfortable and appropriately loosely. A pair of blue, non-stretch pants that I wore about a decade ago after losing 40 lbs. or so during a stint in bed with a herniated disc can be worn, but they're still too tight in the belly and calves (but not the waist or thighs) to be comfortable sitting in. These pants are the next great measure of my going a significant step down in weight. When I can wear them, I'll know I've probably lost nearly half of the weight I had to lose from the start.
  • I have fewer bouts of extremely intense hunger during the day. It still occurs from time to time, but the overwhelming desire to eat around 4:00-6:00 pm has tempered. Perhaps I'm just planning better. I prefer to think my body has adapted to a new way of living.
  • I used to wake up earlier than my husband because I would feel too much pain in my back to continue lying down. Now, I sleep until the alarm goes off.
  • My husband can hug me more fully and I can wrap my arms around him more because I'm smaller. This feeling of being more completely enveloped and physically closer is very gratifying.
Some strange things have started to happen as of late which I didn't notice before. These aren't such good things, but my hands are so thin (really, quite normal-looking now and not the least bit fat) that I notice more profoundly when they swell up. A few days ago, I was out on an atypically warm winter day, and my hands really swelled up after walking around for about an hour. I think this was a response to the warmer weather as it hadn't happened before when I was out walking.

There are still some issues that I wish would go away such as morning stiffness and pain in my back, though it's not as intense, acute or frequent as it used to be. I also occasionally still have issues with my hands going numb because I lie on my side and some nerve in my back that leads to my hands is compressed. That used to happen nearly every night. Now, it only happens after I've walked nearly every day without a break for a week or when it's going to rain. I still find this very frustrating and will be happy when my back muscles don't have to support so much weight that this happens.


justjuliebean said...

Wow, that's a whole lot of NSVs! It must be so liberating to be able to exist and move about that much easier than before. Keep up what you're doing, it's working really well for you!

screaming fatgirl said...

Thanks, justjuliebean. I do feel a lot better now. It's helpful for my progress not to focus so much on how I look because I'd be pretty unhappy at this point (as I'm still huge). However, things are moving along really well and I'm quite pleased.

I must say that, if I can do this, anyone can. I started near 400 lbs. and barely able to walk. It was a lot of little steps (both in food changes and exercise) and I'm so much freer and stronger only about 8-9 months later.