It's not how you do it

This isn't the sort of blog in which I write about the details of my daily routine and weight loss, at least not anymore. It's not that I don't believe such things may be helpful to some people, but rather that I realized a long time ago that each person has to follow a different path in terms of the mechanics of what they do to manage their daily food and exercise routines. I mainly try to address the broader issues that affect the relationships that people, especially those with life-long problems and severe overeating or compulsive eating problems, have with food.

That being said, occasionally, I do pause to talk a bit about the smaller things. I do so mainly to offer a realistic portrait, track my own behavior more concretely for my own records, and to show people that I'm human, too. To that end, I want to talk about how things have been going since I went through the monumental changes I've been through in the past 3 or so months and where my relationship with food stands at present.

Left: now, right: about 25 years ago (not my lowest ever, but the pictures of my lowest ever aren't as well posed to display my body)

First of all, I've been looking at  old pictures of myself from 23-26 years ago when I initially lost a lot of weight and seeing my body at its thinnest. I never weighed myself at that time so I don't know what my  lowest weight was. However, I think that I am probably about 10-20 pounds heavier than I was at my absolute smallest ever, and I certainly didn't spend long at that weight. That weight was achieved at the height of my exercising (that's 90 minutes a day - 45 of aerobic and 45 calisthenics, 5 days a week). It was done by not eating any fat or sugar and eating a lot of whole grain carbs, low fat dairy (especially cheese), and fruit. I ate salads, but vegetables weren't as big a part of my life then as they are now (because I'm a better cook and have broader tastes). It was done in a way that was nearly impossible to sustain without devoting my life to my body, and that is why I regained.

The body I have now, which is slightly heavier, was achieved through the processes described in this blog. That is, moderation,  no limiting of sugar, fat, or any particular type of macro-nutrient (such as limiting carbs or whatnot). Because of physical difficulties and the bare basic facts of adult life (having to work and have time for relationships), I could not exercise beyond walking and modest weight lifting and stretching. In other words, my current body, which is very much like my hard-fought body of two and a half decades ago, was achieved with far less time spent daily on exercise, far less Draconian dietary changes, and a lot more mental effort than physical. The irony is that it was achieved in almost the same total time (in years), and beginning from a likely higher weight. Certainly, it was achieved with a less youthful metabolism.

Of course, my current body is far from ideal. I'm still technically obese. I'm still fatter than I'd like to be from the viewpoint of going out and looking for jobs, but at least I can move. I can go out and play Frisbee in the park with my husband (and I have!). I can walk without back pain. People aren't staring at me or making fun of me all of the time. I'd like to lose more weight and will continue on the path I'm on with moderation in all things. However, I have to accept that this may be where my set point is likely to stay.

When I say that, it is not an admission of defeat, but an acceptance of some real possibilities. First of all, I'm not in my early 20's anymore. The reason I'm holding my arm and making a muscle like that is so you can see all of my bat-winged glory. I've been working on building arm muscle for firmness slowly through the last 3 years and I have muscle definition in my upper arms, but I will never lose that extra skin. It has been stretched out and no longer has the elasticity to retract. The same goes for skin in all areas of my body, especially my lower belly, hips, and behind. There will always be a lot of excess skin, probably as much as 10 lbs. of it, on my body. I can live with this because I'm 47 years old and I would not subject my body to the mutilation of plastic surgery (cutting away healthy skin) for aesthetic reasons or to bring down a number on the scale. I also note that my waist is not as small as it got before, but that is the effect of gravity. I will never have the shape I had before. 

 Me at high school graduation.

Second, I have been obese my entire life. I was a fat child and finished my teens at a very high weight. The number of fat cells in my body is much higher than that of a person who was thin when younger and later gained weight. My body will deflate those cells, but it will never eliminate them. Fat cells, once added, are forever. This I have known for a long time. Having a high number of these cells causes fat bodies to be different (hormonally, neurochemcially, and likely more) than thin ones and that is the case forever.

In order to be appreciably thinner than I am now, there is a distinct possibility that I would have to devote my life to weight loss and only weight loss. I don't have the time, joints, or desire to become a slave to my body in this way. I'm in excellent health with no problems at all. There is no reason other than vanity to push so hard, and I'd rather be mentally healthy and fatter than obsessed and thinner. I do not want to be obsessed for the sake of acquiring a particular look and nothing more, but more than that, I want to live my life fully, not spend hours and hours pushing myself to exercise or fretting over whether I can eat anything at a social function because my diet options are so restricted.

My feeling right now is that I will continue to lose weight, but it will happen at a trickle over years. I think that it will be hard for my body to go lower, but it will slowly happen over time. It will probably be pretty inconsequential and only noted over a long period of time. It's also going to be very "up and down" based on having good days and bad ones through time. That's okay. I will just  stay the course and see where it leads.

The odd thing is that, though I'm not especially pleased with my body, I'd rather live in it as it is with the lifestyle I have than go back to the thinnest I ever managed with all of the time and effort I had to put into it. It's not ideal, but little in life is. I find more happiness in moderation and in not pushing myself to spend 90 minutes most days on hard exercise or depriving myself at every turn. If people want to judge me for that, then they're welcome to do so, but they can keep their thoughts to themselves because they're the only ones who are reflected in them and going to be affected by them. In fact, given all the talk about health and weight, anyone who does judge me negatively will endorse the fact that fat disapproval is about beauty, not health. My heart is in good shape. My insulin function excellent. I was thoroughly tested late last year, and I'm in better health than thinner people of the same age. 

The bottom line is that, looking back over my two great weight loss experiences in life, I ended up at almost the same place doing it two dramatically different ways. It doesn't seem to matter how you do it, as long as you keep doing it and keep moving in a particular direction. There is no one path for anyone, and sometimes, there's not even a single path for the same person.

Progress Report

I rarely do progress reports anymore because I'm not as concerned with progress in general. Yes, I still would like to lose more weight, but I know that I'm at a stage at which losing more weight is less important than continuing to tweak psychological issues with food. I'm in transition from what could be called "dieting" to "living normally with food." To that end, several weeks ago, I abandoned all food logging and calorie counting. It is progress along those lines that I'm going to talk about.

When I first gave up the counting, I often had a vague sense of "overeating" or feeling like I didn't know how much I was eating. Since I'd already slacked on logging a full days intake, this wasn't particularly acute. My main concern was that I'd slowly slip back into old habits and regain, not that I wouldn't lose. Again, I'd like to lose more, but in this transition phase, I'm more concerned with being able to feed myself at a maintenance level without tracking calories or food. Once I have this ability down, then I can attend more concretely to further loss of body fat.

Over the last several weeks, I can't say that I've markedly eaten differently, but I have noticed some bad habits that I had even when I was calorie counting and feel that I need to get rid of those. The  main problem is too much freestyle "grazing". This is something I had been working with before, but only in certain situations. That is, I was still comforting myself with food, but doing so with small portions such that I didn't impact weight gain or loss. I have been working effectively on not doing this because I'm tired, stressed, or anxious, but I have not been doing so well with it when I'm incidentally hungry.

What I mean by that that last part is that I will feel slightly hungry at times and decide to eat things rather than wait and eat in a consolidated manner. I well know from experience that eating when slightly hungry was a huge reason why I gained so much weight. I never knew true hunger because I never allowed my body to get there. I became incapable of tolerating true hunger because I never built up a tolerance. My incidental eating was something I saw as a road back to that sort of thing and I decided that I need to "tighten up" how I deal with food.

My approach as of yesterday was to eat incidentally if I wanted to (or "needed to"), but to make sure that I fully acknowledged the experience by plating everything I ate and carrying it to another place. There will be no more standing in the kitchen eating a piece of chocolate, a rice cracker, a few mini pretzels and a bit or two of cheese. If it isn't on a plate, I don't eat it, at least if I'm at home when I'm eating. 

I think that this grazing wasn't necessarily a slippery slope, though I acknowledge that it could have been. Mainly, I think that it would ultimately impede further weight loss. I weighed myself today and I remain at 80 kg. (176 lbs.) which is where I've been for awhile. I was actually pretty pleased with this as I hadn't gained any weight for my sloppy habits. Frankly, I have felt that I've been eating too much, particularly too many empty calories, and was concerned that I might end up gaining because of it. Fortunately, I did not, but clearly it's time to move on to some better habits. 

Yesterday, I ate five times. That was breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea time, and a later evening snack. I plated post-lunch tiny pieces of chocolate and a few cookies as well as dessert after dinner (half a small chocolate chip cupcake and strawberries). The late night snack was fruit, but I feel it was slightly indulgent. A lot of my extra eating since stopping strict counting has been eating after dinner and I know it's not absolutely necessary. It's just laziness about not putting up with being a little hungry at bedtime. Still, it's not that big a deal either, especially on the first day of tightening up my habits.

I want to write about these things more than I do, not because I believe such  mechanistic processes are so interesting, but because I want readers to know I'm not perfect and I still have work to do as well. It's not easy, though it's absolutely nowhere near as hard as it used to be. I don't know if I'll be struggling with this for the rest of my life, but I'm prepared for the possibility that I might have to. It's tiring.  It gets old, but looking back at pictures of me at my higher weight, I think it's absolutely worth it. 

Hops, Skips and Jumps

Anyone who has read even a smattering of posts on this blog knows that I don't weigh myself often, and, indeed, did not weigh myself at all for a very long time after changing my life and myself. These days, I weigh myself once a month because progress has become impossible to measure from visual or environmental indications alone. This is part of what happens as your weight goes lower and I knew that even back when I first started.

I usually weigh myself at the beginning or end of the month, give or take a few days. I always ask myself before I step on the scale if whatever number comes up, be it a little higher or a little lower, is going to frustrate or upset me. If the answer is "yes", then I don't weigh myself. The answer these days is always "no", it will not bother me.

I don't blog often about the numbers, because they are secondary to the changes themselves. If you are newish to this blog, then you may not know that I make behavioral and psychological changes my goals, not numbers or dress sizes. The numbers only ensure that my psychology and behavior are where they need to be for continued progress. They tell me if I'm going far enough, or too far too fast. They don't tell me what to think, feel, or do, however.

Last time I weighed myself, my weight had taken a pretty big drop down to 186 lbs. The time I weighed myself after that, it had "gone back up" to 191 lbs. The truth is, and I'm writing about this because I want to stress this point strongly to anyone who is struggling with weight issues, I didn't lose as much as I appeared to the first time nor did I gain any the second time. The numbers are affected by a lot of things - whether or not I have defecated or urinated recently, whether or not I have eaten and what I have eaten, the time of day, the time of month, the amount of water I have drunk, the temperature of the room and how much exercise I've been getting in. The sensitivity of the scale may also factor into it.

When I went "up" after a month, I wasn't distressed because I knew the numbers weren't a reflection of a setback or lack of progress. One of the useful things about making behavior and psychology the goal is that the outcome is a natural consequence, not the end-all and be-all. I know what I do and I know what will happen if I keep doing it. And I weighed myself today because I had noticed a physical change which looked like I'd experienced a change in size. My weight was 182 lbs. Of course, this number is also not accurate, and I may see some other fluctuation next month, but that's okay. It's worth noting that I am now just a few pounds short of having lost 200 lbs. Also, at 174 lbs., I will magically go from "obese" to "overweight". I'm not sure if my body can tell the difference between now and 8 lbs. less from now, but I'm sure a doctor will think it's a big deal.

My current body, in a big shirt, but pants that actually fit. You can see how most of my weight is down on the bottom. Those lumps in the middle aren't love handles. It's the shirt bagging out. I actually have a much smaller waist than can be seen here.

Sometimes I look at my body and just ache to get to the end of this, not because I'm itching to stuff myself with food again. I know that I'm only two or three glasses of milk away from the calorie level at which I might be eating for the rest of my life. I'm anxious simply to be seen as "normal" and to not have any concerns that I'm being judged by my weight. And I still am judged by my body size. What is more, I'm anxious to go to a doctor and have him listen to my symptoms rather than dismiss everything based only on body size. The latter is something which I will face soon as I'm going to have a full check-up in September.

This will be for the first time in many, many years that I will do such a thing. I put it off because I didn't want to face the prejudice, but now, I'm old enough to face the fear and judgement in the interest of knowing where I stand physically. Frankly, I'm not especially worried about the outcome. My guess is that my numbers will look pretty good because my lifestyle habits are pretty good with regular (non-strenuous) exercise and very balanced nutrition. That isn't to say I still don't eat a cookie or a bit of chocolate everyday, but just that I don't think a bite of such things here and there sink the health ship.

Part of me is almost keen to get tested to see if a bunch of machines will tell me I'm as okay as I think I should be. Perhaps I'm fooling myself though. Perhaps all of this weight loss hasn't done anything for me and good eating and regular exercise aren't what they're cracked up to be. It wouldn't be the first time in my life that I did everything "right" and ended up somehow being "wrong" at the end, but I can hope.

Pushing Ahead

A few posts back, I wrote about how I was ready to place myself at the mercy of a food schedule which was not of my choosing by applying for a job. There was another dimension to this as well, and that was actually having enough confidence to go to a job interview. I had the luxury of not having to get the job for financial reasons. If I was not hired, it would not be the end of the world so I could go into it with less stress about what was riding on it economically.

The job, which is only part-time and two days a week, would force me to eat in a very different pattern than I have become accustomed to, including a very long delay for dinner. In essence, I would have 14 hours between waking and my last food intake of the day. This is the challenge I wanted to face and while I could schedule things this way of my own volition, I felt that surrendering control was a very important aspect of this. It turned out that I got the job, and yesterday was my first day in this situation.

Things went smoothly, though the schedule isn't as rigid or extreme as its going to be eventually. I was very hungry by the end of the time, and there was a longer gap between a snack and dinner, but I didn't ruminate on food or feel it necessary to dive into a pile of food when I got home. In fact, though I was very hungry, I ate a reasonable portion and didn't feel compelled to dive into the refrigerator and start cramming stuff in my mouth. I set up the meal at a leisurely pace. The only "problem" was that I felt strange all night because I went to bed feeling fairy "full" (definitely well-sated) and had sleeping problems as a result. I'm accustomed to going to bed with a fairly empty stomach.

Beyond this challenge, which I don't view as over but as a first hurdle that has been cleared, this experience has highlighted something which I have noticed more and more as time goes by. That is, the lack of a response to my weight. For years, when I walked into the room, eyes lingered on my body and faces registered negative reactions. It still catches me off-guard when people see me and don't react as if the Loch Ness monster had suddenly revealed itself before their eyes. During the interview and the initial visit to the workplace, people just treated me like a normal human being. Even though I'm still fat, it's not enough to set off the "whoa, look at that freak" alarms now.

I've mentioned before that a lot of people who lose weight discount the notion that they are treated better for being smaller. They attribute it to changes in their demeanor and confidence levels. I've also said before that that's a steaming pile of crap and nothing I have experienced has dissuaded me from that opinion. The world is a far less hostile place when you're not big and an increasingly friendlier place as you approach an average or "normal" weight. The silent judging mellows out (or stops) and the reactions that are animated enough to let you know how they feel but not enough to allow you to call them on it disappear. The titters, the sotto voice comments, and the overt mockery stops once you reach a certain point.

While I am greatly relieved to be spared the emotional pain of these actions, I'm also disgusted that this is the reality of life. I'm the same person as I was before. In fact, in many ways, my eating habits are "worse" because I allow myself to eat food openly that I never ate in private before (like cake). I buy donuts for breakfast once a fortnight or so. I engage in more overt "fat person" behavior now than ever, but now I'm not regarded with disgust for it. That means that the judging was never about my actions or who I was, but only about my appearance. It was about inferring who I was based on my body, not who I actually was.

Being aware of this change in dynamic is important to me on several levels. First of all, I think it's easy to respond to this change rebelliously and believe that one should just go ahead and be as fat as one wants as a way of thumbing ones nose at the prejudice and damn the consequences. In essence, the shallowness should be met with contemptuous defiance. The other reason is that it's all too easy to be treated with greater value (that is, to have neutral rather than negative value) at a smaller size and to start to incorporate this into ones worldview. If people treat you better at a lower weight, then perhaps you, too, may embrace the notion that they are correct and that weight is indeed a reflection of a person's value. This is a trap I see people who have lost weight fall into all too often, only to regain their lost weight eventually and come out with even more intense self-loathing than ever.

At the moment, I feel quite good where I am, and am content to continue on as I have with no modifications to the way in which I'm carrying on aside from those forced on me by the work I've taken on. The challenges now are in pushing ahead into a greater range of "normal" living and to ease myself into doing the types of things "normal" people do without my old fears holding me back. My fear vanishing isn't related to the behavior of others, but rather my own ability to increasingly manage my issues psychologically. I have confidence bred from two years of re-shaping my life one small change at a time. The reactions of others only serve to confirm their judgment, not the rightness of what I do.

So far, I've crossed over quite a few goal posts in a move to being "normal". I've started to eat out at restaurants regularly (once every one or two weeks), broken out of my rigid eating scheduling and become more flexible about when and what I eat, gone on a job interview and exposed myself to new people and uncertainty. All of this occurs while still operating at a modest caloric deficit and not having a set exercise schedule, but trying to just make sure I walk everyday. In fact, due to my back injury a few months ago, I have cut back on exercise for fear of bringing on another incident. And, I'm still losing weight at an expected and moderate pace.

I don't want to diminish in any way how hard this has been. It isn't very hard now, but the road to this point has been long and tortured at times. However, I'm gratified that it has been a unique path, and that the road has gotten easier as time has gone by. One of the hardest things about this all along has been not knowing if it was going to "work" since I haven't done what most people do. Stomping down your own path with people warning you that it's a road to nowhere isn't as easy as jumping on a bandwagon.

Many people are all too fond of saying, "you will fail" because you aren't doing what they feel is "right" or of value to them. Can you succeed with temptation at every turn? Can you vanquish your psychological demons and discover that the biological ones will come to heel as a result? Can you eat like a "normal" person and still lose weight? Well, the answer for me has been, yes, I can, and I'm not smug about it nor do I believe what I have done and am doing is right for anyone but me...

But, sweet peaceful Buddha, I'm so insanely glad this is where I'm headed rather than being on the road to food-, weight- and exercise-obsessed "sainthood". I have more peace in my life now than ever and it has nothing to do with the number on the scale or what I put in my mouth. The relief I feel about this is more profound than anything and I wouldn't trade this feeling for the perfect body or for large amounts of cold hard cash. So many years of my life have been spent in a state of pure psychological torture over food and I can see that those whips and chains are close to being put away forever.

End Game

Four and a half months ago, I walked away from this blog because I knew that it had pretty much fulfilled its role. I had all of my behaviors in place, and I knew things were going to continue apace. That being said, a few things have changed, and though I have no intention of making this a regularly active blog again, I do want to record progress occasionally for my own record as well as for those kind folks who may still come back here on occasion.

First of all, I've absolutely continued along the same path. In fact, it has gotten so routine as to nearly be no struggle at all to eat such that I continue to lose weight (generally 1500 calories, sometimes a bit more or a bit less). All of my talk about being "cured"? It's still true. I don't obsess over food, don't eat like a food puritan, blah, blah, blah (the blog details all of this so I won't repeat it all here). All of the stuff that was in place when I walked away is still working for me.

At this point in time, I feel like I'm entering what I'm calling the "end game" of this process. When I started, I had 230 lbs. to lose. Now, I've got about 53 to go. That means I've lost a bit more than 3/4 of what I want to lose, and have absolutely no concerns about where I'll head from here because my psychological toolkit is very effective.

My progress has continued in these ways:

• I am now capable of walking for very long periods of time without pain or difficulty (literally - up to 4 hours). This compares to not being able to go 3 minutes without pain in June 2009.
• I can finally zip up my winter coat.
• I can feel all sorts of bones I never thought about the existence of. And, no, it's not necessarily a good feeling, but I guess it means something in terms of my progress.
• I rarely binge, and never binge over 2500 calories on those rare occasions when I do. The idea of a true "binge" is psychologically out of my radar range right now.
• I rarely stress eat, and when I do, I'm aware of it and have a method for "managing" it by choosing to set aside some calories to eat because of stress. Usually, I'll eat a banana or orange, but occasionally I'll allow a small treat (usually a serving of mini pretzels). Do I think this is bad? No. Stress eating is what all creatures do. The problem isn't eating when stressed. The problem is overeating, and I don't.
• I hurt my back (and it hurt like hell), and ate the same way as I have been for the past year and 7 months. In the past, illness or injury provided a good reason to indulge to comfort myself for my pain. The idea that I "deserved" to indulge or that it would be okay to do so never even crossed my mind. I spent my convalescence reading, not eating. This was a huge psychological change from my past responses.
• I've fully come to terms with and have no problems with having to eat less than others to maintain a healthy weight. All of that envy and resentment fat people feel at skinny people who stuff their maws and never pay a price? It's gone completely. What other people do and the price they pay has no relationship to what I have to do or the price I pay. It's not fair, but then again many things in life are not.
• On the TMI front, my sex life is greatly improved as my body is not the obstacle it once was.
• My mother gave me a huge quantity of underpants about 18 years ago (yes, that long ago) which were too small for me even then. They were brand new and I put them in a box and shoved them into the back of storage. They now fit me perfectly to "slightly big". 

One "bad" change is the return of a problem I used to have when I first lost weight (while I was still in college and several years after) and that is incredibly bad pre-period cramping accompanied with nausea, weakness, hot and cold flashes, and sweating. I'm not talking about discomfort  or localized pain, but rather a full scale hormonal assault that renders one incapable of doing pretty much anything. I assume this has returned now because my hormonal balance has changed as a result of weight loss. I used to have these horrible experiences in my early 20's and they vanished when I started to regain weight. Now, it has returned and it's unbearably awful. It's so intense at the outset that I feel like I might faint. For about 40 minutes, I feel like I'm going to die. So, as I have noted in some other posts, not all changes related to weight loss are positive.

The main change that I've realized is still necessary is that I need to consolidate my identity issues and how I spend my thinking time. I kept a toe into the weight loss world and that allowed me to be progressively dragged back in more and more. In terms of the way in which I spent my thinking time, there was a person I was before I started changing my relationship with food. That is the person I need to be again minus the overeating and weight.

I have, in some cases reluctantly, severed all of my links and feeds to anything related to weight or diet. I'm reluctant because I have to abandon some very nice people whose blogs I enjoyed immensely. I've said before that, at the end of all of this, I don't want to be the person who is involved in weight loss culture, thinks about dieting, etc. I want to just be a normal person who spends time doing creative things, learning new information, etc. and doesn't obsess on or think about body images or food. Such things should warrant only sufficient attention as is required to maintain my health and not one bit more.

Clearly, I cannot be mentally unengaged in such things as long as I do things which mentally engage me in them. My mind spins on a topic too much (as is its nature) to keep my thoughts about such matters discrete and contained. The only way to break this is to cut the cord completely. Aside from the occasional update here to track my changes (again, I do this for me mostly), I have no plans to talk about weight unless it is an incidental thing on a blog which is devoted to broader topics that just so happens to discuss weight loss. I want to encounter the topic naturally (like in a New York Times article or on the PLoS blogs), not by specifically seeking it out.

My purposeful involvement in the weight loss world must end if I do not want to risk becoming one of those one-dimensional people who live only to service their bodies and to tell other people how to do the same. It is perhaps a specific weakness of mine that I can't moderate my approach, but I think that this is what needs to be done in order to continue along the path toward being "normal" that I am so happy to be treading. It isn't enough to lose the weight and eat healthily. I also do not want to be obsessive or preoccupied, and this is how that must be done in my particular case.

The end game is less about dropping the last 53 lbs. than it is about this continued mental change. If I reach the end of this without being pulled back into the culture and having lost the weight, I'll have considered this particular game finished and truly won.

For the record, my weight as of today is 203 lbs. and I started at 380.

(Another) Progress Report Quasi-Pep Talk

I haven't been doing these very often because my thoughts don't tend to turn to physical progress as often as they once did. I tend to be more focused on mental progress since that feels more meaningful to me. It's not that the physical progress isn't important. It's actually very important, but one leads to the other and the mental changes have had a more profound effect on my overall quality of life at this point.

I have mentioned before that my weight loss feels like a Russian doll effect. I am getting smaller, but my shape is generally the same. This is sometimes discouraging because my lower body is so disproportionate relative to my upper body and I wish my belly and behind would shrink more visibly.

Part of what has persuaded me to make this post is that I think my stomach finally is changing. The reason that I'm so keen on my stomach changing is that it is such a focal point for unwanted attention from strangers and even business acquaintances. Sometimes I'm sitting across from a person I deal with in my work, and their eyes drift down and gawk at my belly. Sometimes their eyes dart down to it repeatedly. It makes me very self-conscious that people break eye contact during conversations to look at my stomach, and they are in a "client" position so I can't really call them on it.

Here is the progress I have noticed:

• The old chair with arms which has been my measuring stick for so long continues to offer feedback. When I started, I squeezed into it with difficulty, couldn't use the armrests, etc. Now, I can sit in it comfortably and can fit one of my arms between my body and the chair's arms.
• The shape of my hips and lower body has changed because my stomach is finally starting so show some "lift". It still hangs down plenty, but it's definitely getting visibly smaller.
• I can see more of my upper thighs than I have seen in years, both on the sides and at the top. I may actually be developing a bit of a lap.
• My breasts are getting smaller. Since I'm a "D" cup now and would like to be back to a "C" (my smallest bra size as an adult), that makes me happy.
• Veins are starting to show on the sides of my wrists and my forearms are pretty much "normal" looking and not fat at all. My upper arms are another story, but I don't think I'll ever be rid of batwings, and I'm not really too preoccupied with that.
• My collar bones are visible and my shoulders are taking on definition.
• My upper calves are noticeably smaller. My upper calves have always been huge, even when I wasn't all that overweight. At my highest weight, they were like volley balls attached to the base of my knee. They're still big, but not nearly as big as before.
• My double-chin continues to shrink at a slow rate, though it is still a little wrinkly which I'm not a fan of.
• I can feel that there is less fat in my cheeks because the space where the creases leading to my nose is bigger. It's easier to clean pores at the sides of my nose now.
• I notice that it is easier to sit with my legs together and that when I sit in our tiny (very tiny) toilet, I don't need to use the entire space to spread my legs apart when going to the bathroom.
• Post bathing powdering of parts of my body that rub together requires less powder. There's less "acreage" to cover.
• When I shower, I notice that my belly button isn't as "deep" when I clean it. Also, when I sit with my hands resting on my stomach, I notice that my belly button is higher.
• It's easier to touch type because my stomach isn't getting in the way as much.
• I use an armless chair, and I used to take up the entire space and possibly hang over the sides a bit. Now, there is a little room on the sides.
• I negotiate narrow spaces in shops more easily and feel less inhibited about trying to squeeze into them. There was a shop I had been wanting to go into for some time, but the layout was very narrow (keep in mind, I'm in an urban area where the shops are smaller and shopkeepers try to maximize stock space by making narrow aisles). I avoided going in because I didn't want to be knocking things over or totally blocking the aisle such that others couldn't pass by. I finally went into that shop, and everything was okay.

I'm still not incredibly confident about my ability to go out and just do anything. I still don't think I can fit into theater seats, restaurant chairs, or negotiate any space at my current body size. I also wouldn't go on an airplane right now. If I were less pear-shaped, this might not be an issue, but my lower body is just too big.

Last time I weighed myself (not too terribly recently, but not too long ago either), I weighed 249 lbs. It's interesting to consider all of the possible perspectives on this. I started around 380 lbs. by my rough calculations. That means I've lost 35% of my body's weight at its highest point and am roughly 2/3 the size I once was.

I'm also currently only about 19 lbs. heavier than my husband's highest recorded weight. That's probably the smallest difference between his and my weight ever as I have always out-weighed him, though it's important to note that I'm still 50 lbs. heavier than his current weight as he has been losing weight over the past several months as well. It would be nice to one day not be heavier than my husband, though the truth is that our body frames and sizes are roughly similar. His feet and hands are almost the same size as mine, though he is 5 inches taller than me. His frame is on the smaller side, and mine is on the bigger side.

I once talked about the percentages in a post and how each pound lost becomes more meaningful than the last because the ratios keep getting "better". That is, losing 1/380th of my weight is smaller than 1/249th of my weight. Each pound is more meaningful than the last. However, I'm still more interested in mental progress because I feel that on a daily basis, it really has been more profound. Each pound still is not something that I can see as an external change on a daily basis, but I can feel the lack of obsession with food and the lack of struggle on the inside every single day.

Early Fruit

This is an exciting time for me in my weight loss progress on several fronts. In fact, it's the first time that I've actually felt anything approaching "excitement", and that's probably because a lot of the past year has been equivalent to planting psychological and life habit change "seeds" and hoping they'll grow into what I want them to be. I think that I'm finally seeing the saplings grow the first buds of actual fruit. And I'm not just talking about the usual list of NSV (non-scale victories) like fitting into a chair or not being in pain when I walk. There is much more going on at this point in time. It's deeper and more meaningful for my future lifestyle.

I realize that at this weight (likely just under 260), I will finally be within a (relative) stone's throw of a change in appearance that approaches "normality" in such a way that people will stop gawking excessively and openly speaking poorly of me. I'll still be fat by the end of this year, but not in a way which gets me treated like a complete freak. This has been something that has been so far in my future throughout most of this that I couldn't even come close to seeing that particular light near the end of the tunnel.

What is more exciting to me at this stage is that the death grip over my life that food has held is loosening noticeably. All of the psychological and behavioral work I've been doing is paying off. In the past month, I have found it easier to not eat when I have the impulse to do so for whatever reason that I do not want to eat. Food "calls" to me much more softly and it's easier to ignore its siren song.

I also do not think constantly about food or weight loss. I spend my time absorbed in other activities. Food concerns probably still occupy more of my thought processes than the average person who is not on a weight loss plan or who doesn't have a weight problem, but it has definitely diminished by at least 70% compared to a year ago. I rarely spent an hour without ruminating on food when I started (unless I was completely preoccupied, and even then sometimes I'd drift away to what I wanted to eat, would eat, or had to cook). Now, I can go several hours without thinking about food or food planning between meals or activities which are essential to meal-related tasks.

Beyond that, I have noticed that it has stopped being the case that I approach my calorie goals as something I purposefully buck up against. In the past, if I was allowed 1500 calories for a given day, I would eat up to the limit because I wanted to cram in something enjoyable or because I was so hungry I wanted to eat every bit I could and still meet my goals. As of late, I don't eat up to the limit if I'm not truly hungry.

In essence, I've moved from always eating as much as I can because I can to eating what I want only when I want most of the time, and I don't resent it or feel deprived when I choose not to eat as many calories as I could. There's no psychological residue associated with these acts. It's simply me acting more in accord with physical rather than psychological need.

Early on in my "mindful eating" efforts when I was eating treats, I would have to fight the compulsion to have another if I could afford the calories. I succeeded about 75% of the time back then, but now I find that I simply do not have the desire for "seconds" at all, let alone have to fight any urges to have more because "I can afford the calories." At least at this point in time, I seem to be enjoying the results of full internalization of the practices of mindful eating.

I also find that I trust myself around food almost completely. That is, if I'm around tasty food, I don't worry that I'll weaken and eat it or overeat it. I feel very much in control over food at this stage, though certainly not in an obsessive or fanatical way. If I want a taste of cheese, I'll have a small slice which is between a quarter and half ounce. I have no worries that I'll want to start slicing off more and more to gobble more down.

I think that the psychological work I'm doing has really helped bring me to this point, but I also think that my physiology may have finally made a certain shift as well. I think the year-long process of smaller portions has finally "trained" my body's organs and cells to a state where they no longer anticipate and demand being overfed. It could also be that, at a weight which is 2/3 of my starting weight, my energy demands have scaled back such that the desire for food is less insistent biologically. I can't say for sure, but I think I'm currently enjoying the culmination of all of my efforts in a very concrete way.

This is absolutely the first time in my life that I have felt like this. I have no food guilt. I can eat any food I want, and I never feel deprived. The best part is that horrible "pull" to eat and that feeling of a lack of control seems to have greatly faded away. I'm not quite prepared to say it's all better now or that everything has been resolved because I don't want to get ahead of myself, but, for the moment, I feel quite liberated. And, yes, I'm excited.

Progress Report and Another Number

It was approximately a year ago today that I decided to lose weight. It was when I started scaling portions, not when I started counting calories. Around mid-June of last year is the anniversary of a decision and the start of a process (detailed on the right as "my plan") which ended up landing me where I am today both in terms of lifestyle habits and weight loss.

The plan evolved naturally. I never set out to do what I have done in terms of the details that I've written about. I just took it day by day and week by week and pushed the boundaries of what I could manage as time went by. I think it ended up being a good plan, though perhaps only a good one for me and me alone.

Because the anniversary of that decision was around a year ago, I weighed myself again for the 4th time total in one year. I didn't weigh myself at the beginning because I was afraid that the daunting nature of what I was to face would be reflected in that scarily high number. Besides, my scale only goes up to 330 lbs. and I knew it wasn't going to be able to give me a reading. I'm pretty sure I weighed between 360 and 380, almost certainly closer to the big number than the smaller one. Today I weighed almost exactly 260 lbs. That represents weight loss commensurate with my rough goals to lose about 2 lbs. a week. I'm pretty sure I've lost about 120 lbs in this first year.

I haven't had as easy a time tracking my progress via NSVs (non-scale victories) lately because the changes are less profound as time goes by regardless of actual weight loss numbers. When you start out unable to walk without excruciating pain for even 5 minutes, being able to walk for a half hour without pain is profound. Now, I can walk for an hour without back pain, but it doesn't feel much more significant than doing so for 45 minutes. I focus on NSVs over lbs. lost most of the time because I think these are meaningful measures of improved quality of life rather than arbitrary, objective measures which really have no bearing on the positive outcome of weight loss.

Here are the things I've noticed:

• The venerable office chair with arms which I had to squeeze myself into a year ago and which I could not even use the armrests on because my arms were perched on top of my middle spare tire, now is a comfortable fit. I can use all of the armrests and I can fit one of my arms between me and the armrests. That means I not only don't have to squeeze in, but have room to spare.
• A yellow nightgown that I used to squeeze in and stretch to wear at my highest weight now hangs loosely from me (especially around my chest) and is now long enough that my behind and belly aren't constantly threatening to peak out when I wear it. It is currently the only nightgown I have which comes close to fitting properly. My old ones are always falling off my shoulders like Greek or Roman gowns. 
• My sandals became too big. I had to tighten the straps on them to the smallest size (two more holes tighter) because they were threatening to fly off my feet with every step.
• Some T-shirts that my husband bought for me about a decade ago but were too tight to comfortably wear now fit or are loose. One of these shirts, the smallest of the bunch, is the only shirt I currently own which properly "fits" me.
• I ruminate on food less than when I started this and I get hungry less often than before, though I still have days in which I may eat up to a maintenance number of calories when I'm stressed or have strong cravings. I haven't binged and overeaten in quite some time. I have some confidence that I can do this "forever" and still maintain a healthy weight even incorporating days when I eat more due to stress or other problems since I don't go over 2000 calories even with stress eating. My mental relationship with food is starting to "normalize" in that I don't fantasize about it, think about it or obsess over it as much while still being aware of portions and calories. It is far from "normal", but it is much better than it was in every respect.
• I can nearly, but not quite, squeeze into a size 38C bra that I have. My breasts are way too big for the C cup, but the width of my chest is pretty close. If I were to guess my actual bra size right now, I'd say it's close to or at a 40D. Currently, I'm still making do with 44D bras, but they continue to loosen up. 

At this point in time, I'm mainly interested in the psychology of the process rather than the processes which actually lead to losing pounds. I feel I have a solid grasp of what I have to do and a slightly shakier grasp of carrying out those processes everyday, though likely no more or less shaky than the "average" person who sometimes eats more than they should or things they should not. At this point in time, a "binge" for me tends to mean one cookie or one piece of chocolate more than I can eat on my plan. It never means a whole bag of something or a huge volume of food.

My concerns right now are identity building. I'm focusing my days and my time on pursuing interests which are unrelated to weight or weight loss. Mainly, I'm actively thinking about who I am now and who I want to be and divorcing myself of the concept of being the disgusting fat person. This is a slow process which mainly includes active pursuit of my interests and work (sometimes pushing myself to preoccupy myself with them even when I don't feel like doing so as a means of stopping my mind from wandering back to consuming food as a fill in habit) as well as having the occasional "conversation" with myself about who I really am and what needs to be done to pave the road to being who I want to be.

I am careful at this stage not to define myself in any way related to food or exercise. I am not the person who eats healthily. I am not the person who can control her food intake. I am not the person who exercises regularly or lifts weights. I am a person who does those things, but they are not me and I do not ruminate on them or pay undue attention to them. They get as much attention as they require. They are like washing dishes or doing laundry, things I do because they need to be done, but they do not define me in any way. I am not my beauty or appearance. I am not my clothing size. I don't even know my clothing size, and I do not care.

I am defined by my intellect, my ability and practice of writing, my job, my ability to be frugal and live a modest lifestyle, my emotional control, my love for my husband and those around me, and my compassion and insight. I am my humor and my rapport with my friends and coworkers. I am even a person who likes to cook and prepare interesting meals because that actually has nothing to do with weight. I am my conversational ability and my pursuit of psychology and science. I am a reader and a person who likes goofy old television shows and melodramatic old movies. And, I'm more than that.

I'm laying this all out here both to demonstrate what the process means and to remember what I'm endeavoring to do. I think that there was a person I was who got lost as I became more and more miserable because of my weight and the responses it elicited from others. I need to reconnect with what I lost and fill in the empty places with a positive identity. I think that is the important part to focus on at this time as I continue to make my way through this process. I want to come out whole on the other side, not defined by my body or ability to control my food and exercise.

One down, one to go

Recently my husband noted another "jump" in the change of my appearance. It really does seem that a month or so goes by and nothing has really happened, but then suddenly there's some noticeable change. Yesterday, he told me that my breasts "stuck out" more than my stomach, and noted that it has been quite some time since that was the case. Of course, they only do this when I stand. When I sit, my belly apron still remains the victor by a mile at this point. He said that my stomach also seems to look "flatter". What he means by that is the bulgy rings have had some of the air let out of their tires and aren't protruding as much, not that my stomach is in any way flat.

I also noticed that the little double bumps of fat on the inside of my upper arms (just behind the elbow) have started to disappear. I've also noticed that I can rest both arms on the arm rests near the back of the only chair with arms in our home whereas before I could rest one arm by turning sideways or both arms near the front of the armrests. I can also reach my arms around behind my back more easily.

Also, I have found that I can feel my hip bones much better when I'm lying on my side in bed, and a few days ago I could actually feel my ribs under my breasts (this is the smallest part of my body - within 4-5 inches of being within the range of what people would consider "normal" chest size for someone with my bone structure). I've also noticed that the 44 D bras that I bought are starting to become rather loose. They keep riding up because they don't fit snugly enough around my chest and the bra straps are at their smallest extension. I'm still hoping to stick with these bras for another several months. Frankly, I was hoping they'd do the job until I reached the long-neglected 38C that I have in my closet, but I'm thinking that may be too big a leap.

One thing I realized a few weeks ago is that I have been carrying around the weight of 3 women for quite some time. My poor body has been burdened with the equivalent of carrying two more people on my back for many years. Now, at around 270, it's carrying only two people's weight and it is much easier to move around than before. If I think of it like having someone riding piggyback on me at all times, it feels devastatingly hard to live life like that. It's no wonder I have had such terrible back pain.

At this point in time, I've lost about 1/3 of my total body weight since starting and I have lost about 1/2 of the weight that I need to lose (with a goal weight of 150). The weight of one person is down, and there is one to go.

••••••••••••••

In order to make sure that my progress remains on track, I've tightened up my eating habits a bit. I used to have a goal of 1600 calories, but I knew I'd nibble here and there and add in another 100 calories. Mainly, this "nibbling" was a hard candy here and there (about 10 calories per candy), particularly the odd throat drop as I tend to have a sore throat because I talk a lot in my work. I'd also have a little milk in my tea, the odd lone pretzel  or cracker, etc. It wasn't much, but I'm thinking as I edge closer to 250 lbs., I should try to top out at 1600 rather than 1700-1800. To that end, I've capped my calories at 1500 so that these nibbles (which I am not prepared to surrender) will take the number up to 1600 at most. I am always aware of the cumulative nature of these small indulgences, and never go too far or have too many of them.

The reason I'm not prepared to give them up is that I will not live without some sort of spontaneity in my eating or life. If I crave a sweet, or a cup of tea, I'm not going to deprive myself over a few calories here and there. I think that these are actually "release valves" that help me not feel as though I'm trapped by my style of eating. Without the chance to have a quick sweet, a milky cup of tea, etc., I think I start to feel as if I were doing little but toe the line and possibly feel like I was "suffering".

Another Progress Pep Talk

Lately, I've been noticing some more changes to my body which indicate progress being made. Some of this comes under the heading of "too much information", so squeamish sorts may want to bow out before they reach the end (I'll issue a warning when the time comes). Nonetheless, if this is to be a record of all of the way weight loss is going for me, and improvements I'm experiencing, I want to be relatively thorough.

The biggest thing I've noticed physically is that there has been a profound change in the way in which I perceive the "layout" of my fat. The way I'm saying it makes it sound bad, but it's actually a good thing. In the past, my belly felt like a tire that went all the way around my body, and it still is a bit like that, but lately I've had more of a sense of it hanging mainly from the front of my body. This means my stomach is shrinking. It's pulling up from the sides such that I can see more of my thighs. I'm getting some sense of my true body structure as it follows my spine rather than feeling like some sort of amorphous blob. Oh, I'm still plenty fat, but things are changing in a noticeable way.

When I was walking around shopping today, I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror, as I occasionally do, and felt as though I was definitely much smaller than I once was. I still am very pear shaped (and big bottomed), but my upper body in particular is much, much smaller. No one is going to mistake me for anything but morbidly obese, but I've shrunk a good 10 inches all over by now, and more in some areas.

The size 44 bras I bought last year which started out quite tight are now getting loose. I have to have the straps at their shortest to keep my breasts from wanting to fall out of the D cups. I couldn't use my 60-inch tape measure to get my bra size over a year ago, but now I can use it. The size around my body under my breasts is now roughly 42 inches. I'm hoping to deal with these bras until I reach the size of the 38C I've got in reserve. Bras are expensive, so I'd rather not splurge on interim sizes.

Though I never had much of a double chin for someone of my weight, the little bump of flesh under my chin is starting to flatten out a bit. This sounds good, but it looks bad to me. I'm 45 and it looks a little wrinkled at the moment. I'm wondering if I'm going to end up with some sort of turkey neck after I lose as much weight as I like. This certainly wouldn't stop me from deciding to lose weight, but it's not a happy ending to this process.

My legs have always been fat and I expect that they always will be, but I've noticed that they are starting to get smaller as well. I'll never have lovely, shapely legs, but my calves don't seem to be quite as obscenely huge as they used to be. My feet are also starting to feel too small for my shoes, which I believe were stretched out when my feet were fatter.

I've also noticed that I no longer need to lean on various things in order to clean difficult to reach areas in our apartment. I also used to have to sit while vacuuming because my back hurt too much to stand all of the time. Now, I only infrequently experience the sort of discomfort that prevents me from moving about and doing cleaning work in a normal way.

On the negative side, I continue to experience swelling in my hands when I walk, and I think it's related to overdoing weight lifting. Sometimes my hands feel like stuffed sausages after (and during) a walk. This is definitely a new thing, and I quit weight lifting for the time being to see if it abates, but I'm not liking it. I've also developed a "runner's toe" on my left big toe. It is black and blue and gets fluid under it. I think this is happening to me because my shoes fit badly, but also because my body is weak and not accustomed to so much walking. Still, these are minor issues, and I'm in so much better condition than before. My back problems are such that I can walk for about an hour now, and even then the main issue isn't my back as much as my joints or hips aching. I still wake up stiff in the mornings, but it isn't as painful as before and passes much more quickly.

Finally, I'm getting to the "TMI" section, so nervous types might want to close the browser tab or window. Before I started this, I had a lot of problems with irritable bowels. I would urgently have to defecate in the mornings shortly after waking up and had excruciating pain from my back while dealing with this. Often, I'd have diarrhea-like bowel movements and more often than not I'd have them 2 or 3 times in the same morning. I also had some hemorrhoids. All of this has gone away. In fact, now, I occasionally have difficult bowel movements, but I think that is related to water retention and hormonal changes. Nonetheless, my body is not accustomed to having to "force" a movement, and it's quite difficult trying to work those muscles now.

There's another toilet-related issue, and this one is quite humiliating, but I'll say it anyway. Because of my belly apron's size, back stiffness and difficulty bending and the narrow layout of my toilet (which prevents me from opening my legs wide), I have not been able to wipe my backside from a seated position for over a decade. I have always had to stand and prop my foot on the seat and wipe myself in that manner. I realized this week that my back has healed enough and my belly has shrunk enough that I didn't have to do this anymore. I can now wipe from a seated position like most people do, even in a narrow toilet space.

I also have found that my periods, which went away for about 2 years, have returned (note that this happened to me before - I didn't menstruate for a year in my early 30's and no cause was ever found). I thought it was perimenopause, but I think that my weight simply arrested menstruation. Now that my weight is between 250-280 (not sure of the number now since I rarely weight myself), they're back more or less on a regular basis.

On the brightest side of all, my husband has given intercourse another try after years of not wanting to for reasons I already discussed. He didn't do this because I was losing weight, but neither of us can deny that it is much easier now than before. I'm not pinned down by my weight and he has much easier access because my belly isn't in the way as much and I have greater flexibility. This is something which we're still working at (because it wasn't entirely only an issue due to my weight), but I'm much more hopeful now than before that we'll get back on track to something closer to what we once were (which was much more active and confident on both our parts).

There are still some changes I'm very much looking forward to, and some of them are embarrassing things. I know it may seem that I've already talked about the worst of it, and I may have, but there are a few more. One thing that has been happening for many years is that my belly apron catches on the lip of the toilet seat when I lean over to get up and off, and it sort of grabs it and picks it up a little and it falls noisily back down. This still happens, but not all of the time. I think that it should stop by the end of this summer as my belly size should soon be small enough to not get a good enough grab.

There's also a narrow doorway leading from our bedroom to our kitchen which I'm too fat to walk through. There's another entrance that is wider that I can use that is not far away, so I always use it. My husband uses the narrow one, and I want to be able to use it, too. Of course, I'm also very much looking forward to the day when I don't outweigh him.

A Chronicle of Life Changes as of This Date

There are a few changes I've noticed in my life that I'd like to note for my own continued motivation and progress report:

• Back in June of 2009, I couldn't walk out the door without fear of pain striking me down in 5 minutes. That fear was always on my mind if I had to leave the house. Now, I walk out the front door without fear of not being able to walk. I still have some pain after about 40 minutes of walking, but I am no longer afraid of the possibility of having to walk or stand for an extended period of time. This lack of fear is very liberating and makes me feel more like the person I was before I gained so much weight that I was crippled.
  
• I used to dread going shopping for groceries because of the pain I'd be in by the end of a trip. I'd always get a cart and lean a little on it to help get me through the chore. Also, my back was so bad that I couldn't carry a basket without the imbalance and added weight causing more back pain. Using the cart wasn't enough support, and I'd be in near agony by the time the check-out process was over, but it helped. Now, I'm actually enjoying shopping because I don't find myself in horrible pain by the end, like the exercise of walking around the store and to and from the shops, and lose myself in the experience of checking out products.
• I used to dread going out in public because people would stare and point or laugh at me. They'd also say cruel things. This still happens, but I'm not so overwhelmed with misery that I notice as much. Now, I'm more wrapped up in the liberation I feel in being able to move better and walk. I find that what people do matters less when I'm not struggling against pain.
  
• All of my clothes are baggy. Some are insanely so. This feels very good after mainly wearing clothes that were just fitting or a bit tight for so long. The bagginess makes me feel successful.
• The 44D bras that I bought in early December that I could just squeeze into at that time (though they weren't uncomfortable despite being tight) are just starting to run a bit on the big side. I've had to change the straps from being at their longest possible length to being about half of their length. I can also see this size bra isn't holding my breasts up as high because it's getting looser.
• I've noticed it's getting easier to navigate my body through narrow spaces. I'm still big, but I can sense that I'm not as big as before. Based on relative approximations, I'd say I've lost 6-8 inches off the widest part of my body (my belly and behind combined), and more off of my upper body.
• A pair of white yoga pants that I bought some time ago but were too tight to be worn for a long time now fit very comfortable and appropriately loosely. A pair of blue, non-stretch pants that I wore about a decade ago after losing 40 lbs. or so during a stint in bed with a herniated disc can be worn, but they're still too tight in the belly and calves (but not the waist or thighs) to be comfortable sitting in. These pants are the next great measure of my going a significant step down in weight. When I can wear them, I'll know I've probably lost nearly half of the weight I had to lose from the start.
• I have fewer bouts of extremely intense hunger during the day. It still occurs from time to time, but the overwhelming desire to eat around 4:00-6:00 pm has tempered. Perhaps I'm just planning better. I prefer to think my body has adapted to a new way of living.
• I used to wake up earlier than my husband because I would feel too much pain in my back to continue lying down. Now, I sleep until the alarm goes off.
• My husband can hug me more fully and I can wrap my arms around him more because I'm smaller. This feeling of being more completely enveloped and physically closer is very gratifying.
  

Some strange things have started to happen as of late which I didn't notice before. These aren't such good things, but my hands are so thin (really, quite normal-looking now and not the least bit fat) that I notice more profoundly when they swell up. A few days ago, I was out on an atypically warm winter day, and my hands really swelled up after walking around for about an hour. I think this was a response to the warmer weather as it hadn't happened before when I was out walking.

There are still some issues that I wish would go away such as morning stiffness and pain in my back, though it's not as intense, acute or frequent as it used to be. I also occasionally still have issues with my hands going numb because I lie on my side and some nerve in my back that leads to my hands is compressed. That used to happen nearly every night. Now, it only happens after I've walked nearly every day without a break for a week or when it's going to rain. I still find this very frustrating and will be happy when my back muscles don't have to support so much weight that this happens.

Monitoring is Bad

Awhile back, I mentioned that I was going to take progress pictures every 4 months to give me some feedback on my weight loss aside from my ever-loosening clothing. I figured this was a "safer" method than the scale, which I fear will be a very bad influence on my motivation. That sense about the scale has only been intensified as I've started to read more blogs by people losing weight. The obsession they have with weighing themselves and the emotional roller coasters they ride with its numbers prove to me that the scale is "bad".

I've discovered that, for me, the pictures weren't a lot better. I had my husband take a second set of pictures to compare and I wouldn't even look at them until he gave me feedback. Unfortunately, we weren't careful about noting positioning when the first pictures were taken and I stood closer to the camera the second time which made it hard to do size comparison. The best my husband could offer because he said that the picture didn't really do a good job of revealing what he could see with his own eyes was that "things don't hang down as low." Sigh.

One can imagine how disheartening it is to earmark their journey with progress that can be measured in flab that is receding a bit. While this is not surprising since at my size the distribution of a weight loss of as high as 40-60 pounds over my entire body wouldn't mean a serious loss in any particular area, it was still depressing. Watching for signs of any sort, whether it be numbers on the scale or figure alterations in photos just depresses me. Even when I succeed (and I am so very much succeeding), I feel like I'm failing because I don't look "better" so much as less bad.

So, I've decided to scrap the photo progress idea and stop watching in any concrete way. I'll stick with watching my clothes and my disposition relative to my environment. I noticed lately that, when I sit in the only chair we have with handles, I don't fit tightly (though there aren't gaps, it's no longer a difficult and uncomfortable squeeze) and I can actually put my elbows on the arm rest. In the past, my upper flab tire was between me and that part of the chair as it squished out over the top of the handles. I've also noticed that my overall width has noticeably decreased and my stretchy pants that used to fit snugly are getting baggy in the thigh area. When stretch pants start to bag a bit, it's a good sign.

My mantra now is "focus on behavior and the weight loss will come." I don't want to focus on the weight loss because it's like the old adage about a watched pot never boiling. Looking and looking is just going to exhaust and frustrate me. I have to view controlling my food intake as a behavior with an inevitable result rather than one in which the desired result might not happen. If you eat less than your body burns in a day, you will lose weight. It is inevitable. Therefore, checking to see that the inevitable is actually occurring is as pointless as watching the kettle as it heats up.

4-Month Progress

I've been at this now for 1/3 of a year and I want to note the progress I've made in concrete terms so that I can look back after 4 more months and see how far I've come. It's so easy to look at how far I have to go that I think it's important to see how far I've come. Here are the improvements I've made in 4 months:

• I initially could not walk for 5 minutes without great back pain and a sense of being out of breath. I had to sit down often to keep walking and walked slowly. I can now walk for up to 15 minutes, sometimes longer, without sitting due to back problems, and I can often walk and stand for as long as 45 minutes with only one brief rest. I walk much faster, though not as fast as most people, and don't feel the need to rest because I'm out of breath. My longest sojourn out and about on my feet (but still needing to sit down because of my bad back) has been two hours at this point.
• Shirts that were comfortably loose on me before are now so large that I feel like I'm swimming in them. Shirts that were uncomfortably snug before that I rarely wore now fit properly and comfortably.
• My pants are much looser and longer. Though I've hemmed the ones that are too long, they are starting to bag at the thighs and hips even though they are stretchy pants. Pants that I couldn't get on at all before fit tightly now.
• My hands and feet don't swell up as much overnight and look as puffy. When my hands are cold, my wedding ring is too loose to fit without slipping off because I've lost weight in my fingers.
• My forearms are visibly thinner and I'm finally starting to see a loss in my lower calves such that my "cankles" aren't so pronounced or pudgy.
• When I sit down, I notice that my body shape is starting to show some definition rather than looking like just a blob of spare tires. It's not much, but it's a start.
• My face is definitely a little thinner and younger looking, though my double chin (which was never very pronounced for someone of my weight) is about the same.
• I used to be afraid to have to walk around, even for a short time because of pain. I no longer have that fear for the first time in years. While I still need to sit down, I know I'm not going to be in agony after a brief period of time.
• I don't have sugar cravings and severe blood sugar fluctuations driving my eating. I believe I've broken my physiological sugar dependency through portion control and changes in diet.
• I feel fuller faster and with less food. Half as much food makes me feel just as full as twice as much did 4 months ago. I'm certain my stomach has shrunk due to gradual portion alterations.

I still have a terribly long way to go and still find myself eating compulsively and when under stress. The main difference is that I eat much less when I do this (and don't do it for such a prolonged period of time), but it's still a point that needs to be worked on. The scary part is that the food is often in my mouth before I even realize that I'm acting on emotional eating urges or a compulsion. I think it's hunger at the time, but recognize after the fact that it is not.

At the moment, this compulsive eating is more of a concern for me than fighting off hunger and failing. At least the hunger is real and understandable as giving your body fewer calories than it needs to sustain itself will result in real hunger. The compulsive eating is absolutely unproductive and part of an urge to take comfort in food.

This comfort is not an illusion, but it is a destructive and temporary solution to emotional distress. It's the aspect of my eating which caused me to regain all the weight I lost after so much hard work in college. If I don't conquer this, I'm doomed for a repeat next time I undergo a severe change in my life.

My deadline for having to face changing my work is, at the minimum 2 years and 2 months away, and at the maximum 2.5 years away. Seeing the time ebb away is a little scary for me because I'm uncertain that I can maintain my current rate of progress through time due to natural slowdowns in weight loss and limits on my time to increase physical activity. If the rate of loss remained as steady as it has so far, I wouldn't worry at all as I think I'm on track, but I guess I'll have to worry about crossing that bridge when I get to it.