Tuesday, May 4, 2010

One down, one to go

Recently my husband noted another "jump" in the change of my appearance. It really does seem that a month or so goes by and nothing has really happened, but then suddenly there's some noticeable change. Yesterday, he told me that my breasts "stuck out" more than my stomach, and noted that it has been quite some time since that was the case. Of course, they only do this when I stand. When I sit, my belly apron still remains the victor by a mile at this point. He said that my stomach also seems to look "flatter". What he means by that is the bulgy rings have had some of the air let out of their tires and aren't protruding as much, not that my stomach is in any way flat.

I also noticed that the little double bumps of fat on the inside of my upper arms (just behind the elbow) have started to disappear. I've also noticed that I can rest both arms on the arm rests near the back of the only chair with arms in our home whereas before I could rest one arm by turning sideways or both arms near the front of the armrests. I can also reach my arms around behind my back more easily.

Also, I have found that I can feel my hip bones much better when I'm lying on my side in bed, and a few days ago I could actually feel my ribs under my breasts (this is the smallest part of my body - within 4-5 inches of being within the range of what people would consider "normal" chest size for someone with my bone structure). I've also noticed that the 44 D bras that I bought are starting to become rather loose. They keep riding up because they don't fit snugly enough around my chest and the bra straps are at their smallest extension. I'm still hoping to stick with these bras for another several months. Frankly, I was hoping they'd do the job until I reached the long-neglected 38C that I have in my closet, but I'm thinking that may be too big a leap.

One thing I realized a few weeks ago is that I have been carrying around the weight of 3 women for quite some time. My poor body has been burdened with the equivalent of carrying two more people on my back for many years. Now, at around 270, it's carrying only two people's weight and it is much easier to move around than before. If I think of it like having someone riding piggyback on me at all times, it feels devastatingly hard to live life like that. It's no wonder I have had such terrible back pain.

At this point in time, I've lost about 1/3 of my total body weight since starting and I have lost about 1/2 of the weight that I need to lose (with a goal weight of 150). The weight of one person is down, and there is one to go.


In order to make sure that my progress remains on track, I've tightened up my eating habits a bit. I used to have a goal of 1600 calories, but I knew I'd nibble here and there and add in another 100 calories. Mainly, this "nibbling" was a hard candy here and there (about 10 calories per candy), particularly the odd throat drop as I tend to have a sore throat because I talk a lot in my work. I'd also have a little milk in my tea, the odd lone pretzel  or cracker, etc. It wasn't much, but I'm thinking as I edge closer to 250 lbs., I should try to top out at 1600 rather than 1700-1800. To that end, I've capped my calories at 1500 so that these nibbles (which I am not prepared to surrender) will take the number up to 1600 at most. I am always aware of the cumulative nature of these small indulgences, and never go too far or have too many of them.

The reason I'm not prepared to give them up is that I will not live without some sort of spontaneity in my eating or life. If I crave a sweet, or a cup of tea, I'm not going to deprive myself over a few calories here and there. I think that these are actually "release valves" that help me not feel as though I'm trapped by my style of eating. Without the chance to have a quick sweet, a milky cup of tea, etc., I think I start to feel as if I were doing little but toe the line and possibly feel like I was "suffering".

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