Thursday, March 11, 2010

Still a Freak

At this point in time, I’ve lost about 100 lbs., and I’m happy with all of the changes I’ve made in my life, but there’s no joy that going out in public won’t rob me of. Today, I decided to push my normal amount of exercise a bit and was out walking around on a longer trek than usual and got one of those all too common experiences where someone blatantly stares at me and looks me up and down with a lingering gaze on my stomach. The gaze is always accompanied by wide-eyed incredulity or revulsion.

There’s nothing like being treated like a freak to bring me down when I start to think I'm doing okay. I’ve lost a lot of weight, but in the eyes of the world, I’m just as disgusting as ever.


Mia said...


Thanks for stopping by blog with those words of wisdom. Since the past month or so, I've lost roughly 10 pounds but I don't feel different as in lighter or what not. Everytime, I go on the scale, I just hope it goes down and not up. And when it does go up, slightly, I freak out and hit the gym. Going to the gym for me is like a secret and I don't know why. It's better for me to be with a bunch of strangers than people I know. And if these strangers want to judge me, then be it. I'm in the gym to do my thing. I used to have the "people looking at me weirdly" perspective but now I don't really care anymore and I think it's better that way. I still have a long way to goooooo... Even though, physicaly I feel the same. Which is kinda sad. I know, it takes time and weight loss is no overnight bus ride. How did u manage to lose the weight! that's such an accomplishment!!

screaming fatgirl said...

Hi, Mia, and thank you for coming by and leaving a comment, too!

I can understand how you feel about the scale going up. One of the reasons that I don't weigh myself very often (in the last 8 months, I've weighed myself twice) is that I don't want to be on that emotional roller coaster with the scale. I plan to weigh myself again around mid-June. This is mainly a way of gauging whether there has been a drop-off in the average loss I believe I'm experiencing. After that weigh-in, I won't get on the scale again until December 2011, most likely.

The way I lost weight is detailed in this blog, but the bottom line is that I calorie count, eat small portions frequently, and don't deprive myself. I eat whatever I want, just not whenever or as much as I want. If I've used up all of my calories for the day, I tell myself I can have the food I want tomorrow.

That being said, I'm mindful of the fact that losing weight at nearly 400 lbs. is easier than at somewhere near 300 lbs. I'm going to have to modify things in the near future, but I'm guessing that will mainly involve stepping up exercise as much as watching what I eat.

Good luck to you, and thanks again. :-)

Anonymous said...

Honestly, hon...fuck 'em. You have done an amazing thing...and if you never lose another pound, you've succeeded in ways other people can't imagine. I applaud you and encourage you to hold your head up! I say this as a fat girl who has lost a lot of weight...only to have most of it come back on. I am now ready to try again. I'll be a follower of yours from now on.


screaming fatgirl said...

Hi, Shana, and thank you for your kind support and for reading my blog. It really warms my heart. :-)

It has gotten easier for me to dismiss people who regard me poorly. Most of the time, I'm okay these days (thought it was much harder when I made this post). It gets easier as time goes by.

There's an animated GIF that someone on a fat acceptance blog put up which showed an overweight person walking and said, "haters gonna hate" meaning that we should just ignore them and live our lives. I thought that was actually pretty cool, and a good thing to keep in mind.

dlamb said...

Though I know that this was a long time ago, it still breaks my heart for you. How disheartening, given the effort, the minute by minute attention to all that you were doing, not to mention the incredible achievement.

Adults who engage in this kind of behavior, UNLESS THEY ARE DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED, do it intentionally. They probably have some major issues of their own; acting this way is simply a symptom.

I have to say, it is experiences such as these that make me wish for Carrie (the movie) powers. SHAMEFULLY immature, I know but ...

screaming fatgirl said...

I try to ascribe motives to people which are not mere condemnation of them. I think part of it is that they objectify people in general and therefore have no empathy for them. This isn't "right" as it is not humanistic, but I think they looked upon me as some sort of alien animal who did not live as they did and therefor did not think and feel as they did. It's a sort of ignorance and emotional capacity shortcoming. I don't believe they were meaning to be cruel or evil, but the result was that they hurt me terribly and I'm not sure their motives mattered so much as the outcome.

These days, that doesn't happen anymore, but I take no comfort from that because I know they do it to others. I don't want anyone to be treated as I was treated.