Friday, July 9, 2010

I Wish...

I wish I...
...was materialistic so that I could buy things and feel happy. I wish an iPad, new clothes, or jewelry mattered to me so that such a simple thing as spending money to acquire bits of junk was meaningful.
...was vain, so that my improved appearance was more meaningful to me. I wish I cared about the shape of my breasts, behind, and waist or how my face looks.
...was nosier, so that I cared about what celebrities did with their lives and could preoccupy myself with the minutiae of their lives.
...had more creative energy, so that working on creative endeavors didn't wear me out and I could cram every waking moment making things of value instead of feeling exhausted and left with a wandering mind.
...was not so easily over-stimulated so that I could fill my time with experiences that didn't overwhelm my nervous system and blow out my emotional fuses.
...was less self-aware, so I didn't understand the depths and causes of the emptiness I sometimes feel.
Today, I told my husband that I was tired of never having "enough". I blamed him for this, and said that he was what I wasn't getting "enough" of. The truth is that what I'm not getting enough of is meaning. Now that I can't fill myself up with food, I feel so incredibly empty sometimes that I want to scream. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore, and I wonder if this is depression at having lost something which was a destructive, yet simple, pleasure.

By divorcing myself from the joy I took in food, I gained a better relationship with it, but I am left with nothing to take its place.


Fat Grump said...

"By divorcing myself from the joy I took in food, I gained a better relationship with it, but I am left with nothing to take its place."

Hmmm. Well, apart from the last two things mentioned on that list, I am with you, but I'd say that makes us discerning ;-)

I am not as far down the road as you but I am beginning to see food as a fuel - something I need to keep me going. Being able to walk by junk food is becoming easier...there are no conflicting thoughts when I say I don't want it - and move on. It DOES change my outlook..and what I am too I guess.

What you are describing does seem like a vague focus has been taken away from you so you are questioning other aspects of your life - or at least what makes you tick.

Now your husband is under scrutiny..and I think that might be understandable, if only from the point of view that we do so much growing when we retrain our brains to think about food and eating. You've become hyper-aware of other aspects of your life now. Food filled a void..but the void is bigger now that food has lost it's hold on you. That was a relationship of a kind that you lost. Sounds like you need to keep a dialogue going with yourself and your husband. You've changed but it's not fair to expect him to become a new model too...someone to make you 'happy'. We are responsible for our own happiness. It's good to inspect relationships from time to time I think. We can easily slip into comfortable (or uncomfortable) ruts with our loved ones. Hope you can work out what you need - together.

screaming fatgirl said...

Hi, Grump, and thank you for taking the time to comment. I actually don't see food as fuel at all. The part that I'm losing is the psychological comfort from it. I see it as a source of sustenance, but also pleasure - but that pleasure is more purely sensory rather that psychological.

My husband isn't under scrutiny, and I definitely don't want a "new model" - he's damn near perfect as he is (and I mean that!). As I said, I unfairly "blamed" him, but it really isn't his fault. He's an incredible person and I have no complaints about him. I couldn't have a better spouse or friend in the world than him. When I'm in a bad way though, I tend to feel he's not giving me enough attention, but I do realize that's not it. When you're in pain though, it's all too easy to misplace the source.

As you say, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but it's a lot harder when you're dealing with a lot of issues to simply cast aside your sadness and start fishing for something to fill the void.

Sarah@LowStressWeightLoss said...

I too find this last sentence "By divorcing myself from the joy I took in food, I gained a better relationship with it, but I am left with nothing to take its place." a bit different from my own perspective.

I am trying to change from food being a central part of the joy of my life, to being one of MANY ways I enjoy my life, but I don't want to not ENJOY my food. Food can be pleasurable, and in my view being more in touch with appreciating & judging our food can make us better able to stop eating junk & eat only until satisfied with anything.

Last year I started to couple increasing my focus on pleasure & things that make me happy at the same time as I focused on managing my weight, and it was a real win-win combo. I realized so many other things besides food bring me pleasure, but I also was able to get more pleasure out of something I do at least 3 times a day...

RedPanda said...

Another spot-on post - I swear sometimes that you can read my mind!

I, too, suffer from a feeling of emptiness, a kind of void that I used to fill with food. I have suffered from depression in the past and it doesn't feel like that. I know others who have lost weight and turned to overspending, but since I'm paying off my credit card, that isn't an option for me. Besides, I have learnt that buying stuff doesn't fill that void like it used to.

I often wonder whether other people feel like this most of the time and it's just part of life. Or whether people with emotional/food issues feel it more keenly?

Anonymous said...

As an official health care professional, I can tentatively diagnose your condition. Sounds a lot like growing pains.

Kinda joking, kinda not. :)

There are so many changes that go along with a transformation like yours (and mine). Sometimes it is good to just be still. To listen to the inner voice(s) that were kept quieted with extra food.

My *inner girl* is telling me to go sit in the sunshine now and do nothing for awhile. Well, maybe take along a diet root beer and the latest issue of the New Yorker. It's so hard for me to just be still.

Take care SFG. You've got this.