(Another) Progress Report Quasi-Pep Talk

I haven't been doing these very often because my thoughts don't tend to turn to physical progress as often as they once did. I tend to be more focused on mental progress since that feels more meaningful to me. It's not that the physical progress isn't important. It's actually very important, but one leads to the other and the mental changes have had a more profound effect on my overall quality of life at this point.

I have mentioned before that my weight loss feels like a Russian doll effect. I am getting smaller, but my shape is generally the same. This is sometimes discouraging because my lower body is so disproportionate relative to my upper body and I wish my belly and behind would shrink more visibly.

Part of what has persuaded me to make this post is that I think my stomach finally is changing. The reason that I'm so keen on my stomach changing is that it is such a focal point for unwanted attention from strangers and even business acquaintances. Sometimes I'm sitting across from a person I deal with in my work, and their eyes drift down and gawk at my belly. Sometimes their eyes dart down to it repeatedly. It makes me very self-conscious that people break eye contact during conversations to look at my stomach, and they are in a "client" position so I can't really call them on it.

Here is the progress I have noticed:

• The old chair with arms which has been my measuring stick for so long continues to offer feedback. When I started, I squeezed into it with difficulty, couldn't use the armrests, etc. Now, I can sit in it comfortably and can fit one of my arms between my body and the chair's arms.
• The shape of my hips and lower body has changed because my stomach is finally starting so show some "lift". It still hangs down plenty, but it's definitely getting visibly smaller.
• I can see more of my upper thighs than I have seen in years, both on the sides and at the top. I may actually be developing a bit of a lap.
• My breasts are getting smaller. Since I'm a "D" cup now and would like to be back to a "C" (my smallest bra size as an adult), that makes me happy.
• Veins are starting to show on the sides of my wrists and my forearms are pretty much "normal" looking and not fat at all. My upper arms are another story, but I don't think I'll ever be rid of batwings, and I'm not really too preoccupied with that.
• My collar bones are visible and my shoulders are taking on definition.
• My upper calves are noticeably smaller. My upper calves have always been huge, even when I wasn't all that overweight. At my highest weight, they were like volley balls attached to the base of my knee. They're still big, but not nearly as big as before.
• My double-chin continues to shrink at a slow rate, though it is still a little wrinkly which I'm not a fan of.
• I can feel that there is less fat in my cheeks because the space where the creases leading to my nose is bigger. It's easier to clean pores at the sides of my nose now.
• I notice that it is easier to sit with my legs together and that when I sit in our tiny (very tiny) toilet, I don't need to use the entire space to spread my legs apart when going to the bathroom.
• Post bathing powdering of parts of my body that rub together requires less powder. There's less "acreage" to cover.
• When I shower, I notice that my belly button isn't as "deep" when I clean it. Also, when I sit with my hands resting on my stomach, I notice that my belly button is higher.
• It's easier to touch type because my stomach isn't getting in the way as much.
• I use an armless chair, and I used to take up the entire space and possibly hang over the sides a bit. Now, there is a little room on the sides.
• I negotiate narrow spaces in shops more easily and feel less inhibited about trying to squeeze into them. There was a shop I had been wanting to go into for some time, but the layout was very narrow (keep in mind, I'm in an urban area where the shops are smaller and shopkeepers try to maximize stock space by making narrow aisles). I avoided going in because I didn't want to be knocking things over or totally blocking the aisle such that others couldn't pass by. I finally went into that shop, and everything was okay.

I'm still not incredibly confident about my ability to go out and just do anything. I still don't think I can fit into theater seats, restaurant chairs, or negotiate any space at my current body size. I also wouldn't go on an airplane right now. If I were less pear-shaped, this might not be an issue, but my lower body is just too big.

Last time I weighed myself (not too terribly recently, but not too long ago either), I weighed 249 lbs. It's interesting to consider all of the possible perspectives on this. I started around 380 lbs. by my rough calculations. That means I've lost 35% of my body's weight at its highest point and am roughly 2/3 the size I once was.

I'm also currently only about 19 lbs. heavier than my husband's highest recorded weight. That's probably the smallest difference between his and my weight ever as I have always out-weighed him, though it's important to note that I'm still 50 lbs. heavier than his current weight as he has been losing weight over the past several months as well. It would be nice to one day not be heavier than my husband, though the truth is that our body frames and sizes are roughly similar. His feet and hands are almost the same size as mine, though he is 5 inches taller than me. His frame is on the smaller side, and mine is on the bigger side.

I once talked about the percentages in a post and how each pound lost becomes more meaningful than the last because the ratios keep getting "better". That is, losing 1/380th of my weight is smaller than 1/249th of my weight. Each pound is more meaningful than the last. However, I'm still more interested in mental progress because I feel that on a daily basis, it really has been more profound. Each pound still is not something that I can see as an external change on a daily basis, but I can feel the lack of obsession with food and the lack of struggle on the inside every single day.