Thursday, February 2, 2012

The "C" Word

My sister told me today that she has cancer markers in her blood, so I can no longer live in the fantasy that her tumor may be benign. A successful tissue sample for a biopsy to determine if it is cervical or ovarian cancer has not been completed. I suspect some of the issues may be related to her weight, but I do not know. My sister and I talk about many things, but her weight and up until the last three years, mine, were always the elephants in the room. She pretends her weight isn't a factor in her life, and I never address it.

As I said before, I strongly suspect she avoided routine screening because of her body size (as that was the reason I avoided it and many women do as well). I could be furious that the world encourages morbidly obese women to put their heads in the sand with their behavior, but there's no point in directing my energy so uselessly. My energy is directed toward my sister's well-being, supporting her, and understanding that things just happen. I don't have a need to "blame" anyone or anything. This is what it is, and I hope that she is going to be okay at the end of all of this.

Not everything is about weight in my life, but this thing may be about hers. I wish that I could help her more, or had helped her better, but I know each person has to help themselves. I don't even look back on the last 6 months or so when I advised her to get a gynecological exam and be checked for uterine tumors and think, "I was right" or "I told you so." I really don't. I just see this as a part of a pattern that many fat women are in and the way life works. It's sad. I'm sad, but I'm not mad. I just hope, again, that she doesn't pay a huge or the ultimate price for waiting. Right now, I just love her and appreciate her without any dialogue about "could have been/done" or "should have been/done."


Princess Dieter said...

So, so sorry. And i hope your sis has some very good docs on her team.

I hope the people who NEED to read this come to see these posts about shame/fear/exams. Maybe one person will just go and get screened/examined and obesity-shame be damned!

Again, sorry for the horrible news. :(

emmabovary said...

I'm a very sorry to read this and even sorrier for what is to come. Thinking of you, your sister and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I will pray for both of you and for her medical team.

It is a shame that it is often the doctor who makes those of us that are overweight feel like we shouldn't go on for exams. At least that has been my experience.

She's lucky to have you to lean on through this.

Christine said...

oh I am so sorry. I hope she is able to fight this off. and ditto princess...

NewMe said...

I am truly sorry to hear the news. You are certainly right to put regrets and anger behind you so that you can be there to support someone you deeply love.

Norma said...

So sorry to hear this. Hope she is able to give you some good news soon.

screaming fatgirl said...

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

Right now, my focus is on living in the now and using that time for important things rather than focusing on trivialities or things that aren't really important. I'm trying to spend as much time with the people who are truly important and giving them the full attention they deserve (like my sister). Times like this provide a learning opportunity, and this one is that I should not take my time with those I love for granted and show a sincere and genuine interest in them when I interact with them rather than waste time or give them half of my attention. In essence, I don't want to take things for granted.

I may be away from this blog for awhile looking after "real life", but I will be back.

Thanks again.

LHA said...

I will add my condolences to you and your sister for the challenges you are facing. I am so, so sorry about this! I am glad you are such a caring and supportive presence in your sister's life. How wise you are to not let regrets and anger overtake you. I will be thinking of you and your sister and hoping for the best possible outcome.

Jan said...

Oh not that is terrible news. I hope your sister gets the best treatment possible and that she beats this illness.
It comes close to the bone for me as I have avoided the tests myself over the years.
When I did try to have a test last year I was told that it could not be done correctly due to my size. I so hope nothing happens to me.
Take care and hugs to you and your sister.