The Bleeding Obvious

Some time ago, I read an exchange between several people attempting to lose weight. One of them said that she couldn't get through the whole thing without having treats so she enjoyed a little everyday. To this, another said, 'if you can't get through the day without a piece of chocolate, you've got bigger issues.' I didn't say it, but I thought, "no kidding, Sherlock."

People who want to lose weight, but haven't had severe issues with food don't approach food the same way as those who have. Many of us are like alcoholics that were drinking several six packs a day. Getting down to one beer a day is a monumental accomplishment. In fact, as long as quality of life is not compromised by that one beer, there is no reason to extinguish it from our lives, particularly if having that one keeps us from having 12.

Perfectionists, absolutists, and people who measure their self-worth in body weight, calories or the nutritional composition of their diet are one of the single most destructive elements in dealing with obesity. For those people, "good" is never "good enough", and they cannot accept that any other viewpoints other than their own are valid. For them, the trivial, such as whether you have 4 Hershey's Kisses a day to help you mentally deal with the changes to your lifestyle, is a springboard for a smug sense of superiority. They are "stronger" than you because they don't need this little emotional crutch.

My response to this thinking is that if your self-worth and valuation of others is measured by the composition of your respective diets or a number on the scale, then you have bigger issues. Such a shallow definition of self will ultimately undo you far faster than a few bites of chocolate to help you get through the day.

Leave Them Alone

I don't read many fat acceptance blogs these days, nor do I read many weight loss ones. There are a few I follow as long as they don't get me too emotionally invested. As time goes by, both sides display such disordered and irrational thinking at times that it starts to feel more like I'm watching contestants in a bizarre reality show rather than witnessing real people operating in real life.

One thing which I know from long experience is that fat advocates hate it when diet zealots and gurus post comments to their blogs trying to "save" them. When the free-thinking fatties don't appreciate this type of intervention, the dietarians (my term) get increasingly hostile with them for not subscribing to their dogma. The fatties just want to be left alone in most cases and spread their message to those who need it. They want to support those who have done nothing but suffer in their attempts to lose weight and need to find a path to acceptance and self-love. All they wish for dietarians to do is to leave them alone and I think this is an eminently reasonable request.

That being said, I think that the door has to swing both ways on this issue and recently I read a blog post by a HAES advocate which shows that is not necessarily so. This person joined an organization for people who wish to lose weight and part of her purpose was to spread her gospel to women who she felt needed it. She described how most of them had been in the group for years and had been unsuccessful. This information is meant to illustrate that they needed what she was going to sneak in and attempt to sell them. She may be right. However, what she is planning to do is wrong.

There is no difference between what the HAES advocate is attempting to do in a well-meaning effort to quiet the psychological suffering of people who have tried to lose weight and failed but continue to try and what diet and weight loss advocates attempt to do to fat advocates. Both sides are convinced they are "right" and that the other side "needs" their message. Both sides are attempting to shoehorn their way into another person's chosen lifestyle in an egotistical attempt to "save them" from themselves. Both are prioritizing their viewpoints and agendas over that of others.

This sort of behavior on either side shows that people need desperately to be right and to coerce, cajole, persuade, or bully others into adopting their lifestyle. Dietarians have been doing it for a long time because they have societal approval at their backs and their sense of righteousness is generally more intense. As the oppressed minority, fatties have been generally more reserved about preaching to a choir that has attended their church voluntarily rather than going out and proselytizing to those who are clearly uninterested in their message.

My advice to both groups, and to everyone in general, is to offer your message to parties who are seeking it. Once you start going around trying to "convert" people who hold opposing views and goals, you have become "the enemy" and lose all credibility.*

*Note that I do not include things like commenting on blogs in opposition to what people are doing or saying in general. There is a difference between disagreeing on method, attitude, and details of what a person is doing and subscribing to an entirely different worldview/lifestyle. For example, telling someone that drinking 6 gallons of water per day when on a diet may not be the best option when you are also interested in losing weight is not the same as saying you shouldn't lose weight and love yourself as you are. I feel compelled to say this because I don't want people setting up a strawman to knock down as an absurdist argument against what I have just said. I'm not saying, "never post a dissenting opinion."

Supply and Demand

It's hard to get two paragraphs into anything written by a fat acceptance blogger without mention of how the diet industry has warped all of society's thinking about weight. They talk about how their raison d'être is to make us hate our bodies so much that we will fork over our cash to have ourselves "fixed" using their various programs. People who are comfortable with themselves aren't likely to buy as many goods and services as those who are uncomfortable, so the diet industry plays on insecurities that it manufactures according to many people who support body acceptance.

There is an assumption, and this is not only true of those who blame the diet industry for our body hatred, that "society", "government", or "business" make a decision and then indoctrinate us into their way of thinking. The feeling is that they decide how best to profit by manipulating us and then carry out a plan. As time goes by, they fine-tune that plan and play more expertly on our fears and pain to maximize their ability to cull our cash or gain power.

Here is the thing, and people don't like to accept this because a conspiracy is much more appealing than the truth, business does not create the environment of body hatred. It plays on feelings and insecurities that are already there. You are not sold something because someone tells you you should want it. You are sold it because on some level you already want it. No one can convince you of something which is absolutely not within your mind to some extent already.

The way business and government work is like building a fire. They see a spark, a flicker, or a tiny flame, and they fan it until it is bigger. If you allow them, they will create a raging bonfire, but some part of you is the origin of the inferno. They cannot make something from nothing just as you can't build a fire from nothing but a pile of twigs. This applies to government as well. If people vote for a wild political platform offered up by some crazy politician, it isn't because they are told what to do, but because it reflects what they already believed.

The grim truth is that all aspects of society are a reflection of the people who live in it. We get the government we deserve. We have a media which reflects what we want to hear. We are sold products which we want to buy. People say they feel differently, but then their behaviors and choices betray the truth. Fat women say they love their plump bodies, yet talk about how they can get thin, hot boyfriends. Why even mention this unless this is seen as a more prized condition than having a fat boyfriend? It's essentially seen as saying, "see, despite my inferior status in society, I can get someone of what is perceived to be a superior status."

So, the diet industry didn't teach us to hate being fat anymore than they taught us to hate the smell of body odor. They expertly play on our lack of love for various conditions. Despite what fat activists would like everyone to believe, being fat has been a disliked condition for centuries. Ancient Egyptians were body conscious despite having no organized diet industry or media programming. While there has been some flexibility in what is seen as an "ideal" form, that flexibility does not often extend to obese bodies.

Aside from the Venus figurines, there is very little historical evidence that grossly overweight forms were seen as beautiful even in ancient times. The Venus figurines are often held up as an example of ancient love of the rounded form, but such interpretations are wishful thinking at best. Given the emphasis on a large belly and breasts, they are much more likely to have been fertility images, not a celebration of fatness.

The bottom line is that most people don't like being fat. They've never liked being fat and the diet industry sprung up as a result of that dislike. It heard us talk. It knew how we felt about this condition and it acted to sell us something it was pretty sure we'd buy. The diet industry didn't make us hate our bodies. They simply are supplying a demand created by pre-existing hate of our condition.

One of Us

This is a post I wrote almost a year ago about diet culture but decided not to post because I was concerned that it would offend people who felt they were being included in the types of people I'm writing about. I was also worried about generating negative attention and that's not what this blog is all about. However, I was motivated to bring it back out after reading about an invasion of privacy on another person's blog, which I believe is the action of people who I describe in this post. That is, people who believe so strongly in the rightness of their way that they will interfere with another person's life, even if that person is essentially a stranger.

Before you read it, keep in mind that I'm not talking about an individual, but about a mindset portrayed by groups of individuals which I feel is destructive. If you think I'm pointing a finger at you, you're almost certainly the one pointing at yourself. I don't know "you", or, if I do, I don't know enough about "you" to include you in this group. If this post makes you uncomfortable, you may be seeing some truth about yourself that I personally am absolutely incapable of seeing.

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In the movie “Freaks”, there is a disturbing scene where a “normal” woman comes into their group of pinheads and little people and they accept her as their own and start chanting “one of us, one of us, gooble, gobble.” This scene is perhaps better known by the fact that it was used in an early episode of the Simpsons. Sometimes, the dieting culture, reminds me of this scene.

Early on in my efforts to lose weight, I turned to weight loss support forums for “support”. I learned pretty quickly that those who reshaped themselves to fit into the mold that was “accepted” and who roughly came from the same place as the members were supported. Those that did not, were hammered away at until they forced themselves to fit in or simply ran away. It was a tribe that I wasn't welcome in, because my experiences and perspective were too different from the core of the diet culture.

The interesting thing about following people who just “join” the diet culture is that you can see the earnestness and desire to fit in. The sense that they will lose weight and succeed if they follow the successful herd is so strong it is palpable. They want to cast off all that they were and become what these other people are, because that will give them what they desperately seek. Those who are incapable of abandoning enough of themselves to follow all of the guidelines and rules of a particular sect of the diet cult consider themselves to have failed to do the right thing, not that perhaps the rigidity of the tribe does not suit their particular needs.

Lip service is given to the idea that all weight loss processes are individual and that we each need to find what works for us, but the deeper waters stir with the idea that failure is the result of not doing what I do (and what I do is "right" because I have lost weight and that makes me an authority and valid judge). When someone expresses frustration, the diet vultures are quick to move in and pick the choices of that party apart in a feeding frenzy of, at times constructive, and at other times judgmental, criticism. The message isn't that you haven't found what works for you. The message is that you aren't doing what works for us.

One reason that I approach things slowly and psychologically is that I also have my biases in regards to what I believe works. My biases are also informed by what is effective for me. My strongest bias is the absolute and unwavering belief that psychological elements always play a role in our relationship with food. I reject the notion out of hand that overeating is never anything more than unrestrained indulgence in the joys of eating. I also reject the idea that it is about character flaws that need to be whipped into shape with discipline. All character flaws stem from psychological wells in my opinion, and they can be drained or filled using therapeutic methods and the perceived "flaws" can be addressed to lesser or greater extents.

I can empathize with the bias of others, because I have my bias as well. The point at which I lose empathy though is when people become fanatical to the point where they insist their bias is an absolute reality. One of the things that I have difficulty with is the assertion that thinness solves all problems and that merely attaining the goal of a certain body shape will transform your life for the better as long as that shape is maintained.

Do I think life is better in many ways at a lower weight? Of course. However, a lot of that is steeped in the loss of negatives, not the attainment of positives. If your life is empty and your identity incomplete, losing weight will not change that. If your life is full of meaning and your weight was impeding your ability to take full advantage of it, then this will change.

The thing I reject is that thinness is the ultimate goal and an answer to all problems. I think the that goal should be to no longer be defined by a negative body image, developing a body that you feel good in, and building a relationship with food which places it in its proper context in your life (which may not be the same context as I want it placed in my life).

The goal for me is not to be an exercising machine or to define myself by healthy food choices. I've already spent much of my life being defined by my body and food choices and don't want to simply be the same person in a more socially acceptable body. That is not being whole. That is being just as damaged in a way which is sanctioned, probably feels better physically, and is considered admirable by society. I no more want to define myself by my food choices than I would like to do so by the amount of money in my bank account or the color of sofa I choose. “Normal”, that is psychologically healthy people, don't define themselves by their food options or exercise habits.

Many people find my viewpoint not only weird, but actively offensive and destructive. They believe that what I'm saying is unsupportive of people who want to lose weight. Frankly, from all outward appearances, they cannot see anything wrong with continuing to focus intently on BMIs, exercise habits, and food choices. In essence, they can see nothing wrong with being a part of this tribe and want everyone to be one of them in order to be just as happy as they are. In fact, they think this is the path to joy, and can't see how anyone would think otherwise.

This type of thinking is actually so close to fundamentalist religious thinking that it scares me a little. The deity involved is thinness. The daily “prayer habits” are exercise and eating vegetables and lean protein. The rituals are weighing oneself, checking body mass index numbers, and counting minutes on hamster-wheel-like machines. If you subscribe to the religion, and turn yourself over to thinness, you will be happy.

While I certainly do not care what other people do with their lives and their time as long as they aren't hurting anyone else, I feel uncomfortable with the zealotry I sometimes witness. There is a type of “recruiting” going on where people say, “let me help fix your life by guiding you to thinness”. There is an undercurrent of disapproval or knee-jerk recommending that is put out there for people who aren't doing all of the daily meditations properly. I can't tell you the number of times that someone writes about being tempted by a cookie in the office and successfully resisting, a psychological triumph greater than the avoidance of cookie calories, and the response is not just “good for you,” it is also, “now go throw the cookie away.” The members of the cult of thinness don't care about mental advancement. They care about following the rules. Good members don't allow “bad” food to exist in their presence. It isn't part of their gospel.

As I've mentioned before, I live in a culture of thin people. These people adore food. In fact, there are so many television programs devoted to it that show people lavishly enjoying food that it borders on pornography. This culture has a far healthier relationship with food than Americans, and it has nothing to do with exercise clubs, BMIs, or living in a home devoid of treats. It has to do with food and exercise occupying a psychologically healthy context in their existence. These things do not define them. They are defined by far richer aspects of their lives.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason the culture I currently reside in has a better relationship with food is that they are homogenous rather than diverse and feel a strong sense of identity from their broader culture. Americans, being highly individualized, struggle to work out who they are in a sea of diversity. We don't know who we are, so we cast about to redefine ourselves. Since we are from a consumerist culture, we tend to attach ourselves to that which we can buy. We associate ourselves with visible choices rather than with who we are inside. Frankly, we don't seem to know who we are inside so we define ourselves as a fan of a type of music, a follower of a particular religion, or by our pursuit of “healthy” habits.

Deep down, we're just following a tribe that gives us definition for a time and we still don't really know who the hell we are. The bigger that tribe is, the better we feel about our choice of identity. The more people who join the group, the stronger sense we have that the identity it gives us is a “good” one and therefore it makes us “good”. The more people who become “one of us, ” the easier it becomes to love ourselves and be happier with who we are.

Considering those emotional investments, is it any wonder that people have a strongly vested interest in making sure others live the same lifestyle as they do. Refusing to be one of them means rejecting them, not merely rejecting their habits. It's not that you personally make them uncomfortable or that they deeply care about your success, but rather that your rejection of their lifestyle choices makes them uncomfortable with themselves and uncertain about the path they are treading.