I don't read many fat acceptance blogs these days, nor do I read many weight loss ones. There are a few I follow as long as they don't get me too emotionally invested. As time goes by, both sides display such disordered and irrational thinking at times that it starts to feel more like I'm watching contestants in a bizarre reality show rather than witnessing real people operating in real life.
One thing which I know from long experience is that fat advocates hate it when diet zealots and gurus post comments to their blogs trying to "save" them. When the free-thinking fatties don't appreciate this type of intervention, the dietarians (my term) get increasingly hostile with them for not subscribing to their dogma. The fatties just want to be left alone in most cases and spread their message to those who need it. They want to support those who have done nothing but suffer in their attempts to lose weight and need to find a path to acceptance and self-love. All they wish for dietarians to do is to leave them alone and I think this is an eminently reasonable request.
That being said, I think that the door has to swing both ways on this issue and recently I read a blog post by a HAES advocate which shows that is not necessarily so. This person joined an organization for people who wish to lose weight and part of her purpose was to spread her gospel to women who she felt needed it. She described how most of them had been in the group for years and had been unsuccessful. This information is meant to illustrate that they needed what she was going to sneak in and attempt to sell them. She may be right. However, what she is planning to do is wrong.
There is no difference between what the HAES advocate is attempting to do in a well-meaning effort to quiet the psychological suffering of people who have tried to lose weight and failed but continue to try and what diet and weight loss advocates attempt to do to fat advocates. Both sides are convinced they are "right" and that the other side "needs" their message. Both sides are attempting to shoehorn their way into another person's chosen lifestyle in an egotistical attempt to "save them" from themselves. Both are prioritizing their viewpoints and agendas over that of others.
This sort of behavior on either side shows that people need desperately to be right and to coerce, cajole, persuade, or bully others into adopting their lifestyle. Dietarians have been doing it for a long time because they have societal approval at their backs and their sense of righteousness is generally more intense. As the oppressed minority, fatties have been generally more reserved about preaching to a choir that has attended their church voluntarily rather than going out and proselytizing to those who are clearly uninterested in their message.
My advice to both groups, and to everyone in general, is to offer your message to parties who are seeking it. Once you start going around trying to "convert" people who hold opposing views and goals, you have become "the enemy" and lose all credibility.*
*Note that I do not include things like commenting on blogs in opposition to what people are doing or saying in general. There is a difference between disagreeing on method, attitude, and details of what a person is doing and subscribing to an entirely different worldview/lifestyle. For example, telling someone that drinking 6 gallons of water per day when on a diet may not be the best option when you are also interested in losing weight is not the same as saying you shouldn't lose weight and love yourself as you are. I feel compelled to say this because I don't want people setting up a strawman to knock down as an absurdist argument against what I have just said. I'm not saying, "never post a dissenting opinion."
Showing posts with label fat advocacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat advocacy. Show all posts
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I don't want to want what I want
A very good HAES (health at every size) blogger recently said that we should give ourselves permission to eat whatever we want in the quantity we want to eat it in. This blogger is a nutritionist, and definitely knows more about the science of food than the likes of me. That being said, I'm pretty sure that I know more about the psychology of it than the likes of her.
Strange as it may sound, considering that I'm practicing restriction of my intake in order to lose weight, I agree with her. Only by eating whatever we want in the quantity we want can we place food in its proper and healthy place in our lives. By denying ourselves anything, we enhance its value and become more preoccupied with it. Humans tend to ruminate more on what is missing and at the heart of their desires than those things that they can have any time and in abundance.
My approach, which has seen me nibbling chocolate almost every single day, has always been to not place anything out of bounds for the aforementioned reason. Though this point is not addressed by this truly excellent blogger, I would guess that the place at which we might disagree is where we accept our "wants" as being ones that are conducive to our own happiness and well-being. The problem isn't eating as much as you want of whatever you want, it's "the wants" themselves that need to be dealt with.
All of my life, there have been things I have wanted which I could not have. One of those things was a guy I was in love with for over a decade who did not return my affections. Another was a lot of money. Yet another was a certain type of job. In the first case, had I gotten the guy I wanted, I would not have been happy, in retrospect, our characters would have been like gasoline and fire. I didn't know that I would want the type of man I got, but when he came along, I found that I not only wanted him, but needed him.
In regards to the type of job that I "wanted", I eventually got it. I wanted an office job which allowed me to work quietly and spend a lot of time in the peace of my own mind rather than the type of work which required me to be constantly engaged with other people in face-to-face situations. I found the latter exhausting and just wanted to escape that sort of job. I was so relieved when I got my "dream job", but it turned out that that work lead me down a path which ended in severe depression, loneliness, and substantial weight gain.
My point is that what we want isn't always what we need, nor is it necessarily what makes us happy. At one time, I wanted nothing more than to eat and eat and eat tasty food without having to pay a price in weight gain. I wanted to be one of those magical people who never gains weight despite eating all sorts of high calorie foods. I can't say what my life would be like is I were one of those people, but it's not something I can acquire anyway.
The thing that needs adjusting isn't the amount or type of food that we eat. The shape of the "want" is what needs to be changed. It's no problem now eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want because I've psychologically changed such that the quantity I want is a bite or two of chocolate once or twice a day. I really don't want more than that, but I used to. Oh, how I used to want so much more!
My approach all along has been working on the shape of the "want" such that my desire scaled back to match what was within boundaries which were conducive to my health, both mental and physical. This was very hard, both physically and psychologically, because both my body and my mind were distorted by years of abuse of food. And, make no mistake, if your eating habits are making you sick (again, either mentally or physically), then you are abusing food. However, if you can work with your wants such that they are molded to promote a happy, healthy, and constructive life, you will be much more satisfied than if you simply accept your desires as they are.
One of the things I have come to realize is that, as Americans, we embrace and even celebrate our out-size desires. We applaud people who are capable of lives of excess without consequence, and gleefully trot out our schaudenfreude when they do so to their detriment. We wish to be them in the first case, and are happy at their downfall because we know it would be ours as well if we catered to our excessive appetites.
The answer to our problems with food does not lie in cramming our lifestyle into slots, holes, pegs, and routines which have a "healthy living" stamp of approval. It's not about eating vegetables, lean meat, and exercising or giving up all of the food which judgmental people have decided are "bad". The solution comes from addressing what we want, because we want too much, too often, and too badly. After dealing with the desires, the rest will sort itself out.
There are all sorts of books telling you what a specific group of people do in order to remain trim. They're full of details which you're supposed to be guided by which will then lead you to some magical state of satisfaction, health and beauty. The problem with those bits of advice is that they aren't what you want. They are what the people who the book is about desire. You can't follow in their footsteps because you want something else.
These differences in "want" are why the French and Japanese aren't fat. They aren't nibbling on a tiny cookie and wishing they could eat the whole bag. They aren't eating a chocolate croissant for breakfast and wishing they could chase it with a big pizza lunch. They're not fighting their desires because they don't have giant outsize desires and conflicted feelings about eating a damn piece of chocolate. Their desires are just different.
The solution is not to follow their specific actions, but to adjust your big, American desires. Stop beating yourself up about what you want and work on wanting differently. That doesn't mean living an ascetic life or never having an ice cream cone again. It does mean finding a good balance between pleasure and nutrition such that you get both in the right amounts for your particular physiology. And, no, it's not easy, because this is about psychology and changing your head is never simple. It is, however, a way to eat whatever you want, whenever you want in whatever quantity you want and still be at peace with your choices.
Strange as it may sound, considering that I'm practicing restriction of my intake in order to lose weight, I agree with her. Only by eating whatever we want in the quantity we want can we place food in its proper and healthy place in our lives. By denying ourselves anything, we enhance its value and become more preoccupied with it. Humans tend to ruminate more on what is missing and at the heart of their desires than those things that they can have any time and in abundance.
My approach, which has seen me nibbling chocolate almost every single day, has always been to not place anything out of bounds for the aforementioned reason. Though this point is not addressed by this truly excellent blogger, I would guess that the place at which we might disagree is where we accept our "wants" as being ones that are conducive to our own happiness and well-being. The problem isn't eating as much as you want of whatever you want, it's "the wants" themselves that need to be dealt with.
All of my life, there have been things I have wanted which I could not have. One of those things was a guy I was in love with for over a decade who did not return my affections. Another was a lot of money. Yet another was a certain type of job. In the first case, had I gotten the guy I wanted, I would not have been happy, in retrospect, our characters would have been like gasoline and fire. I didn't know that I would want the type of man I got, but when he came along, I found that I not only wanted him, but needed him.
In regards to the type of job that I "wanted", I eventually got it. I wanted an office job which allowed me to work quietly and spend a lot of time in the peace of my own mind rather than the type of work which required me to be constantly engaged with other people in face-to-face situations. I found the latter exhausting and just wanted to escape that sort of job. I was so relieved when I got my "dream job", but it turned out that that work lead me down a path which ended in severe depression, loneliness, and substantial weight gain.
My point is that what we want isn't always what we need, nor is it necessarily what makes us happy. At one time, I wanted nothing more than to eat and eat and eat tasty food without having to pay a price in weight gain. I wanted to be one of those magical people who never gains weight despite eating all sorts of high calorie foods. I can't say what my life would be like is I were one of those people, but it's not something I can acquire anyway.
The thing that needs adjusting isn't the amount or type of food that we eat. The shape of the "want" is what needs to be changed. It's no problem now eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want because I've psychologically changed such that the quantity I want is a bite or two of chocolate once or twice a day. I really don't want more than that, but I used to. Oh, how I used to want so much more!
My approach all along has been working on the shape of the "want" such that my desire scaled back to match what was within boundaries which were conducive to my health, both mental and physical. This was very hard, both physically and psychologically, because both my body and my mind were distorted by years of abuse of food. And, make no mistake, if your eating habits are making you sick (again, either mentally or physically), then you are abusing food. However, if you can work with your wants such that they are molded to promote a happy, healthy, and constructive life, you will be much more satisfied than if you simply accept your desires as they are.
One of the things I have come to realize is that, as Americans, we embrace and even celebrate our out-size desires. We applaud people who are capable of lives of excess without consequence, and gleefully trot out our schaudenfreude when they do so to their detriment. We wish to be them in the first case, and are happy at their downfall because we know it would be ours as well if we catered to our excessive appetites.
The answer to our problems with food does not lie in cramming our lifestyle into slots, holes, pegs, and routines which have a "healthy living" stamp of approval. It's not about eating vegetables, lean meat, and exercising or giving up all of the food which judgmental people have decided are "bad". The solution comes from addressing what we want, because we want too much, too often, and too badly. After dealing with the desires, the rest will sort itself out.
There are all sorts of books telling you what a specific group of people do in order to remain trim. They're full of details which you're supposed to be guided by which will then lead you to some magical state of satisfaction, health and beauty. The problem with those bits of advice is that they aren't what you want. They are what the people who the book is about desire. You can't follow in their footsteps because you want something else.
These differences in "want" are why the French and Japanese aren't fat. They aren't nibbling on a tiny cookie and wishing they could eat the whole bag. They aren't eating a chocolate croissant for breakfast and wishing they could chase it with a big pizza lunch. They're not fighting their desires because they don't have giant outsize desires and conflicted feelings about eating a damn piece of chocolate. Their desires are just different.
The solution is not to follow their specific actions, but to adjust your big, American desires. Stop beating yourself up about what you want and work on wanting differently. That doesn't mean living an ascetic life or never having an ice cream cone again. It does mean finding a good balance between pleasure and nutrition such that you get both in the right amounts for your particular physiology. And, no, it's not easy, because this is about psychology and changing your head is never simple. It is, however, a way to eat whatever you want, whenever you want in whatever quantity you want and still be at peace with your choices.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Rights Denied
Recently, I was pondering how eating disorders are born. Part of the reason for this is my own experience, but another reason was that I saw documentary which showed women who suffered from anorexia and bulimia. Watching these women operate around food, one couldn't help but see that they consistently denied their right to eat, and when they granted themselves the right to enjoy food, they denied themselves the right to be nourished by it and vomited it back up.
I also have been having several days in a row in which I have been incredibly hungry and denying myself the right to feel sated. I finally relented and did something I do occasionally, and just ate. In fact, I ate too much. That is to say that I ate more than necessary to feel sated. I wonder if I did that because of a pent up need to allow myself to do what I wanted to do, rather than simply to be "full" for a change. At any rate, at the end, I didn't beat myself up or anything because that's not what I do. I just get back on the horse the next day and all is fine. Everybody eats a little too much on occasion. I have that right, too, don't I? Well, apparently not... if I'm fat, I don't have the right to eat to maintain my weight, let alone to ever eat beyond my caloric requirements. This would make my thinking pattern not altogether different from that of anorexic women. They also do not feel they should eat more than necessary. They just set the bar very low for what they feel is required.
I was thinking about the pattern that many women (and sometimes men) experience in which they start to question their right to eat. That moment starts with some sort of notion that their body is inadequate and would be less so if they didn't eat. This is a message that goes beyond personal desire to be a different body type. It's something which is reinforced by family, media and society on the whole. If you're fat, you don't have the right to eat certain foods. In fact, they'd rather you simply fasted until you shed all of your unsightly weight. The people who glance with disgust into your shopping cart, the ones who snort with derision when you eat at a fast food place, and those who walk up to you when you're having an ice cream cone and tell you that you really shouldn't be eating that are letting you know in no uncertain terms that you don't have the basic right to eat whatever you want.
For fat people, this curtailing of rights expands through time. You not only don't have the right to eat what other people eat, but you also don't have the right to wear certain types of clothes. You should cover the shamefulness of your bulbous body with dark, billowy fabrics. Cover your batwings and rounded calves. Don't accentuate those chubby ankles, and, for God's sake, don't wear horizontal stripes.
You're also told that you don't have the right to be loved like people who are not fat, and that you only deserve lesser partners. The partners that choose you (because, you know, you certainly have no choice since you're fat and nobody wants you) must be lacking in some way themselves if they would "settle" for a fat partner.
We don't have the right to be lazy. This is something I have had an issue with all of my life. I'm "not allowed" to spend a day lazing around in front of the T.V. I have to prove I'm not your typical "lazy fat ass" by running myself ragged everyday. I only allow myself to rest when ill or injured, and even then I complain the entire time because I don't like being "down". I've completely forgotten how to enjoy doing nothing because I have no right to let go and do nothing.
Frankly, many people would like to deny you the right to even appear in public. You are so abhorrent to their sensibilities, that they would prefer to deny you autonomy, if only they could. While they can't do it legally, they can shame and ridicule you to the point where you will choose to deny yourself the right to be in public and hide in your home to the extent humanly possible.
The worst part of all of this is that it is all too easy to internalize the idea that as a fat person you don't have the right to enjoy food, be loved, dress attractively, or to be in public. You deny yourself those rights and as you do so, you devalue yourself as a person. You accept that your size renders you sub-human and passively comply with the wishes of those who detest you.
I've been a victim of this all of my life, and sometimes had the strength to act in defiance of such notions, but often have felt beaten down by them. Only recently have I realized what rights I've denied myself because I've found myself in a position to grant them again to myself. I'm still fat, but not hugely so, and I'm starting to feel that I have the right to be seen, eat good food, and be loved. I have the right to eat when I'm hungry. The fact that I have to offer myself special dispensation for that says a lot about how the people around me have shaped my sense of self, and my sense of my rights and value as a human being.
The fact that people would reinforce the notion that I don't deserve these same rights as other human beings based merely on body size makes me angry, but that anger really has no place to go. I know that nothing is going to change and that I am powerless to do anything about the oppressive nature of people's views toward and actions against people who are overweight. The only thing I can do is remember, understand, and never deny myself these rights again.
I also have been having several days in a row in which I have been incredibly hungry and denying myself the right to feel sated. I finally relented and did something I do occasionally, and just ate. In fact, I ate too much. That is to say that I ate more than necessary to feel sated. I wonder if I did that because of a pent up need to allow myself to do what I wanted to do, rather than simply to be "full" for a change. At any rate, at the end, I didn't beat myself up or anything because that's not what I do. I just get back on the horse the next day and all is fine. Everybody eats a little too much on occasion. I have that right, too, don't I? Well, apparently not... if I'm fat, I don't have the right to eat to maintain my weight, let alone to ever eat beyond my caloric requirements. This would make my thinking pattern not altogether different from that of anorexic women. They also do not feel they should eat more than necessary. They just set the bar very low for what they feel is required.
I was thinking about the pattern that many women (and sometimes men) experience in which they start to question their right to eat. That moment starts with some sort of notion that their body is inadequate and would be less so if they didn't eat. This is a message that goes beyond personal desire to be a different body type. It's something which is reinforced by family, media and society on the whole. If you're fat, you don't have the right to eat certain foods. In fact, they'd rather you simply fasted until you shed all of your unsightly weight. The people who glance with disgust into your shopping cart, the ones who snort with derision when you eat at a fast food place, and those who walk up to you when you're having an ice cream cone and tell you that you really shouldn't be eating that are letting you know in no uncertain terms that you don't have the basic right to eat whatever you want.
For fat people, this curtailing of rights expands through time. You not only don't have the right to eat what other people eat, but you also don't have the right to wear certain types of clothes. You should cover the shamefulness of your bulbous body with dark, billowy fabrics. Cover your batwings and rounded calves. Don't accentuate those chubby ankles, and, for God's sake, don't wear horizontal stripes.
You're also told that you don't have the right to be loved like people who are not fat, and that you only deserve lesser partners. The partners that choose you (because, you know, you certainly have no choice since you're fat and nobody wants you) must be lacking in some way themselves if they would "settle" for a fat partner.
We don't have the right to be lazy. This is something I have had an issue with all of my life. I'm "not allowed" to spend a day lazing around in front of the T.V. I have to prove I'm not your typical "lazy fat ass" by running myself ragged everyday. I only allow myself to rest when ill or injured, and even then I complain the entire time because I don't like being "down". I've completely forgotten how to enjoy doing nothing because I have no right to let go and do nothing.
Frankly, many people would like to deny you the right to even appear in public. You are so abhorrent to their sensibilities, that they would prefer to deny you autonomy, if only they could. While they can't do it legally, they can shame and ridicule you to the point where you will choose to deny yourself the right to be in public and hide in your home to the extent humanly possible.
The worst part of all of this is that it is all too easy to internalize the idea that as a fat person you don't have the right to enjoy food, be loved, dress attractively, or to be in public. You deny yourself those rights and as you do so, you devalue yourself as a person. You accept that your size renders you sub-human and passively comply with the wishes of those who detest you.
I've been a victim of this all of my life, and sometimes had the strength to act in defiance of such notions, but often have felt beaten down by them. Only recently have I realized what rights I've denied myself because I've found myself in a position to grant them again to myself. I'm still fat, but not hugely so, and I'm starting to feel that I have the right to be seen, eat good food, and be loved. I have the right to eat when I'm hungry. The fact that I have to offer myself special dispensation for that says a lot about how the people around me have shaped my sense of self, and my sense of my rights and value as a human being.
The fact that people would reinforce the notion that I don't deserve these same rights as other human beings based merely on body size makes me angry, but that anger really has no place to go. I know that nothing is going to change and that I am powerless to do anything about the oppressive nature of people's views toward and actions against people who are overweight. The only thing I can do is remember, understand, and never deny myself these rights again.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
America, the free to do anything but be fat
I often hear or read comments about the weight of American people. Many non-American bloggers and commenters who have visited the U.S. or met Americans in their home countries talk about how disgusted they are to see all of the wobble bottoms hugging each other in greeting at airports. They mention how massive and unhealthy everyone looks. They express disgust that these people don't "do something about" their weight or look after their health.
One fellow in particular, a professional writer, wrote about how he lived abroad, and during a year-long stay, he effortlessly lost 10 lbs. He said that this loss was due to working long hours of overtime and not having any time to eat. In the same piece, he wrote that he felt irritated with American folks who were overweight (like himself) that he saw walking around this foreign country. He reiterated the oft-stated notion that his disdain for them stemmed from the fact that they didn't "try" to lose weight. Never mind that he wrote by the end of the post that he regained the weight he lost after going back to the U.S. and not having to work 12-hour days.
I'm sure one thing that all fat people find very frustrating is the pat judgment of strangers who decide with a glance that they aren't "trying" or "doing something about" their situation. Many people are "trying" and many are having various levels of success. You can't tell with a glance that someone has been losing weight or living a healthier lifestyle if they are in the process of getting fitter. Here I am, a bit under 245 lbs., down from 380 lbs., and the judgmental jerk who wrote the post in the aforementioned post would dismiss me as another American fatty who couldn't be bothered to improve her lot.
All of this is actually beside the point. The truth of the matter is that fat people don't have to do anything about their bodies. It's nobody's business how they live their lives. They are not obliged in any way to "do something about" their weight or even their health. Just because society is currently in the throes of a zeitgeist which puts a big stamp which has huge red "A-P-P-R-O-V-A-L" letters on it when it comes to fat prejudice doesn't mean everyone has the right to decide how we should live our lives. I choose to lose weight because it's what I need to do for myself. I shouldn't be pressured to do it because others have decided I'm "bad."
The interesting aspect to me about this is that America is supposed to be built on the ideas of personal freedom and individuality, yet these seem to be tossed aside when the topic comes to weight. Rather than respect a person's right to live, look, and eat the way they choose, immense pressure comes to bear on them from all sides. The government wants you to lose weight. Your family and friends want you to. Random strangers definitely want you to.
The thing that makes me angriest about all of the arguments about the "obesity epidemic" is that a plethora of arguments are made to make my problem (being fat) your problem. This ranges from ridiculous (correlation, not causation) studies which suggest becoming fat is contagious to bitter arguments about health costs which are utterly inaccurate. The truth is that fatties save money for society on the whole as they die earlier and therefore do not require as much in the way of long-term care expenses or pension payments. The extent to which people will go to rationalize and validate fat prejudice is impressive, and it's also just a big cover-up for their inability to simply see themselves for what they are, shallow, small-minded, judgmental bigots who judge people based solely on appearance.
One fellow in particular, a professional writer, wrote about how he lived abroad, and during a year-long stay, he effortlessly lost 10 lbs. He said that this loss was due to working long hours of overtime and not having any time to eat. In the same piece, he wrote that he felt irritated with American folks who were overweight (like himself) that he saw walking around this foreign country. He reiterated the oft-stated notion that his disdain for them stemmed from the fact that they didn't "try" to lose weight. Never mind that he wrote by the end of the post that he regained the weight he lost after going back to the U.S. and not having to work 12-hour days.
I'm sure one thing that all fat people find very frustrating is the pat judgment of strangers who decide with a glance that they aren't "trying" or "doing something about" their situation. Many people are "trying" and many are having various levels of success. You can't tell with a glance that someone has been losing weight or living a healthier lifestyle if they are in the process of getting fitter. Here I am, a bit under 245 lbs., down from 380 lbs., and the judgmental jerk who wrote the post in the aforementioned post would dismiss me as another American fatty who couldn't be bothered to improve her lot.
All of this is actually beside the point. The truth of the matter is that fat people don't have to do anything about their bodies. It's nobody's business how they live their lives. They are not obliged in any way to "do something about" their weight or even their health. Just because society is currently in the throes of a zeitgeist which puts a big stamp which has huge red "A-P-P-R-O-V-A-L" letters on it when it comes to fat prejudice doesn't mean everyone has the right to decide how we should live our lives. I choose to lose weight because it's what I need to do for myself. I shouldn't be pressured to do it because others have decided I'm "bad."
The interesting aspect to me about this is that America is supposed to be built on the ideas of personal freedom and individuality, yet these seem to be tossed aside when the topic comes to weight. Rather than respect a person's right to live, look, and eat the way they choose, immense pressure comes to bear on them from all sides. The government wants you to lose weight. Your family and friends want you to. Random strangers definitely want you to.
The thing that makes me angriest about all of the arguments about the "obesity epidemic" is that a plethora of arguments are made to make my problem (being fat) your problem. This ranges from ridiculous (correlation, not causation) studies which suggest becoming fat is contagious to bitter arguments about health costs which are utterly inaccurate. The truth is that fatties save money for society on the whole as they die earlier and therefore do not require as much in the way of long-term care expenses or pension payments. The extent to which people will go to rationalize and validate fat prejudice is impressive, and it's also just a big cover-up for their inability to simply see themselves for what they are, shallow, small-minded, judgmental bigots who judge people based solely on appearance.
Friday, June 4, 2010
"Diets Don't Work"
Quite some time ago, I decided that there were certain aspects to my basic character that I did not like. I didn’t dislike them because other people disapproved of them or felt they were objectionable. Though that would certainly be true, I disliked them because these traits and tendencies tended to decrease my quality of life in very palpable ways.
In particular, I had (and still have to some extent) problems with temper and anxiety. I would become very angry at my husband and harass him for an extended period of time over some small thing that he did or did not do. I would become incensed and ruminate on some social injustice or rude behavior directed my way. My feelings in such cases were a raging forest fire that had to burn itself out through time and, sometimes, explosive catharsis.
In terms of anxiety, I would often fixate on a fear (sometimes a quite reasonable one) and keep myself awake at night obsessing on the worst possible outcome of a situation. I would take the tiniest grain of worry and spin it into a big web of difficulty and stress. Reality rarely matched my tapestry of suffering and difficulty, but I would repeatedly lose sleep and tie myself in knots worrying about something I couldn’t control.
At some point in time, perhaps 15 years ago, perhaps less, I decided that this was not the way I wanted to live my life both in terms of how I felt and how I made my husband feel. As most people are well aware, basic character traits and responses are very, very difficult to change, but I not only wanted to change, but I needed to do so. My misery at my behavior and mental patterns was profound and I initially had no idea where to start to change without suppressing something that seemed uncontrollably fierce and in need of expression.
As I had outbursts and spun worry webs that brought me so close to the brink of insanity that I thought I’d rather be dead than continue to suffer the way I had been, I started to tell myself that I simply had to stop the thought and temper train before it crashed at the end of the line. Each time, I found myself in a state of misery and frustration, I tried to pull myself out of it before I wore myself out. Mainly, this involved a mental process where I told myself that I simply had to “stop”. When I ruminated endlessly on some potentially horrible outcome, I would remind myself of similar situations and the fact that the worst outcome didn’t occur. Indeed, I reminded myself that I rarely experienced any negative result at all. At the early stages of this process, I would tell myself to “stop” (literally) and then my mind would invariably drift back into the fretting groove and I’d have to say “stop” again and again to pull it back out of that groove. Sometimes, I'd be ruminating on the same topic within moments of instructing myself to "stop". The more I did this, the faster the process became. The more I pulled myself out of that process, the less often I fell into that well-worn temper and worry groove.
I think our lifestyle and mental processes are dictated by the equivalent of a well-worn mental (as in neuro-chemcial) pathway, and we only reluctantly pull ourselves away from that path. In many ways, it is the choice to walk down the hill and into the same rut than to walk up the hill where there is a better path. We will always be drawn down into the easy, familiar manner and it’s very hard to make our way out. This applies to all areas of life, including food and lifestyle.
I was reading a blog post recently about the fantasy of being thin, which trots out the idea (again) that “diets don’t work.” The truth is that diets work just fine. The thing that doesn’t work is people making permanent lifestyle changes that allow them to maintain or continue the losses they have experienced during the period when they are "on a diet". Many change too much too quickly, eat in too Spartan a fashion (which is unsustainable and makes them resent their sacrifices), focus on the mechanics over the results (being a “good girl”), or take an “all or nothing approach” which is self-defeating. This is not something that people can really be blamed for (and they really shouldn't be), as I think we naturally gravitate back to the lifestyle that we have always led because that is the familiar groove, and we are often served biologically or psychologically by our choices. We may be able to force ourselves out of that familiar lifestyle rut for a short while, but invariably we drift back to where our mental processes are most comfortable.
The main problem with diet changes is that they are too focused upon the mechanical rather than on the mental or the “big picture” of life. People need to understand their tendencies and how to alter them slowly and through time. Since I had already succeeded in slowly (and with great difficulty) steering myself away from very strongly ingrained life-long destructive thought patterns and impulses, I already had experience with a process of altering my character and behavior on a fairly fundamental level and I have confidence that I will be able to maintain the lifestyle changes I’ve put into practice over the past year indefinitely. I've done this work before, just in a different area.
I also have experience with the inconsistency of this type of process. That is, sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed to control my temper and worrying. Sometimes, I fail miserably (though this is very, very rare these days - maybe once or twice a year I'll have a meltdown), but I keep at it and on the whole have succeeded. I am a much calmer and more at peace person than I once was, and it’s not because I simply gave up and accepted myself as a hothead who couldn’t help but worry all of the time. Many people simply play the "Popeye" card ("I y'am what I 'yam") and use it to justify (to themselves, they don't need to do so to anyone else) not changing even when their behavior hurts themselves or those around them.
In many ways, I wonder if many people in the fat acceptance movement have essentially thrown in the towel and given up on themselves. Of course, that is their option, but to tar anyone who hasn’t done so as somehow buying into a social agenda which is critical of all but ideal body weights or a thinness fantasy that punishes fatness is rather unfair. We are not all driven by the same forces when it comes to personal change, and just as a fat person doesn’t have to justify remaining fat, one who chooses to lose weight does not have to justify doing so. I am not losing weight because I think being thin (I actually don't think I'll be "thin", just a lot less fat) will magically transform my life. Frankly, other than my weight, my life is pretty good and doesn't need transformation.
I am losing weight for the same reason that I labored to alter my temper and fretfulness; this is an aspect of my life which is bringing me misery and I'm sick of suffering on multiple levels. And yes, one is social stigma. If fat acceptance advocates want to see that as a point of condemnation for me, they are free to do so. However, I have to live in the real world and get a different job in the future in a world which judges people by weight. Believing that your acceptance of your body at a large size will translate into societal acceptance is just as much "magical thinking" as thinking that being thin will solve all of your problems. No amount of wishing will change the reality that there is widespread prejudice against fat people and we can't change anyone's thinking but our own.
I think those who want to change their relationship with food have to deal with it as a process. Your mind and body want to maintain what was always so, and the only way to change that for good is to curb your impulses and deal with your desires and needs through time. It’s a battle that has to be fought and lost or won again and again. Too many people look at “diets” as a one-off deal. They eat differently, exercise more, and then they are thin and “normal” and can live a "normal" life. For most people who are fat, particularly those like me who have been fat all of their lives, it is never going to stop being a fight against your natural impulses. Eventually, the battles will become fewer and further between, and you will find them easier to win.
"Diets" work the same way medication for chronic conditions do. If you continue to take medication, you can control the symptoms or disease. If you stop, you will become ill and suffer symptoms. If you continue to eat like a person of a certain weight, you will continue to be a person of a certain weight. It isn't easy to alter your life to eat less food than you might prefer by default (just like I may have preferred by default to get angry or worry) every single day of your life, but it does work. Making the change is a mental process that you have to keep at until it becomes closer to second nature. Whether or not you choose to make that change and fight that fight is simply personal, and shouldn't be judged by anyone whether that decision is to remain fat or to lose weight.
In particular, I had (and still have to some extent) problems with temper and anxiety. I would become very angry at my husband and harass him for an extended period of time over some small thing that he did or did not do. I would become incensed and ruminate on some social injustice or rude behavior directed my way. My feelings in such cases were a raging forest fire that had to burn itself out through time and, sometimes, explosive catharsis.
In terms of anxiety, I would often fixate on a fear (sometimes a quite reasonable one) and keep myself awake at night obsessing on the worst possible outcome of a situation. I would take the tiniest grain of worry and spin it into a big web of difficulty and stress. Reality rarely matched my tapestry of suffering and difficulty, but I would repeatedly lose sleep and tie myself in knots worrying about something I couldn’t control.
At some point in time, perhaps 15 years ago, perhaps less, I decided that this was not the way I wanted to live my life both in terms of how I felt and how I made my husband feel. As most people are well aware, basic character traits and responses are very, very difficult to change, but I not only wanted to change, but I needed to do so. My misery at my behavior and mental patterns was profound and I initially had no idea where to start to change without suppressing something that seemed uncontrollably fierce and in need of expression.
As I had outbursts and spun worry webs that brought me so close to the brink of insanity that I thought I’d rather be dead than continue to suffer the way I had been, I started to tell myself that I simply had to stop the thought and temper train before it crashed at the end of the line. Each time, I found myself in a state of misery and frustration, I tried to pull myself out of it before I wore myself out. Mainly, this involved a mental process where I told myself that I simply had to “stop”. When I ruminated endlessly on some potentially horrible outcome, I would remind myself of similar situations and the fact that the worst outcome didn’t occur. Indeed, I reminded myself that I rarely experienced any negative result at all. At the early stages of this process, I would tell myself to “stop” (literally) and then my mind would invariably drift back into the fretting groove and I’d have to say “stop” again and again to pull it back out of that groove. Sometimes, I'd be ruminating on the same topic within moments of instructing myself to "stop". The more I did this, the faster the process became. The more I pulled myself out of that process, the less often I fell into that well-worn temper and worry groove.
I think our lifestyle and mental processes are dictated by the equivalent of a well-worn mental (as in neuro-chemcial) pathway, and we only reluctantly pull ourselves away from that path. In many ways, it is the choice to walk down the hill and into the same rut than to walk up the hill where there is a better path. We will always be drawn down into the easy, familiar manner and it’s very hard to make our way out. This applies to all areas of life, including food and lifestyle.
I was reading a blog post recently about the fantasy of being thin, which trots out the idea (again) that “diets don’t work.” The truth is that diets work just fine. The thing that doesn’t work is people making permanent lifestyle changes that allow them to maintain or continue the losses they have experienced during the period when they are "on a diet". Many change too much too quickly, eat in too Spartan a fashion (which is unsustainable and makes them resent their sacrifices), focus on the mechanics over the results (being a “good girl”), or take an “all or nothing approach” which is self-defeating. This is not something that people can really be blamed for (and they really shouldn't be), as I think we naturally gravitate back to the lifestyle that we have always led because that is the familiar groove, and we are often served biologically or psychologically by our choices. We may be able to force ourselves out of that familiar lifestyle rut for a short while, but invariably we drift back to where our mental processes are most comfortable.
The main problem with diet changes is that they are too focused upon the mechanical rather than on the mental or the “big picture” of life. People need to understand their tendencies and how to alter them slowly and through time. Since I had already succeeded in slowly (and with great difficulty) steering myself away from very strongly ingrained life-long destructive thought patterns and impulses, I already had experience with a process of altering my character and behavior on a fairly fundamental level and I have confidence that I will be able to maintain the lifestyle changes I’ve put into practice over the past year indefinitely. I've done this work before, just in a different area.
I also have experience with the inconsistency of this type of process. That is, sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed to control my temper and worrying. Sometimes, I fail miserably (though this is very, very rare these days - maybe once or twice a year I'll have a meltdown), but I keep at it and on the whole have succeeded. I am a much calmer and more at peace person than I once was, and it’s not because I simply gave up and accepted myself as a hothead who couldn’t help but worry all of the time. Many people simply play the "Popeye" card ("I y'am what I 'yam") and use it to justify (to themselves, they don't need to do so to anyone else) not changing even when their behavior hurts themselves or those around them.
In many ways, I wonder if many people in the fat acceptance movement have essentially thrown in the towel and given up on themselves. Of course, that is their option, but to tar anyone who hasn’t done so as somehow buying into a social agenda which is critical of all but ideal body weights or a thinness fantasy that punishes fatness is rather unfair. We are not all driven by the same forces when it comes to personal change, and just as a fat person doesn’t have to justify remaining fat, one who chooses to lose weight does not have to justify doing so. I am not losing weight because I think being thin (I actually don't think I'll be "thin", just a lot less fat) will magically transform my life. Frankly, other than my weight, my life is pretty good and doesn't need transformation.
I am losing weight for the same reason that I labored to alter my temper and fretfulness; this is an aspect of my life which is bringing me misery and I'm sick of suffering on multiple levels. And yes, one is social stigma. If fat acceptance advocates want to see that as a point of condemnation for me, they are free to do so. However, I have to live in the real world and get a different job in the future in a world which judges people by weight. Believing that your acceptance of your body at a large size will translate into societal acceptance is just as much "magical thinking" as thinking that being thin will solve all of your problems. No amount of wishing will change the reality that there is widespread prejudice against fat people and we can't change anyone's thinking but our own.
I think those who want to change their relationship with food have to deal with it as a process. Your mind and body want to maintain what was always so, and the only way to change that for good is to curb your impulses and deal with your desires and needs through time. It’s a battle that has to be fought and lost or won again and again. Too many people look at “diets” as a one-off deal. They eat differently, exercise more, and then they are thin and “normal” and can live a "normal" life. For most people who are fat, particularly those like me who have been fat all of their lives, it is never going to stop being a fight against your natural impulses. Eventually, the battles will become fewer and further between, and you will find them easier to win.
"Diets" work the same way medication for chronic conditions do. If you continue to take medication, you can control the symptoms or disease. If you stop, you will become ill and suffer symptoms. If you continue to eat like a person of a certain weight, you will continue to be a person of a certain weight. It isn't easy to alter your life to eat less food than you might prefer by default (just like I may have preferred by default to get angry or worry) every single day of your life, but it does work. Making the change is a mental process that you have to keep at until it becomes closer to second nature. Whether or not you choose to make that change and fight that fight is simply personal, and shouldn't be judged by anyone whether that decision is to remain fat or to lose weight.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Building an Angry Fat World
Recently, I posed a question for the proprietress of the Fatshionista blog about whether or not she would accept an offer to wake up at an "appropriate" weight tomorrow should a magic fairy proffer such an offer. Further, I asked if ones level of true fat acceptance would be mirrored in the reply. Her response was thoughtful and considered, and I appreciated that very much. I think it spoke well to her level of body acceptance and the manner in which she regards others. The commenters, on the other hand, ascribed various motivations to me based on their paranoia and anger.
Among the motivations I was ascribed were that of setting a trap for fat acceptance advocates or creating a "litmus test". Some people clearly assumed that a thin person or a person who was a diet fiend of some sort had asked the question. I guess to some people, the fact that I am losing weight would make me an "enemy" of fat-acceptance (I should state that I accept fat on other people, I just can't accept it on myself for many reasons as I've mentioned in past posts). The truth was that I asked it because it was a notion that occurred to me, and felt it was pretty much simply an interesting idea to kick around. Certainly there are many people who would like to wake up tomorrow at their ideal weight, and I think that you can say "yes, I'd like to be my ideal weight tomorrow" and still be an advocate of bodily acceptance. That being said, it would say something about the extent to which you believe society will adopt fat acceptance if you say "yes". If you say, "no", then perhaps it is a reflection of your (lack of authentic) hopefulness that what you are striving for will come to fruition.
At any rate, I understand why the commenters concluded what they did. I have been in the paranoid fat girl seat more than once. Someone says or does something and I get mad and ascribe it to their intolerance of my weight or their anti-fatness agenda. Of course, sometimes (perhaps even often), that is their motivation. However, I have endeavored to be less defensive and angry as the years have gone by. I try to ignore it, or ascribe some other motive, but I have had less than complete success.
I think a big reason why we need fat acceptance and advocates who want the judging to stop is reflected in the low-key hostility that shone through in the commenters' words. They were defensive and went on the offensive in some cases. People don't become like this in a vacuum. It's the result of being fat and being attacked all of the time in a variety of ways. Anti-fat bigotry, doesn't make us thinner, it just makes us madder.
Among the motivations I was ascribed were that of setting a trap for fat acceptance advocates or creating a "litmus test". Some people clearly assumed that a thin person or a person who was a diet fiend of some sort had asked the question. I guess to some people, the fact that I am losing weight would make me an "enemy" of fat-acceptance (I should state that I accept fat on other people, I just can't accept it on myself for many reasons as I've mentioned in past posts). The truth was that I asked it because it was a notion that occurred to me, and felt it was pretty much simply an interesting idea to kick around. Certainly there are many people who would like to wake up tomorrow at their ideal weight, and I think that you can say "yes, I'd like to be my ideal weight tomorrow" and still be an advocate of bodily acceptance. That being said, it would say something about the extent to which you believe society will adopt fat acceptance if you say "yes". If you say, "no", then perhaps it is a reflection of your (lack of authentic) hopefulness that what you are striving for will come to fruition.
At any rate, I understand why the commenters concluded what they did. I have been in the paranoid fat girl seat more than once. Someone says or does something and I get mad and ascribe it to their intolerance of my weight or their anti-fatness agenda. Of course, sometimes (perhaps even often), that is their motivation. However, I have endeavored to be less defensive and angry as the years have gone by. I try to ignore it, or ascribe some other motive, but I have had less than complete success.
I think a big reason why we need fat acceptance and advocates who want the judging to stop is reflected in the low-key hostility that shone through in the commenters' words. They were defensive and went on the offensive in some cases. People don't become like this in a vacuum. It's the result of being fat and being attacked all of the time in a variety of ways. Anti-fat bigotry, doesn't make us thinner, it just makes us madder.
Friday, May 7, 2010
"No Diet Day"
I read a lot of fat acceptance blogs because I'm on board with body acceptance and people being allowed to live their lives (and deal with the consequences) in any way they choose. That being said, I wish that the fat acceptance advocates would separate their anti-diet agenda from their fat acceptance agenda. It is possible to accept your body as is, but not be against weight loss as an idea. Many people would want to lose weight even without the social stigma attached to being fat because it generally makes movement easier, reduces stress on joints and bones, and improves energy.
Apparently, "no diet day" was several days ago and a lot of the fat acceptance blogs took this as an opportunity to offer up "evidence" and opinions that dieting (as in calorie restriction or food control) is bad for you. There was everything from the idea that dieting will cause cancer and heart disease to the notion that it will make you gain weight. All of these conclusions are correlation and causation errors, but they are pointed at nonetheless as a means of supporting a "pro-fat" agenda. Restricting your eating doesn't cause you to gain weight, but many people do regain the weight they lose and more. That is a correlation, not a causation. Also, being overweight and changing your eating habits to lose weight causes stress which leads to a variety of illnesses like heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, but the dieting does not cause these diseases.
At any rate, I didn't observe "no diet day", because I think the idea is silly and frankly I have no urge to abandon my eating plan for a day. I don't need or want permission to overeat by some made-up international holiday. I'm not a diet and exercise zealot by any stretch of the imagination, and I think people's eating habits are their own business and their body size isn't the concern of anyone but themselves. That being said, I think that fat acceptance advocates aren't doing themselves or anyone else any favors by asserting the equivalent of "dieting kills."
Apparently, "no diet day" was several days ago and a lot of the fat acceptance blogs took this as an opportunity to offer up "evidence" and opinions that dieting (as in calorie restriction or food control) is bad for you. There was everything from the idea that dieting will cause cancer and heart disease to the notion that it will make you gain weight. All of these conclusions are correlation and causation errors, but they are pointed at nonetheless as a means of supporting a "pro-fat" agenda. Restricting your eating doesn't cause you to gain weight, but many people do regain the weight they lose and more. That is a correlation, not a causation. Also, being overweight and changing your eating habits to lose weight causes stress which leads to a variety of illnesses like heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, but the dieting does not cause these diseases.
At any rate, I didn't observe "no diet day", because I think the idea is silly and frankly I have no urge to abandon my eating plan for a day. I don't need or want permission to overeat by some made-up international holiday. I'm not a diet and exercise zealot by any stretch of the imagination, and I think people's eating habits are their own business and their body size isn't the concern of anyone but themselves. That being said, I think that fat acceptance advocates aren't doing themselves or anyone else any favors by asserting the equivalent of "dieting kills."
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