Wednesday, December 16, 2009


"Patience" is something I have to keep telling myself through gritted teeth. I'm so tired of my body that sometimes I just want to scream in frustration. I know I have to be patient, and as I've said before, I am absolutely not itching to reach the end so I can start eating more again. I'm on a plan for life now, but...

The thing I'm losing patience with is not looking better or being a significantly smaller size. I don't want to be stared at, pointed at, or made fun of anymore. I don't want to worry about fitting into chairs with handles or having to buy two seats if I go on an airplane. I'm sick of living my fat girl's fears. I'm tired of regarding my body with disgust and thinking everyone else is as well. I'm patient with being fat, just not this fat.

When I started my efforts, I don't know how much I weighed, but it was probably near 400 lbs. When I started blogging, I guessed I may have weighed 330-350, but I wonder now if it was more like 370-390. I've lost a lot, but I still look freaking huge. If I could bear it, I'd get on the scale, but I just can't handle knowing exactly how far I have yet to go.

Back when I lost weight in my late teens, I think I weighed nearly 300 lbs. At that time, I remember thinking that I would have found the whole endeavor more bearable if I just could have started out at 200 because then the road wouldn't have been so long and daunting. Now, that path seems like nothing compared to the one I've been traveling this time around.

When I stand in the shower, scrubbing my vast expanses of flesh, I find myself wishing I could bargain with my body and convince it to let me live in a nicer one if I promise never to overeat again and to take good care of myself. It's like I want to live in a better house before I've paid for it or finished the remodel, and want it to just give me what I want simply because I earnestly promise that I will do the work, and I will pay for it all. But, it doesn't work that way. there's no way of getting it now and paying for it later. I have to pay as I go, and sometimes the wait just crushes me.


justjuliebean said...

Patience is tough, I struggle with that one, too, have the whole time. There's really no other choice. I occasionally get tempted to try to speed things up, but experience has taught me that it'll backfire, thus really slowing it down.

So I just take a deep breath, and try to learn patience.

dlamb said...

Today, on my walk, I was accosted again, by an acquaintance with whom I've had, perhaps 3 conversations of no more than a minute or two. Not only am I a relatively private person in general, but I always have headphones on and I listen to books, mostly. I would think this would discourage more than a polite nod. Thankfully this is what I get, mostly. It is also what I am grateful for.

Today I had music on and one of my favorite songs was playing as the PERSONAL issue of my weight loss came up AGAIN. I usually smile politely and move on.
I cannot imagine people being stopped and being told that, let's say, they sound really lucid today. No, really, their psychosis seems to have really abated. What type of medication are they taking? There is such a huge difference, the last few months they've managed to behave positively normally! Or wow, look how your horrible acne has cleared up; I can actually see some clear skin patches on your face. Or good lord, look at you, you were bald as an egg, did you have a hair transplant or is that a rug?

I kept thinking, if I feel so invaded, so violated when CLEARLY I DO NOT WELCOME THIS SUBJECT, having lost 30 pounds (this time), how do people feel when they've been tortured over this issue, by strangers, family, friends, enemies, since childhood? I believe people should be sensitive and aware enough to know when somebody welcomes the subject and when not. I know I am preaching to the choir, but why not just have these kinds of exchanges with those who are enthusiastic about it? There are plenty of individuals who welcome the topic, will engage in an endless monologue and offer every detail of their weight loss journey, replete with pre and post pictures, daily menus and exercise regimen. They will do it anywhere, any time, with anybody. NOT everybody feels the same way and a modicum of social skills should inform the interlocutor who is who.
I know we've talked about this before and perhaps this may not be the best fit for the subject but as this song that I really like was playing at the time, I am offering it as a possibility. I hope it is not inappropriate for this setting and this subject:

screaming fatgirl said...

I'm especially fortunate that I lost weight under circumstances under which no one commented on my losses. I'm sure people noticed at some point or another, and certainly they did by the end, but they never uttered a word.

What you say about other issues is an important one, but I think people feel that weight is something which is becoming increasingly "public property" because of shows like "The Biggest Loser" in which people turn themselves over to be berated into losing weight. People get the idea more and more that fat people's bodies are theirs to control and comment on because they see it happening all the time.

I think that, if someone were to say such things to me now, my response would be, "I appreciate your interest in my life, but I don't talk about weight/food. However, if you'd like to ask me about my hobbies/interests/job, I'd be happy to discuss those subjects with you and I'm sure they'd be of far greater interest for both of us anyway."

Sometimes, you have to put limits on people who don't understand where the boundaries are unless someone sticks a fence in their face. That being said, the wall are very cultural. Though no one mentioned my weight loss in the Asian culture I lived in for so long, they do talk about it with each other including saying, "you're getting fat" or "you're getting thin." Most Asian cultures are pretty upfront about such things and they don't think it's rude. However, I think that we get to set boundaries regardless of culture. I don't know if people mean to be rude or if they mean to be encouraging, but I do know that I wouldn't want to discuss it either.

dlamb said...

I am SO very glad that I re-read through the posts again. I apologize for not realizing that you wrote such thoughtful, generous, considerate responses to my comments. I did not know they were there. I am aware, now, that if I click on "e-mail follow up comments" I may see your reply show up in my account (an account I only use in order to be able to post comments), but I probably did not remember to do that.
I really AM new at this blogging stuff, if even just a commenter. This time around I saw your replies and I was tempted to continue the dialogue but I believe that would be demanding in the sense that it might put pressure on you to reply again.
You truly are one of the most gracious of bloggers, responding to everyone and to every comment with such specifics and detailed points, almost like another post. Quite like a bonus post! :) I am very grateful and very impressed.I am only sorry that I did not know. It is quite out of character for me to ignore such behavior and not mention it.

screaming fatgirl said...

Thank you for your kind words. I can't reply to every comment, though I do try. Also, I don't check this blog everyday, and I feel a little bad that sometimes they aren't moderated for a few days. Unfortunately, my free time is such these days that I find it hard to get around to everything as quickly as I might like. I really do appreciate people who read this blog, perhaps more than my other blogs which I make money from! The people who read this are more "human" to me, and I feel that the discourse is of more value. If I am to leave any sort of legacy in writing, I feel that this one is more important than the others. That may be a bit self-aggrandizing, but it's meant to just reflect that I think the struggle I have endured and the way I have dealt with it should be something more people can relate to. Thank you, as always, for reading and taking the time to comment.