Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Another Number

Today, I caught a glimpse of my naked body reflected in a surface in our home, and I felt terribly discouraged. My lower body just looks so terrible despite all of the progress that I've made. My belly and behind are huge, and it seems like 90% of the weight I need to lose from this point on is concentrated in those areas.

I can't say that I felt "discouraged" because I had no thought of stopping what I'm doing and going back to the way I was. I think a better term would be "disheartened" or "disappointed" not to see more progress in my overall appearance. Mind you, this feeling isn't steeped in any desire to look good in general. It's mainly based on not wanting some parts of my body to look so massive that I continue to be gawked at and abused by strangers who feel it is their business to judge my body. If my weight loss had been more even, I think that I'd feel less self-conscious and attract a little less unwanted attention.

Because of this sense, I decided to weigh myself again, though I had planned not to get back on the scale until June. I think I had to gain some sense that progress was being made since it's hard these days for me to find it in other ways, and I guess I was seeking some reassurance that I was indeed still shrinking. I'm not so sure this was the best idea, but I can say that the results didn't trouble me. The scale was more inconsistent than usual and the numbers vacillated between 273-277. Last time I weighed myself, the number was 284 (on March 10), so this is not a bad result considering that I believe my period might be coming on in the near future and you never know where you are in the scheme of your body's rhythms. Also, I weighed myself early in the morning this time, and I did it late in the afternoon before. I tend to retain water and get swollen overnight (and I drink water through the night to moisten my mouth because I have allergies and get congested and can't breath through my nose). I'm sure some of this number is that water.

At any rate, the numbers didn't have too great an impact on me emotionally, though they provided some small reassurance that progress is being made even if I can't detect it visually at the moment. I'm starting to wonder if, because I don't buy new clothes or measure myself (too depressing and troublesome), I may have to start weighing myself once a month for progress checks because it's becoming more difficult to gauge my losses by so-called NSVs (non-scale victories). There is less of a contrast between "baggy" and "super baggy" clothes than "tight" and "loose". Right now, the greatest indicator of an NSV is the arms on my husbands office chair and the degree to which I fit into that chair.

I'm still wary of the potential emotional outcome of regular weigh-ins, but it's something I'll have to ponder at this stage if I don't want to go buying new clothes, measure myself, or find some other way of reassuring myself that progress is being made. Certainly I cannot trust that a visual appraisal of my bloated, sagging body is going to work. :-p Nonetheless, even a monthly weighing is something I will be wary of if in any way it creates an emotional issue.

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