Friday, November 13, 2009

(Almost) Clown Pants

I'm not a "girly" girl. I think this is the result of having grown up overweight and poor and building a character that was not very feminine as a result. Of course, I'm not a tomboy either since that carries with it certain elements of athleticism. Mainly, I've just felt like this blob of something. I often don't even feel human.

I never felt "pretty", so I am not drawn to pretty things. Clothes have never been of interest to me, nor have manicures, make-up, etc. There is no reward for me in buying new outfits because I don't feel I look good in anything. A lot of women who are losing weight talk about "rewarding" themselves for their efforts by buying girly things, but I can't think of much more inappropriate for me. My reward is simply feeling better in many ways. It's what I want and need, and I'm getting it parceled out by the drop as time goes by.

If you couple my lack of interest in clothes with my lack of desire to spend and waste money, you have someone who is currently between 50-60 lbs. down in weight and still wearing the same clothes. I've got 7 or 8 pairs of pants that I could wear at my highest weight and three or 4 of them were snugger than the others. The tighter pants fit okay for now, though they're also starting to suffer from "long pants" syndrome and are in need of a hemming. The other pants are starting to look like clown pants. The waist is elastic, so they don't fall down, but the bagginess is starting to get a bit out of hand. I imagine that they will be completely unwearable by spring of next year. I wish now that I hadn't thrown out so many of my somewhat smaller clothes several years ago. I "gave up" on ever wearing them again at one point and only kept around one pair.

I'm very reluctant to buy new interim clothes because I know that I'll be in transition for the next few years. I want to get everything I can out of the clothes I currently have first, even if it means walking around looking a bit goofy on occasion. The truth is that, given that people point or stare at me because of my weight anyway, it's rather hard to care about how my current clothes are fitting anyway.


Phat Fighter said...

I used to wear the most outrageously baggy clothes. I have a shapely body even for someone who weighs 350lbs. I carry a lot of muscle on me so I can hide some weight. I too felt the lack of enjoyment when it came to shopping. I dreaded it. it wasn't until about 7 years ago my best friend forced me to throw out most of my baggy clothes. She told me it was time to think better of myself. She made me go shopping, and with some helpful and really honest opinions I was able to find a new style that showed off what was good about my body, while helping detract from the bad. But not so much that I felt uncomfortable. The boost of confidence I had that came with seeing myself (and having others see me) in a new way did wonders for me. I still feel myself slipping back to old baggy comfort from time to time, but as resistant as I was to the change, in the long run it did more good for me than I could have imagined.

screaming fatgirl said...

Thanks for your comment. I'm considering your words, and the idea that I should think better of myself is really one that needs to be considered.

One complication for me is that I live in Asia for now, and I can't casually go shopping for clothes as everything is very, very small and built for a different (non-European) body type. I couldn't go shopping for clothes if I wanted to. I have to buy by mail order and it's harder to choose flattering clothes.

That being said, when I return to the U.S., you can bet a new wardrobe will be at the top of my list. :-)