Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Teardrop

I'm starting to grow increasingly unhappy with my body shape. Because of the unequal distribution of my weight loss, and a belly apron that isn't retracting very quickly due to stretched out skin, I'm starting to feel like I resemble a teardrop in shape.

The belly is definitely the slow mover in my progress and continues to be the focal point of most of my self-loathing. When I catch glances of myself reflected in windows, it looks little different from how it did when I started because it hangs down nearly the same amount. It just doesn't stick out as much and feels softer. I'm thinking that a girdle of some sort is going to be in my future at the rate my skin is going to shrink in my lower body.

Of course, the view isn't helped by the previously posted issue of "clown pants". Seeing my disgusting gelatinous belly apron wobbling around freely in baggy pants really isn't doing much for my self-esteem. It looks like a tent has been pitched over some scary creature that wants to get out.


Phat Fighter said...

It amazes me how much you go through, that I can relate too. I think every woman in the world does that. every time they see a window or something they check themselves out. Do you know what we look at first when we pass by a mirror/window or reflective surface. We look at what we hate the most about ourselves. We focus so much on that part that we hate, that we never notice anything great about ourselves. A weight loss counselor I was friends with once gave me a challenge. She said every time you pass by something and catch yourself slicing and dicing your self esteem to ribbons, Stop. And make a conscious effort to find something positive to say about your reflection. You may hate the way your belly apron looks, but your hair was amazing that day. Or your eyes look beautiful. And remind yourself that you are working to change what you hate, but don't forget your also learning to love what you like.

My boyfriend laughs at me now all the time cuz when I catch myself in the mirror and I start to cut myself down he will here me say something silly like "damn but those eyes are sexy hot"

give it a try, you might surprise yourself and learn some things about you that you never knew!

Keep up the good work honey, you WILL get there

screaming fatgirl said...

For me, having the courage to actually look at my reflection is actually a first step. I never looked at myself in reflected surfaces before. I don't have any full-size mirrors in our home (only hand-held ones). I only look now as a point of comparison to the past.

Part of the issue for me is that I'm not interested in looking good, but in being "normal" and healthy. I could care less if my eyes or hair are beautiful. I simply want the misery associated with my weight to stop, and that belly is dragging my misery along with me.

I appreciate your supportive words and kindness. As always, I'm taking what you say to heart!

dlamb said...

I am so excited to move forward to the present and learn if some of these perspectives have changed for you. I am going to guess that they may have and I have to force myself to be disciplined and not read "the end" of the book so I can fully enjoy the pleasure of your process, with all its highs, lows and the wealth of insight.

screaming fatgirl said...

I think that, while the perspectives have changed, they may have been encouraged by my body changing... or at least perhaps I just got used to things.

That being said, I'm formulating a post to talk about this very issue as it exist at present. It's quite an interesting coincidence that you commenting on this particular post at this time. I'm not sad necessarily about the state of my body, but it's more of a bookmark on how things are and likely will be in the future.

As always, thanks for your comments and for reading!