Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thursday: September 17, 2009

Today I felt rather down. I have a strong sense of the difficulties in getting along with people. In particular, I try hard to show people the respect, patience, open-mindedness and kindness I'd like them to show me, but I rarely receive it in return. People are so strident, and myopic. It makes me despair.

I took a walk to try and clear my head, but it didn't help. One thing I noticed about this walk was that, for the first time in many years, I was walking around with a strong sense of bodily awareness. That is, I didn't feel self-conscious or think about other people staring at me or talking about me. That doesn't mean I'm not still fat enough to elicit such attention, but rather that I just felt more comfortable in my own (saggy) skin than I've felt in awhile. This didn't clear my mood, but it was a curious sensation that I haven't felt since I last lost a great deal of weight.

Today was on the mark both calorie and nutrition-wise. I incorporated a green salad and fruit into the day, as well as lean protein and a reasonable number of carbohydrates. It was helped by a leftover rice dish which had only about a half cup of rice but about 3 ounces of chicken. Being top heavy on protein is always better than too many carbohydrates. My bad habits in the past few weeks had wreaked havoc on my digestion and caused some pretty uncomfortable constipation, so I've learned my lesson (hopefully for good). The total for the day came in at around 1380.

I've finally started to notice some lower body shrinkage. I'm still the same bulbous shape, but not sticking out as much on either side. My calves, which have always been fat and (very likely) always will be, are starting to get smaller as are my ankles. My bras, which used to be tight on the last hook, are starting to just reach the point where they can't be adjusted sufficiently to fit properly even when on the first hook, so the non-scale-based method continues to provide me with sufficient feedback to make me feel that I'm making progress.

That being said, I dug out a bra (a 38C) which was in the closet that was smaller, and it's 9 inches smaller than my current one. Looking at it feels like looking at a child's training bra compared to my current one. I think I must have worn it a very long time ago, and I wonder if my breasts will ever be a C cup again. Even if I reach the 38 in chest size, the cups simply may not work out and it'll be shopping for new support. I've got some small underwear buried somewhere as well and I'm afraid to even look at them for the time being.

I'm guessing it's a good thing that I tossed out so many of my clothes from when I was smaller as seeing them is intimidating. It probably doesn't help that my current wardrobe is relatively loose and comparing my huge shirts to smaller ones makes reaching a point where I can wear those clothes several more miles away. On the other hand, I'll have to start buying new clothes at some point and I hate that.